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The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

Started by Doktor Howl, November 15, 2017, 01:33:15 AM

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Doktor Howl

Things that were said at work today:

Me:  "I don't understand why it is so difficult to understand that if you sign a contract, you have to hold up your end of it.  But here I have paid you on schedule for work that turns out to be completely substandard.  And now, mid-contract, you are claiming that you need more money for slipshod work because the minimum wage went up.  This boggles the mind.  First, it isn't really my business or my problem that you pay people crap and can't keep employees for more than a few weeks.  Second, I want to introduce you to a term which may be new to you:  'penalty clause', a term which I am now invoking.  My part of this conversation is over, and you will continue it with Horrible David, our lawyer.  He is a nasty man who doesn't even understand the term 'reasonable'.  So take the interval between conversations to mull over all the bad business decisions that have led you to this point.  Good day, sir."

Billy:  "Chris, you know how some people have 'resting bitch face'?  Well, the boss has 'resting evil glee face', but you gotta understand that he's cheerfully evil all the way down to his bones and if you don't start moving your ass, he'll move it for you."

Nick (to Billy):  "What the hell is the boss doing?"
Billy (to Nick):  "He says he's trying to invent 'Desk Haka'.  Better to pretend you don't notice."
Molon Lube

Doktor Howl

Also today at work, in safety meeting:

Me:  "Boss, are you scratching your back with a knife?"
Molon Lube

Doktor Howl

The pools at the facility I run are 2,500,000 gallon standard Olympic size pools.  So, at 4 ppm chlorine, that's 8.5 gallons of chlorine, at ten pounds per gallon.  Now, rich old people get in the pool.  The amount of piss a horrible old rich person can contain is 0.13 gallons.  Mixing that much urine with chlorinated water would produce .01 pounds of chloramine gas.   So when 8500 people piss in the pool, the free chlorine crashes, because it's all been turned to chloramine, which doesn't show up on a free chlorine test, but the chlorides are still in the water, only nastier and more prone to off-gas in sunlight.

The water crashes twice a year.  Which means 47 of the old bastards are pissing in the pool EVERY DAY, and then complaining that the water is making their eyes burn.

Science:  Not always your friend.
Molon Lube


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Bruno

You know those signs you sometimes see near pools that start "Welcome to our ool"

I've thought for a long time now that someone should make one that starts "Welcome to our l".

Just throwing that out there.
Formerly something else...

The Wizard Joseph

You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
- Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz:

"You program the controller to do the thing, only it doesn't do the thing.  It does something else entirely, or nothing at all.  It's like voting."
- Billy, Aug 21st, 2019

"It's not even chaos anymore. It's BANAL."
- Doktor Hamish Howl

Doktor Howl

So that damned underwater spring found it's way to the surface again, right in the middle of an intersection.  It's also come up at an angle, so the water is welling up through the blacktop and running uphill for a short distance, and then down the storm drain.

*watching water run uphill*

Nick:  "What the hell?"

Billy:  "Get used to it.  You work for Dok now, and that's how things are.  Remind me to tell you about the haunted water tank."

Me: "Remind me to tell you both about the robot fucker."

Nick:  "..."

Billy:  "You're not even kidding, are you?"

Me:  "This is all normal, kids."
Molon Lube

Nephew Twiddleton

Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 01, 2018, 12:51:26 AM
So that damned underwater spring found it's way to the surface again, right in the middle of an intersection.  It's also come up at an angle, so the water is welling up through the blacktop and running uphill for a short distance, and then down the storm drain.

*watching water run uphill*

Nick:  "What the hell?"

Billy:  "Get used to it.  You work for Dok now, and that's how things are.  Remind me to tell you about the haunted water tank."

Me: "Remind me to tell you both about the robot fucker."

Nick:  "..."

Billy:  "You're not even kidding, are you?"

Me:  "This is all normal, kids."

