The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

[Doktor Howl]

Also, Tucson rush hour traffic horror:







I was barely doing 70 MPH on account of that one guy.  This isn't reasonable.

[Doktor Howl]

So, the Great Snake Scare in this joint went viral pretty quickly.  Patrol's phones are blowing up, as are admins, mine, the executive director's, everyone.

Nobody has SEEN the snake (that part of the hysteria will come later).  Instead, everyone is scared because they DON'T see it...Which is, in the case of a monster 12' boa constrictor, not unreasonable.  What isn't reasonable is what they're asking for.

1.  "How long will it take you to find the snake?"
2.  "How do I know if the snake is around without being able to see it?"
3.  "What do we do if the snake attacks my corgi?"

The answers, so far:

1.  "Ma'am, if I knew that, I would know where the snake is, and the answer would be 'the problem is over'."
2.  "Sir, I don't even know where to start with you."
3.  "Wager on the snake, get a new corgi."

[LMNO]

I'm hoping there will be at least one more good story out of this.

[Doktor Howl]

I'm hoping there will be at least one more good story out of this.

I honestly can't see a bad ending for this.

[Doktor Howl]

Even the fabulous Doktor can make mistakes.

Converted a supply closet to a kiln room for a glass kiln.  Got the spacing right, power provided, fire department sign-off, everything.

I mean, everything except the air conditioning return.  Didn't think of that bit.

So the return in the old supply room starts shipping the smell of fusing glass into the accounting office.  Like a lot.  Like a whole lot.  Like the accounting office smells like a crematorium.  So, vented the old supply room out of the ceiling, and pulled the return and dropped it in my office, which is on a different HVAC unit.  So every time the door is closed, my ears pop.

Recap:  Stink gone from accounting office, and my dimensionally-incorrect office is now also atmospherically-incorrect.

This can only get better.

[LMNO]

Whoops.  Maybe take it easy on the whole "warping space-time" for a bit?

[Faust]

That pressure balance is just fine... for where that room is going.

[ReverendJesus]

Didn't think of that bit.

Y' made me laugh, you grizzled fuck

[Doktor Howl]

Three snake sightings today.  I expect more over the next couple of weeks.

It's worth mentioning that the snake was found by our grounds people yesterday afternoon, in very poor condition, and was removed to an animal shelter for treatment.

[Doktor Howl]

Also, complaints of mold odor by the ladies that work at our service desk.  These ladies are saints, who deal with entitled old fucks 24/7 and somehow maintain their composure.

Mold tests in that area match the same level as the rest of the building and outdoors, but the smell is only there.  The HVAC system is not compromised.  There are no dead rodents in the area.  The ladies themselves do not smell bad. 

This can only be the result of black magic.

[LMNO]

Three snake sightings today.  I expect more over the next couple of weeks.

It's worth mentioning that the snake was found by our grounds people yesterday afternoon, in very poor condition, and was removed to an animal shelter for treatment.

[Doktor Howl]

Three snake sightings today.  I expect more over the next couple of weeks.

It's worth mentioning that the snake was found by our grounds people yesterday afternoon, in very poor condition, and was removed to an animal shelter for treatment.

In my defense, it's outside of my area of responsibility and I would be stepping on the toes of the new Director of Grounds if I started making announcements.

The new director of grounds starts next week, so he can tell them.

[Faust]

Also, complaints of mold odor by the ladies that work at our service desk.  These ladies are saints, who deal with entitled old fucks 24/7 and somehow maintain their composure.

Mold tests in that area match the same level as the rest of the building and outdoors, but the smell is only there.  The HVAC system is not compromised.  There are no dead rodents in the area.  The ladies themselves do not smell bad. 

This can only be the result of black magic.

Hmmm..... Could something come in that has mold on it? Maybe the cleaners mop? Actually don't tell me, I don't know why I want to suck the mystery out of the universe.

[Doktor Howl]

Also, complaints of mold odor by the ladies that work at our service desk.  These ladies are saints, who deal with entitled old fucks 24/7 and somehow maintain their composure.

Mold tests in that area match the same level as the rest of the building and outdoors, but the smell is only there.  The HVAC system is not compromised.  There are no dead rodents in the area.  The ladies themselves do not smell bad. 

This can only be the result of black magic.

Hmmm..... Could something come in that has mold on it? Maybe the cleaners mop? Actually don't tell me, I don't know why I want to suck the mystery out of the universe.

This problem has slowly grown over a two year period, apparently.


It can only be ghosts.

[Doktor Howl]

Sitting before me:  A stack of invoices from a hardware store.  All of them are overdue by up to 18 months.  None of them were submitted for payment when Steve picked up the various things he bought.

Standing in front of my desk:  A very defensive Steve, puffed up with primate threat posturing,  Imagine Chris Christie inflating to present a bigger threat.

Me:  "Have anything to say about this?"

Steve:  "I haven't got time for that bullshit."

Me:  "That's amazing, given that all you seem to do is make town runs to one store or another.  It would seem like there would be plenty of time to code your receipts.  It takes less than a minute."

Steve:  "Are you saying I don't do shit around here?"

Me:  "Yes.  Yes, I am saying that.  I am also saying that your paperwork is not in order.  The first sin is venal, the second is mortal."

Steve:  "What?"

Me:  "You have sinned in the eyes of the company, Steve.  You have sinned in the eyes of your manager and me.  More importantly, you have sinned in the eyes of Stephanie from accounting.  I'm the soft option, here."

Steve:  "I don't have to take this shit."

Me:  "No, you don't.  You have many options in this situation, but only one of them involves keeping your job.  That option is to sit down, code all 70 of these invoices properly by noon, and then give them back to me on the way to apologize to Stephanie for making her life more difficult that it has to be."

Steve:  "I ain't kissing any front office ass."

Me:  "This is a limited time offer.  You may agree in the next 7 seconds, or you will be walking out the door.  Please call my bluff."

Steve:  "OKAY FINE."

Me:  "Welcome to the road to redemption, Steve. Next time this happens, you're going to have to sing hymns."

*30 minutes go by.  Kevin walks in.*

Kevin:  "Are you really going to make him sing hymns?"

Me:  "Word gets around.  Yes.  Yes, if he does this again, he shall sing "A Mighty Fortress" because sinning against Stephanie definitely requires some Presbyterian-style repentence."

Kevin:  "How are you even functional?"

Me:  "This is all normal, Kevin."