The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

[Doktor Howl]

While continuing conversation with treacherous underling, he demands a raise.

I am in the process of writing him up for the second time, and this is apparently the time to ask for a raise.

Full marks for chutzpah.  This is the equivalent of shooting your parents then asking for clemency because you're an orphan.

[Doktor Howl]

Meeting of doom concluded.

Treacherous underling very over.  Evil HR lady taking on water with associated engine room trouble.  Big boss probably taking medical retirement.  My faction's "leader", so to speak, will probably be the new big boss within a month, which means Evil HR lady very over.

My boss sitting there with a wide-eyed stare, stunned from the horrible devastation.  The good news is that he went in fighting, which I wasn't sure he had in him, and he didn't try to moderate any of the horrible shit I did.

Also, Evil HR lady managed to reveal who her rat is.  muhaha.

Anyway, within about 4 weeks we can get back to actually getting things done.

Moral:  Document everything - EVERYTHING - before you stick your junk in the blender.

[LMNO]

Meeting of doom concluded.

Treacherous underling very over.  Evil HR lady taking on water with associated engine room trouble.  Big boss probably taking medical retirement.  My faction's "leader", so to speak, will probably be the new big boss within a month, which means Evil HR lady very over.

My boss sitting there with a wide-eyed stare, stunned from the horrible devastation.  The good news is that he went in fighting, which I wasn't sure he had in him, and he didn't try to moderate any of the horrible shit I did.

Also, Evil HR lady managed to reveal who her rat is.  muhaha.

Anyway, within about 4 weeks we can get back to actually getting things done.

Moral:  Document everything - EVERYTHING - before you stick your junk in the blender.

Lifehack.

[Ziegejunge]

As lifehacks go, this is now amongst my favorites.

[Doktor Howl]

Boss:  "Let me get this straight.  We bought a stock of R22 refrigerant at $30/LB in 2016 and you are selling it at $27/LB in 2018, and you made a profit off of this?"

Me:  "Yes."

Boss:  "How do you make a profit when you sell for less than you bought?"

Me:  "The world of EPA regulations and incentives is a mysterious and terrible thing, and not for the eyes of the uninitiated."

Boss:  "Is it some kind of subsidy or buyback?"

Me:  "I am not sure you're better off knowing."

Boss:  "ARE WE BREAKING ANY LAWS?"

Me:  "This is all legal, boss."

Boss:  "It doesn't *feel* legal."

Me:  "It feels like $23,429.05 in unbudgeted available funds."

Boss:  "This definitely doesn't feel legal."

Me:  "It's not only legal, it is in fact MANDATORY.  Like, it's illegal if we DON'T take the money."

Boss:  "..."

Me:  "$23,429.05 off the budget deficit."

Boss:  "FINE."

Me:  "It only hurts the first time you violate your ethical code.  It just gets easier and easier after that."

Boss:  "Go do money shit."

Me:  "Righteo."

[LMNO]

"Go do money shit."


That's awesome.

[Doktor Howl]

"Go do money shit."


That's awesome.

If it weren't for the unending, ceaseless attacks from the one-person hostile workplace, this job would be even more fun.

[Doktor Howl]

Me:  "So that's how I watched an entire department fuck itself in just one day."

Billy:  "Sounds like I bailed just in time."

Me:  "No, you're missing out on the fun.  The maintenance lead managed to argue himself from a write up into 6 write ups and a demotion.  You can't pay for this kind of entertainment.  Also, Kevin is, as you said he was, squealing to the HR jackass lady on the regular, and he just managed to talk himself - with her, mind you - out of the $600 bonus I had arranged for him."

Billy:  "What, you yanked the bonus?"

Me:  "No, she did.  Conspiring with her is like working for Donald Trump:  You get fucked EVERY TIME, lose money, and get poo on you."

Billy:  "Why do they keep doing it?"

Me:  "They feel that I am very unfair on account of assigning due dates to jobs."

Billy:  "I've seen your due dates.  You always assume that everyone is blind, stupid, and crazy when you decide how much time they get and...Um..."

Me:  "Yeah.  I only gave them a week to fix a faucet."

Billy:  "You Goddamn slave-driving tyrant."

Me:  "Operations Uber Alles."

[Doktor Howl]

DEATH DESTRUCTION AND TERROR

Some days I love being me to a degree that might indicate mental illness of some sort.

[LMNO]

I love how subversive you can get while just following the game rules as presented.

[Doktor Howl]

I love how subversive you can get while just following the game rules as presented.

I prefer to think of myself as an artist. 

Inflicting the rules is a glorious thing.

[Doktor Howl]

So, I am reading resumes again.  I liked a couple of them.

Boss:  "It looks like they job-hopped a bit."

Me:  "If they're dumb enough to stick it out at a dead-end job, they're too dumb to work for me."

Boss:  *looks at me in boss*

Me:  "It's true.  The world is full of hard-working idiots.  I don't want those.  Frantic activity is not accomplishment."

Boss:  "I'd like to see a little frantic activity."

Me:  "That's why we have tractor porn.  I'm trying to get some projects completed, and that's a whole different thing."

Boss:  "..."

Me:  "We came here to run it, run it."

[Doktor Howl]

I have to - no shit - figure out how to get an elephant through a normal set of double ballroom doors.

I wasn't trained for this.

[Vanadium Gryllz]

Is it specified anywhere that the doors need to remain intact?

What happens once the elephant is inside?

So many questions.

[Ziegejunge]

Literally talking about the elephant in the room. I dig it.