:lulz:

The robot fucker was at the observatory, right?
Strange and Terrible Organ Laminator of Yesterday's Heavy Scene
Sentence or sentence fragment pending

Soy El Vaquero Peludo de Oro

TIM AM I, PRIMARY OF THE EXTRA-ATMOSPHERIC SIMIANS

Doktor Howl

Quote from: Nephew Twiddleton on February 01, 2018, 01:39:58 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 01, 2018, 12:51:26 AM
So that damned underwater spring found it's way to the surface again, right in the middle of an intersection.  It's also come up at an angle, so the water is welling up through the blacktop and running uphill for a short distance, and then down the storm drain.

*watching water run uphill*

Nick:  "What the hell?"

Billy:  "Get used to it.  You work for Dok now, and that's how things are.  Remind me to tell you about the haunted water tank."

Me: "Remind me to tell you both about the robot fucker."

Nick:  "..."

Billy:  "You're not even kidding, are you?"

Me:  "This is all normal, kids."

:lulz:

The robot fucker was at the observatory, right?

Yep.  The world's most dedicated pervert.
Molon Lube

Doktor Howl

Things that got said at work today:

#1  Me:  "Yes, I AM dancing in my office.  You may have noticed that I have an excessive amount of energy, which unkind people might even describe as 'manic'.  I can shed that energy dancing to 'Everybody Talks', or I can use it to find things for you to do."

#2  Billy:  "So we're going to build an entire SCADA system for the swimming pools?"
Me:  "Also the HVAC units."
Billy:  "Isn't that going just a little overboard?"
Me:  *looks at Billy in Boss*
Nick:  "Seriously, it's overkill."
Me:  "Then what am I gonna do with the 500 Bluetooth transmitters that we found in the storage room?"
Nick:  "We could just ignore them.  They probably belong to the IT guy or something."
Me:  *looks at Nick in More Boss*
Billy:  "Okay, whatever. I'm just saying that..."
Me:  "Despite our reduced circumstances, there is SCIENCE around here somewhere.  I can smell it."
Billy:  "Oh, shit, here we go."
Nick:  "Wait.  What?"
Me:  "Hush.  There's work to be done."

#3  Boss:  "You're just going to hand the water numbers over to the board?"
Me:  "Well, they have a right to know.  I'm just inflicting the truth."
Boss:  "They're gonna shit."
Me:  "Then I guess we'll just have to do better."
Boss:  "No, seriously, they're going to shit."
Me:  "This is how we do it.  Drag everything out in daylight, see what wiggles. Besides, WE didn't pee in the pool.  Unless there's something you want to tell me."
Boss:  *looks at me in Boss*
Me:  "Okay, fine.  I won't EXPLAIN it, I'll just publish it."

Molon Lube

Q. G. Pennyworth

the "looks in boss" are seriously the best part.

I love that you have minions.

Doktor Howl

Quote from: Q. G. Pennyworth on February 02, 2018, 01:34:58 AM
the "looks in boss" are seriously the best part.

I love that you have minions.

I am a lofty director now.  I have more than 50 minions.  It's just that these two are awesome.

My common areas manager is also awesome, but more in the "consummate professional" way.  She's a real joy to have around, despite the lack of laughs. 

She is also the senior manager, but ranks 4th out of 5 in pay, strangely enough.  Have to fix that.
Molon Lube

Doktor Howl

*watching Riverdance rehearsal at the theater*

*dancer falls off of stage*

Billy:  "Ouch."

Me:  "It's a great day to be alive, Billy."

Molon Lube

Doktor Howl

My boss wanted me to write an article on pool hygiene so that people would stop getting in the pool without showering and maybe stop pissing in the pool and shaving their legs in the spa, etc.

So I did.

Then he read what I wrote, and told me that perhaps we should take out a radio ad or something instead.  Or put up more signs.

Nick:  "Well, sure.  We probably don't want to tell them what's actually going on."

Me:  "Yes, we do.  I mean, I SAID the water was fine, I just said how much money it costs to keep it that way when everyone's treating the pools like they were latrines."

Boss:  *Looks at me in boss*

Me:  "Fine.  Nick, order up another 500 pounds of carbon."
Molon Lube