The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

[Doktor Howl]

I was born to be a James Bond villain, really.  I just can't seem to make it happen.

[chaotic neutral observer]

The Freak Crew rides again.

I have managed to lower the bar for morality yet again in the job I just accepted today.  Facilities maintenance for a company that builds weapons or something like that.  Needs staffing up, so I am looking to hire Billy, Angry Ed from the refinery days, and a couple of HVAC geeks.

Me:  "So, are you in?"

Billy:  "Fuck yes, I'm in.  When you said it was a morally-bankrupt job, I thought you meant it was connected to health insurance or some shit.  I can do arms manufacturing and not lose a wink of sleep."

For some reason, when reading this, an old expression came to mind: "It is better to be the right hand of the devil than in his path."

[Doktor Howl]

The Freak Crew rides again.

I have managed to lower the bar for morality yet again in the job I just accepted today.  Facilities maintenance for a company that builds weapons or something like that.  Needs staffing up, so I am looking to hire Billy, Angry Ed from the refinery days, and a couple of HVAC geeks.

Me:  "So, are you in?"

Billy:  "Fuck yes, I'm in.  When you said it was a morally-bankrupt job, I thought you meant it was connected to health insurance or some shit.  I can do arms manufacturing and not lose a wink of sleep."

For some reason, when reading this, an old expression came to mind: "It is better to be the right hand of the devil than in his path."

I'm not really a people person.

[Doktor Howl]

First day on the job.

Dave the R&D Geek:  "So you're the new hotshots.  You think you're weird enough for this gig?"

Me:  *Suggests the 103rd use for ballistics gel*

Billy:  *Suggests the 104rth use*

Dave Geek:  "..."

Me:  "This is all normal, David."

Dave:  "Okay, you're gonna work out fine."

[altered]

This bodes wonderfully.

[Doktor Howl]

Today at work:

English Paul:  "I told you it wasn't the thermocouple, I changed it and the problem is even worse."

Me:  "Did you say 'thermocouple'?  Because that wasn't a thermocouple, I distinctly remember pointing out that it was an RTD."

English Paul:  "They're the same thing."

Me:  "No, they are not.  For one thing, the wire is way to big for a thermocouple, so you are always going to read high."

English Paul:  "But..."

Me:  "And for another thing, they have a different number of wires.  How did you get three wires onto a two wire terminal?"

English Paul:  "I cut off the extra wire."

Me:  "Paul, I have to ask you, what did you do before this?"

English Paul:  "I was a technician."

Me:  "Where?"

English Paul:  *mumble*

Me:  "Where?"

English Paul:  "Jiffy Lube."

Me:  "I must admit, I admire your ability to bullshit your way into three times your previous pay."

English Paul:  "I'll just collect my things, shall I?"

Me:  "What?  No.  Bullshitting is a precious skill.  You won't be handling any more wiring, though."

Billy (walking in):  "What's up?"

Me:  "Paul here is going to write our 2020 business plan."

Billy:  "Oh, you sorry bastard."

English Paul:  "Wait what"

Me:  "Just do what you do best.  I shall give you topics, and you shall write great whacking lies, same as you did on your resume."

Billy:  "Welcome to the Old Firm, Paul."

English Paul:  "..."

Me:  "We're going to do great things."

[Doktor Howl]

Today, at work, I asked the tooling people to make a widget.  They said sure, and spun it out in less than an hour.

*returning to our department*

Me:  "That was fucking weird."

Billy:  "Helpful folks."

Me:  "It's fucking eldritch.  I feel as if the dramatic music is playing, or some shit."

Billy:  "I'm okay until I see tentacles."

Me:  "Then it's too late."

Billy:  "It's already too late.  We're in Tucson."

Me:  "You're turning into me, you know."

Billy:  "This is all normal, Billy."

[P3nT4gR4m]

[Junkenstien]

Today, at work, I asked the tooling people to make a widget.  They said sure, and spun it out in less than an hour.

FOUL WARLOCKS.

Something is rotten as fuck in that dept, I'd guarantee it. Anyone who gets you away and happy quickly is up to shady shit on the QT.

[Doktor Howl]

Today, at work, I asked the tooling people to make a widget.  They said sure, and spun it out in less than an hour.

FOUL WARLOCKS.

Something is rotten as fuck in that dept, I'd guarantee it. Anyone who gets you away and happy quickly is up to shady shit on the QT.

They're shady right out in the open.  They have a "government project" from on high to make a modern-metallurgy Sharps rifle when they're not doing official stuff.

[Doktor Howl]

Steven the Baby Engineer:  "Hey, Dok, do you know what happens when you jacket Isobutane in Vinylidene Chloride and atomize it?"

Me:  "No, but it sounds tasty."

SBE:  "When it ignites it melts the test chamber."

Me:  "You melted a gun safe?"

SBE:  "Yes, and now the slag is poisonous as hell."

Me:  "This is fascinating, but why are you telling me?"

SBE:  "The EPA will be kinda choosy about how we get rid of this."

Me:  "What's this 'we' shit, Kimosabe?  You got a mouse in your pocket?"

SBE:  "I could just chuck it in the scrap metal dumpster."

Me:  "What did Dan at the scrap yard ever do to you?  His kidneys will fall out of his asshole."

SBE:  "I am just a wide-eyed and naive engineer with the ink still wet on his degree."

Me: "You son of a bitch."

SBE:  "You're gonna love it here."

Me:  "Yeah?  Well...Yeah."

[Doktor Howl]

Billy has no eyebrows, Steve shat himself, my two lowest-right ribs are broken, and I need to replace the shed on site 4.

Just another day in Side Effect City.

[chaotic neutral observer]

Billy has no eyebrows, Steve shat himself, my two lowest-right ribs are broken, and I need to replace the shed on site 4.

Just another day in Side Effect City.

I guess you weren't kidding when you said it was the worst job in the world.  I'm glad you didn't get killed.

...I hope you at least got some useful experimental data?

[Doktor Howl]

Billy has no eyebrows, Steve shat himself, my two lowest-right ribs are broken, and I need to replace the shed on site 4.

Just another day in Side Effect City.

I guess you weren't kidding when you said it was the worst job in the world.  I'm glad you didn't get killed.

...I hope you at least got some useful experimental data?

Not really.  Aside from "It is important to teach Billy not to ignite aluminum."

Most of the injury stuff happened when all 3 of us tried to squeeze through a regular sized door all at once.  Heroes, one and all.

Steve is very small, though, and I think he shat himself when we stepped on him in the scrum...But he's no wimp, and has not blamed us.  I am in fact blaming Billy, though, because my fucking ribs HURT.

[Bruno]

Billy has no eyebrows, Steve shat himself, my two lowest-right ribs are broken, and I need to replace the shed on site 4.

Just another day in Side Effect City.

I guess you weren't kidding when you said it was the worst job in the world.  I'm glad you didn't get killed.

...I hope you at least got some useful experimental data?

Not really.  Aside from "It is important to teach Billy not to ignite aluminum."

Most of the injury stuff happened when all 3 of us tried to squeeze through a regular sized door all at once.  Heroes, one and all.

Steve is very small, though, and I think he shat himself when we stepped on him in the scrum...But he's no wimp, and has not blamed us.  I am in fact blaming Billy, though, because my fucking ribs HURT.

How old are these two?

Would they even know who Moe, Larry and Curly were?