The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

[Doktor Howl]

That is glorious.

Everything is awful and I only want to die.   

[altered]

It's a keeper, I say. Frame it. Enlarge it in Paint. Print out a thousand pages that are meant to be taped together to make a billboard sized version of it. Mix up just enough pages to make it noticeable. Hang it off of an office building before security notices.

[Doktor Howl]

It's a keeper, I say. Frame it. Enlarge it in Paint. Print out a thousand pages that are meant to be taped together to make a billboard sized version of it. Mix up just enough pages to make it noticeable. Hang it off of an office building before security notices.

I shall not suffer alone.

[The Wizard Joseph]

It's a keeper, I say. Frame it. Enlarge it in Paint. Print out a thousand pages that are meant to be taped together to make a billboard sized version of it. Mix up just enough pages to make it noticeable. Hang it off of an office building before security notices.

I shall not suffer alone.

That's really all anyone can ask for in life.

[Doktor Howl]

Norton:  "So, what, we move the lab where?  Casa fucking Grand?"

Me:  "No.  Somewhere local."

Norton:  *looks at me dubiously*

Me:  "Have I ever lied to you, Norton?"

Norton:  "Yes.  Very yes.  Like every fucking thing you've ever said to me since we met."

Me:  "People who cast aspersions on their elders come to bad ends."

Norton:  "You said you hired me as a chemist.  You hired to me to crunch numbers."

Me:  "Details."

Norton:  "You said I could have actual weekends."

Me:  "The marketplace is a strange and terrible place."

Norton:  "You said we were building a better world."

Me:  "We are, depending on whose definition of 'better' you use."

Norton:  "AND you said that David liked to be called 'Big Poppa'."

Me:  "He does.  He just has odd ways of returning your esteem."

Norton:  "The fucking POINT is, you always lie to me."

Me:  "No, Norton, that is an illusion caused by the fact that the truth is a mutable thing.  What is true today may not be true tomorrow.  What is true in my head may not be true in the sidereal universe."

Norton:  "..."

Me:  "Did I say that last part out loud?"

Norton:  "..."

Me:  "This is all normal, Norton."

Norton:  "No it is not.  You are a fucking lunatic."

Me:  "But I am the lunatic that signs your overly-large paychecks, Norton.  That is how the system works and we..."

Norton:  "Don't fucking say it."

Me:  "We don't question the system."

Norton:  "This isn't how I expected my life to turn out."

Me:  "We're going to do great things."

[Juana]

Will he ever learn?

[Doktor Howl]

Will he ever learn?

Not if he knows what's good for him. 

[Doktor Howl]

This morning at the lab:

Now-beardless Brian:  "I thought we were shaving our beards off for the virus thing."

Norton:  "That was disinformation."

Brian:  "Hamish told me the CDC said it was a thing."

Norton & Hamish:  *stares in Norton & Hamish*

[Doktor Howl]

Things that got said at work today:

Me:  "We are now in a race with the coronavirus, and I'll be damned if some virus is going to outpace modern weapons technology."

David:  "I would trade half of my management team for a cold pizza and a 30 minute break."

Norton:  "I feel like I fell into Wonderland, only the rabbit has fangs and the hatter is the only person talking sense."

[Doktor Howl]

Norton: *answers skype*

Me: "WHEEZE COUGH FUCK YOU GASSSSP"

Norton: "Yes, it shipped on time."

Me: "HACK COUGH SPIT USELESS BASTARD HORK"

Norton: "You look great. Hang in there."

[Doktor Howl]

Skype is really the best thing ever, especially when remote desktop is added to it.

I can, from my sickbed, suddenly just *show up* on my employees' screens, croaking out menacing nonsense while they try to pretend they weren't fucking off on social media.

I don't need them to do anything right now, it's just that, you know, you gotta have a laugh.

[Doktor Howl]

*Skype turns on*

James:  "You just scared the hell out of me, boss."

Me:  "James.  I want you to go to the lab and BUILD ME A BODY."

James:  "..."

*Skype turns off*

[Doktor Howl]

I have gained two more research monkeys, Kyle and Cassie.  Kyle is me with less horrible (he's young).  It's actually kinda creepy how much he reminds me of me.

Cassie is a hillbilly from some godforsaken state, but she's smart as hell.  Only when she walks in the room all the young guys get dumb as hell.  Thank God I'm ancient and vile and cannot be swayed by that sort of shit anymore.  Cassie has also apparently wrecked 3 cars in 5 months, so she is excused from driving me to meetings across town.

Besides, I like having Norton drive, because he flinches when I say fucked up shit, and that can make things interesting on the on-ramp.  Neither Kyle nor Cassie seem to have any sort of flinch reaction at all, and regularly say worse shit than I say.

At some point, I went from being "the crazy bastard in the North annex" to "running a lab" which frankly I never saw coming.

My bosses are all hiding at home from the plague.  I have a mob of research assistants and a shit ton of funding. 

Don't you wish you were me?

[Suu]

I have gained two more research monkeys, Kyle and Cassie.  Kyle is me with less horrible (he's young).  It's actually kinda creepy how much he reminds me of me.

Cassie is a hillbilly from some godforsaken state, but she's smart as hell.  Only when she walks in the room all the young guys get dumb as hell.  Thank God I'm ancient and vile and cannot be swayed by that sort of shit anymore.  Cassie has also apparently wrecked 3 cars in 5 months, so she is excused from driving me to meetings across town.

Besides, I like having Norton drive, because he flinches when I say fucked up shit, and that can make things interesting on the on-ramp.  Neither Kyle nor Cassie seem to have any sort of flinch reaction at all, and regularly say worse shit than I say.

At some point, I went from being "the crazy bastard in the North annex" to "running a lab" which frankly I never saw coming.

My bosses are all hiding at home from the plague.  I have a mob of research assistants and a shit ton of funding. 

Don't you wish you were me?

AND NORTON IS DRIVING CAR.

[The Wizard Joseph]

You're steadily and apparently incidentally evolving into a classy, dangerously wise, supervillain. Maybe that Mayan shit about Earth passing into a higher vibration is real and we are all becoming EXACTLY what we really are inside.

*hits the glass dick harder* 

Maybe Howl is a fifth density, darkened wandering soul that slipped in past the planetary quarantine because he heard there was no effective oversight and hawt bitches of several genders.

*puts pipe down gently on table, exhales*

I gotta get more of this shit man.