The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

[Doktor Howl]

It occurred to me at 9:30 AM this morning that "the last day on the job of a doomed company" can end whenever I like.

So I went home.

[Fujikoma]

So much for releasing the drones into the wild. Alas.

[Doktor Howl]

Norton accepted today.

So, my management team is Billy, Norton, Sideways Dave, and Tarrek, the world's meanest Lebanese man.

This should go nicely.

[Doktor Howl]

So, first day on the job.

TOTAL FUCKING CHAOS.

I'm so in.

[Faust]

Oh thank god

[chaotic neutral observer]

TOTAL FUCKING CHAOS.

I shall prepare the popcorn.

[Doktor Howl]

*watching two demo guys with no PPE on saw-cutting a cinderblock wall vertically*

Me:  *grin*

Sideways Dave:  *grin*

Jeff:  "Uh, boss, aren't you gonna do anything?"

Me:  *sips coffee*

*wall collapses all at once, inward, missing the two idiots but taking out the 480 VAC panel for the building.  Everything goes dark*

Jeff:  "Holy shit."

Sideways Dave:  *grins in darkness*

Me:  *also grins in darkness*

[Doktor Howl]

Morning Meeting.

Me:  "Okay, I think everyone here knows each other from the old days, except Norton and Sideways Dave."

SD:  *growls*

Norton:  "How did you get the name Sideways Dave?"

SD:  "IT WAS ONLY THE ONE TIME!  I DIDN'T MAKE A HABIT OF IT, PENDEJO!"

Billy:  "You only HAD to do that once."

Me:  "Yeah, the only reason you're not in jail is that nobody really foresaw the NEED to illegalize it."

Billy:  "You are in fact the black swan of perverts."

Norton:  "No, seriously, what did he do?"

Me:  "Norton, sometimes a noodle story is best left as a noodle story.  If I tell you, it's gonna fuck up your head and then Renee will cut me."

SD:  *grins*

Billy:  "Besides, what are the odds he'll ever have access to a pressure suit again?"

SD:  *sad face*

Norton:  *looks a little nervous*

Billy:  "It's good to be back, boss."

SD:  "BUENO!"

Norton:  "I caught that reference."

Me:  "We're going to great things, Norton."

[Doktor Howl]

Today's moment of I Shot Marvin In The Face:  I hit a shredded tire in the intersection of Speedway and Stone, tearing the electrical harness out of the work truck and jamming up downtown traffic completely (like gridlocked) completely for 3 hours.  We amused ourselves while waiting for the tow truck.

Billy:  "On the plus side, we made the traffic report."

SD:  *hanging out the back window of the crew cab screaming at the next car like Acosta in Fear & Loathing.*

Norton:  *took a different truck and wound up having to do the abatement survey by himself*

Me:  *dancing in my seat to Daft Punk*

[Doktor Howl]

Today at work:

Sideways Dave:  "..."

Me:  "I know you're sneaking up on me, Dave."

SD:  "How?  I was being totally silent."

Me:  "I could hear you sweating."

SD:  "Bullshit.  You're using webcams again."

Me:  "I am an aging drug addict, Dave.  Paranoia is one of my virtues."

SD:  *sad face*

Me:  "You know, even if you did kill me, they won't give you my job."

SD:  "I know.  I was just practicing."

Norton:  *prairie dogs out of his cube*

Me:  "Don't worry, Dave won't kill you either."

Norton:  "Yes, but I haven't seen Billy in a while, and he might."

SD:  "I never liked him.  He is shifty."

Me:  "LOL.  Dave, you are the platonic ideal of shifty."

SD:  "Yes, that's why I know not to trust him."

[Doktor Howl]

So, my son still works at my old company.  They fucked him over to get back at me for quitting and taking Billy (they fucked with his overtime).

Then Gil (one of the company officers) calls me.

Gil:  "Hey, Hamish, how do you get rid of the solvents?  Which permit is that under?"

Me:  "Hang on, I have you on speaker phone.  Did you want the book way, or the real way?"

Gil:  "Um, the real way?"

Me:  "You take the solvents and the manifests and you shove them up your ass."

Billy:  "You have to stick your dick in the solvents first to make it official."

Gil:  "This isn't funny."

Norton:  "Actually, it kind of is."

Sideways Dave:  "HAW HAW HAW" (really loud)

Gil:  "What the fuck was that?"

Me:  "That was Sideways Dave."

Gil:  "Who or what is a 'Sideways Dave'?"

Billy:  Sideways Dave is basically a criminal enterprise."

Norton:  "A loud criminal enterprise."

Gil:  "Are you going to help me or not?"

Me:  "After you fucked my son over?  Let's see, you took him for $400, so my hourly rate for helping is $800."

Gil:  "You're fucking with me."

Billy:  "Also a set up charge of $900 per job."

Norton:  "Hey, Gil, there's something I always wanted to tell you."

Gil:  "What?"

Norton:  "Goodbye."  *Hangs up phone*

[Fujikoma]

Ah, it's getting good again, time to get comfortable and read.

[Doktor Howl]

Norton:  *gets minor burn from equipment*

Me:  "You have to work more carefully, kid."

Me:  *falls down the stairs less than a second later*

Sideways Dave:  *grin*

Norton:  "You hurt?"

Me:  "Just my dignity."

*3 hours later*

My name plate on my office has been replaced with "Gerald Ford".

My little Norton is growing up.   

This doesn't mean horrible retribution won't apply.

[chaotic neutral observer]

My name plate on my office has been replaced with "Gerald Ford".

My little Norton is growing up.   

This doesn't mean horrible retribution won't apply.

Truly, disproportionate response is a moral imperative, and of inestimable value in the edification of the youth.

[Doktor Howl]

Yesterday, at work:

Billy:  "Why is your phone making that awful screeching noise?"

Me:  "That's not my phone, that's the Geiger counter."