The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

[Doktor Howl]

Trigger pulled.  Maintenance manager is now a tech III and I am filling the positions of director and manager until a replacement can be found.

Everyone assumed that it was business as usual and lined up to tell me what their schedule would be, and what they were willing to do.  At the same time.  Like I'm gonna be their dumpster.

"No.  Here is your new schedule.  Look at that bullshit; I realize that you are very angry about this, I just don't care.  I have a plan for any number of you quitting, and I will fire anyone involved in a work stoppage.  This is the new reality, because you didn't like the soft option, that smiling guy there that used to be your chronically-miserable boss.  So it's just us now, and I am the only friend you have in the whole world.  Isn't that the worst fucking thing you've ever heard?"

What's funny is that when I told them in the beginning of the meeting that none of this was personal, they took that to be a good thing 

[Junkenstein]

What's funny is that when I told them in the beginning of the meeting that none of this was personal, they took that to be a good thing 

You must not have said it correctly. Every time I've had to say that it's been very, very obvious that it is quite personal and Fuck You. I see the fun in your method, just a style and preference thing I guess.

How long did it take them to work out it was personal? If it's more than 10 minutes these people are beyond backward.

[Doktor Howl]

What's funny is that when I told them in the beginning of the meeting that none of this was personal, they took that to be a good thing 

You must not have said it correctly. Every time I've had to say that it's been very, very obvious that it is quite personal and Fuck You. I see the fun in your method, just a style and preference thing I guess.

How long did it take them to work out it was personal? If it's more than 10 minutes these people are beyond backward.

It's NOT personal, though.  That scared the jimjams out of Kevin.

[Junkenstein]

Oh.

Well then, make it personal. It's much more fun that way.

Even better, make it personal between them. "Lets you and him fight" is always good to kill some workday time.

[Doktor Howl]

Me:  "Do it this way."

Steve:  "No, we have done it this other way for years."

Me:  "And the place is not right.  It is in fact the opposite of right.  This place looks and feels like a Motel 6 in downtown Cleveland.  So we'll do it my way."

Steve:  "No, we..."

Me:  "Punch out, you can sell your case to HR whenever she stops scheming long enough to call you."

*Steve swears a lot, hurls toolbag down, leaves*

Kevin:  "Was that actually necessary?"

Me:  "Of course it was.  It's all better now."

Kevin:  "But now there's only me and Austin to do this job."

Me: "Oh, THAT isn't all better.  I wasn't talking about that.  I will send Joe over to help."

Kevin:  "Which part IS better?"

Me:  "The forces of Wrong have been defeated."

Kevin:  "..."

Me:  "..."

Kevin:  "Don't say it."

Me:  "This is all normal, Billy."

[LMNO]

I love that Kevin is starting to become self-aware.

[Doktor Howl]

I love that Kevin is starting to become self-aware.

The process worked that way with Billy, although it bears mentioning that Billy was already sort of a bad person.

[Doktor Howl]

It occurred to me today that the HR lady is on vacation.

Poor Steve.

[Doktor Howl]

*standing over a pit with a broken pipe in it*

Kevin:  "Jesus Christ, what the hell IS that thing?"

Me:  "That is what Englishmen call a 'fatberg'.  It is all the suet and grease flushed down from the kitchen, escaping through the broken pipe.  Then it eats the caliche and makes an ever-enlarging hole in the ground which may someday grow up to be a gigantic sinkhole, as the fatberg travels down."

Kevin:  "You're having me on."

Me:  "Google it.  On your phone.  Right now."

Kevin:  *does so*  "Urk."

Me:  "Yes, urk.  This is what happens when the former maintenance manager doesn't call for the pumping truck because the grease trap is always miraculously empty, despite the restaurant discharging something like 1000 gallons a day through this drain alone.  This is why he is no longer the maintenance manager."

Kevin:  "But you demoted him before you found this."

Me:  "Things like this.  We had a maintenance manager, but the maintenance was not being managed."

Billy:  *walks up* "Hey, I jumped in the car as soon as I heard."  *looks in pit*  "Okay, that's awesome."

Kevin:  "You guys LIKE this kinda thing?"

Me:  "It is the future of the human race, only down in a hole."

Kevin:  "..."

Billy:  "This is all normal, Kevin.  You know what's NOT normal?"

Kevin:  "No.  No I do not.  And I don't want to."

Billy:  "No, this is great."

Kevin:  *sticks fingers in ears* "IF I DON'T LISTEN, YOU CAN'T HURT MY BRAIN. LALALALA"

Billy:  "You can't pump these things out.  They have to be mechanically-extracted.  By which I mean, 'with shovels and chainsaws'."

Kevin:  "Stop."

Billy:  *turns to me*  "So who drew the short straw?"

Me: "Well, I just fired all of the low-performers."

Kevin:  *looks worried*

Me:  "So I guess we'll have to get some contractors.  Why are you looking at me that way, Kevin?  You have some value, even if you aren't serious about having a good time.  I am hardly going to feed you to the fatberg.  Even if it is just a baby.  6 feet by 6 feet by 4 feet or so.  All a man truly needs, in the end."

Kevin:  "I live in hell.  I can't stand it.  I'm taking a half day."  *walks off*

Billy:  "Was I ever that fragile?"

Me:  "No.  You disappointed me in other ways."

(Note:  Pic of the top end of the fatberg to be posted tonight.)

[chaotic neutral observer]

Kevin:  "You're having me on."

Me:  "Google it.  On your phone.  Right now."

Okay.


A fatberg is a congealed lump in a sewer system formed by the combination of non-biodegradable solid matter
...
The resulting lumps of congealed material can be as strong as concrete, and require specialist equipment to remove.

Handled incorrectly, even small amounts of fatberg can kill.
...
The fatberg samples can only be moved by trained personnel wearing full protective clothing.
...
Fatbergs are a material that's not well understood, chemically or biologically. We've had flies hatch out of the fatberg, and mould growth while it was drying out

Billy is right.  That is awesome.

[Doktor Howl]

The very top of the fatberg.

[LMNO]

Don't try to fool me.  You captured a gelatinous cube.

[Doktor Howl]

Don't try to fool me.  You captured a gelatinous cube.

This is more like an ochre jelly.  That's poisonous.  And might explode.

Conditions are different from the London sewers, and if you want, I can tell you how this could potentially kill us all.  By "us" I of course mean myself, my crew, and a pack of blue hairs.

[Doktor Howl]

At our staff meeting:

Me  "...And so we need to spend a bit more than we anticipated, but we're still inside the worst-case margin.  Any questions or comments?"

Evil HR Lady:  "Your entire maintenance department has been in my office complaining about you."

Me:  "I'm aware.  They do not like this new 'work' thing.  But I have to ask, why reserve your confidentiality failures for a meeting on budget reforecasting?"

Evil HR Lady:  "You act like a tyrant."

Me:  "Obviously.  But couldn't you have chosen a more appropriate time to display your absolute lack of professionalism?"

Evil HR Lady:  *grabs notepad and lumbers out of the room*

Boss:  "Damn, dude, was that necessary?"

Me:  "Yes.  It was a moral imperative.  You just saw her rat out 7 employees for a cheap dig at me."

Boss's boss: "I concur.  I was going to say the same thing."

Me:  "Thank you."

Boss's boss:  "I still hate you."

Me:  "I'm comfortable with that."

Boss:  *looks panicked*

Me:  "All of these phenomena fall inside accepted parameters."

Boss:  "Did you just tell me 'this is all normal'?"

Me:  "Yes, but in Engineer."

[Fujikoma]

This whole thing is fucking FANTASTIC. 12/10, stuff like this was what I was talking about.