News:

TESTEMONAIL:  Right and Discordianism allows room for personal interpretation. You have your theories and I have mine. Unlike Christianity, Discordia allows room for ideas and opinions, and mine is well-informed and based on ancient philosophy and theology, so, my neo-Discordian friends, open your minds to my interpretation and I will open my mind to yours. That's fair enough, right? Just claiming to be discordian should mean that your mind is open and willing to learn and share ideas. You guys are fucking bashing me and your laughing at my theologies and my friends know what's up and are laughing at you and honestly this is my last shot at putting a label on my belief structure and your making me lose all hope of ever finding a ideological group I can relate to because you don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about and everything I have said is based on the founding principals of real Discordianism. Expand your mind.

Main Menu

The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

Started by Doktor Howl, November 15, 2017, 01:33:15 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Doktor Howl

While continuing conversation with treacherous underling, he demands a raise.

I am in the process of writing him up for the second time, and this is apparently the time to ask for a raise.

Full marks for chutzpah.  This is the equivalent of shooting your parents then asking for clemency because you're an orphan.
Molon Lube

Doktor Howl

Meeting of doom concluded.

Treacherous underling very over.  Evil HR lady taking on water with associated engine room trouble.  Big boss probably taking medical retirement.  My faction's "leader", so to speak, will probably be the new big boss within a month, which means Evil HR lady very over.

My boss sitting there with a wide-eyed stare, stunned from the horrible devastation.  The good news is that he went in fighting, which I wasn't sure he had in him, and he didn't try to moderate any of the horrible shit I did.

Also, Evil HR lady managed to reveal who her rat is.  muhaha.

Anyway, within about 4 weeks we can get back to actually getting things done.

Moral:  Document everything - EVERYTHING - before you stick your junk in the blender.

Molon Lube

LMNO

Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 28, 2018, 02:58:05 AM
Meeting of doom concluded.

Treacherous underling very over.  Evil HR lady taking on water with associated engine room trouble.  Big boss probably taking medical retirement.  My faction's "leader", so to speak, will probably be the new big boss within a month, which means Evil HR lady very over.

My boss sitting there with a wide-eyed stare, stunned from the horrible devastation.  The good news is that he went in fighting, which I wasn't sure he had in him, and he didn't try to moderate any of the horrible shit I did.

Also, Evil HR lady managed to reveal who her rat is.  muhaha.

Anyway, within about 4 weeks we can get back to actually getting things done.

Moral:  Document everything - EVERYTHING - before you stick your junk in the blender.


Lifehack.

Ziegejunge

As lifehacks go, this is now amongst my favorites.

Doktor Howl

Boss:  "Let me get this straight.  We bought a stock of R22 refrigerant at $30/LB in 2016 and you are selling it at $27/LB in 2018, and you made a profit off of this?"

Me:  "Yes."

Boss:  "How do you make a profit when you sell for less than you bought?"

Me:  "The world of EPA regulations and incentives is a mysterious and terrible thing, and not for the eyes of the uninitiated."

Boss:  "Is it some kind of subsidy or buyback?"

Me:  "I am not sure you're better off knowing."

Boss:  "ARE WE BREAKING ANY LAWS?"

Me:  "This is all legal, boss."

Boss:  "It doesn't *feel* legal."

Me:  "It feels like $23,429.05 in unbudgeted available funds."

Boss:  "This definitely doesn't feel legal."

Me:  "It's not only legal, it is in fact MANDATORY.  Like, it's illegal if we DON'T take the money."

Boss:  "..."

Me:  "$23,429.05 off the budget deficit."

Boss:  "FINE."

Me:  "It only hurts the first time you violate your ethical code.  It just gets easier and easier after that."

Boss:  "Go do money shit."

Me:  "Righteo."
Molon Lube

LMNO


Doktor Howl

Quote from: LMNO on August 01, 2018, 12:53:18 PM
"Go do money shit."


That's awesome.

If it weren't for the unending, ceaseless attacks from the one-person hostile workplace, this job would be even more fun.
Molon Lube

Doktor Howl

Me:  "So that's how I watched an entire department fuck itself in just one day."

Billy:  "Sounds like I bailed just in time."

Me:  "No, you're missing out on the fun.  The maintenance lead managed to argue himself from a write up into 6 write ups and a demotion.  You can't pay for this kind of entertainment.  Also, Kevin is, as you said he was, squealing to the HR jackass lady on the regular, and he just managed to talk himself - with her, mind you - out of the $600 bonus I had arranged for him."

Billy:  "What, you yanked the bonus?"

Me:  "No, she did.  Conspiring with her is like working for Donald Trump:  You get fucked EVERY TIME, lose money, and get poo on you."

Billy:  "Why do they keep doing it?"

Me:  "They feel that I am very unfair on account of assigning due dates to jobs."

Billy:  "I've seen your due dates.  You always assume that everyone is blind, stupid, and crazy when you decide how much time they get and...Um..."

Me:  "Yeah.  I only gave them a week to fix a faucet."

Billy:  "You Goddamn slave-driving tyrant."

Me:  "Operations Uber Alles."
Molon Lube

Doktor Howl

DEATH DESTRUCTION AND TERROR

Some days I love being me to a degree that might indicate mental illness of some sort.
Molon Lube

LMNO

I love how subversive you can get while just following the game rules as presented.

Doktor Howl

Quote from: LMNO on August 03, 2018, 02:05:55 PM
I love how subversive you can get while just following the game rules as presented.

I prefer to think of myself as an artist:lulz:

Inflicting the rules is a glorious thing.
Molon Lube

Doktor Howl

So, I am reading resumes again.  I liked a couple of them.

Boss:  "It looks like they job-hopped a bit."

Me:  "If they're dumb enough to stick it out at a dead-end job, they're too dumb to work for me."

Boss:  *looks at me in boss*

Me:  "It's true.  The world is full of hard-working idiots.  I don't want those.  Frantic activity is not accomplishment."

Boss:  "I'd like to see a little frantic activity."

Me:  "That's why we have tractor porn.  I'm trying to get some projects completed, and that's a whole different thing."

Boss:  "..."

Me:  "We came here to run it, run it."
Molon Lube

Doktor Howl

I have to - no shit - figure out how to get an elephant through a normal set of double ballroom doors.

I wasn't trained for this.
Molon Lube

Vanadium Gryllz

Is it specified anywhere that the doors need to remain intact?

What happens once the elephant is inside?

So many questions.
"I was fine until my skin came off.  I'm never going to South Attelboro again."

Ziegejunge

Literally talking about the elephant in the room. I dig it.