News:

If you can't abuse it, it's not power.

Main Menu

The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

Started by Doktor Howl, November 15, 2017, 01:33:15 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Doktor Howl

Quote from: Fujikoma on December 30, 2018, 05:24:03 AM
At the risk of sounding like a stupid fanboy, I love you, Howl.

No worries.  But don't be a fanboy.  We'll wind up having an argument that lasts 5 years.  I say this from experiential data.
Molon Lube

Doktor Howl

#211
Today at work:

Billy:  "So the board is all hot and bothered about the budget this year?"

Me:  "Yes.  Apparently, being a measly 13% over budget last year is a thing."

Billy:  "What's that in dollars?"

Me:  "Like $180,000.  Petty cash, really."

Billy:  "So what are we going to do?"

Me:  "Nothing.  We are going to save money."

Billy:  "But we have to do something about the anaerobes eating the pipes."

Me:  "We're going to save money at them."

Kevin:  "He's all butthurt about this."

Me:  "Can you blame me?  I have science blue balls.  Well, now we're going to save money until we attain catastrophic failure."

Kevin:  "We can still do SOME stuff."

Me:  "Yes.  We can save more money."

Billy:  "You're going to be unreasonable about this, aren't you?"

Me:  "Dumpsters cost less money if you don't ever have them emptied."

Kevin:  "Wait.  What?"

Billy:  "It's so good to be home."
Molon Lube

Doktor Howl

In a meeting with a vendor this morning:

Vendor:  "So our product is going to be delayed for a short period of time, and..."

Me:  "So our payment to you is going to be delayed for 2 days per every day that you miss your delivery date."

Vendor:  "That's unreasonable.  We are experiencing normal holiday delays."

Me:  "You bid the job in October for a January 10th due date.  If the delays are normal, how was that not budgeted?"

Vendor:  "Look, this is normal practice."

Me:  "This is in fact all normal.  In any case, I have a thing, so Billy will listen to the rest of your bleating.  Billy, please read your sealed orders when he finally shuts up.""

Vendor:  "..."

Me:  *walks out of room*

*a half hour goes by, Billy walks into my office*

Me:  "How did it go?"

Billy:  "Not sure.  Your sealed orders said 'say you're going to the bathroom and then head to lunch.'  He's still in there."

Me:  "This is all normal, Billy."

Billy:  "Yep.  You up for Bhutanese?"

Me:  "I am always up for Bhutanese."
Molon Lube

LMNO


Doktor Howl

Quote from: LMNO on January 08, 2019, 07:06:55 PM
Always nice to see Billy learning.

Billy has developed quite nicely.  His 9 months slaving away for <water management vendor> have knocked most of the remaining idealism out of him.

Now he and I can focus on the others.  Problem is, though, that Billy hates Kevin because he's a weasel and a snitch, and I gotta get him past that sort of concern for peoples' motives.  He also hates Nick, but I also hate Nick so it's not really a thing.
Molon Lube

LMNO


Doktor Howl

Quote from: LMNO on January 08, 2019, 07:12:57 PM
You're teaching him Consequentialism? 



Yikes.

What?  No.  I am teaching him that humans are garbage and you don't consider their "morality" under any standard.  They are like the wee beasties in the pipes.  They do bad because that's how they're made.  You just learn to work around them as a species.

Take Kevin, for example.  He's a snitch and basically a rotten person with televangelist morality imprinting, but he fixes HVAC equipment very well.  Since we don't care that he has any opinions at all, and his usefulness as a repair bot isn't connected to his insanely hypocritical beliefs, we can safely have him repair said HVAC equipment while telling him to SHUT THE FUCK UP about those "sluts" that offend him so badly.  Think of it more as "sanity-protecting utilitarianism".  He works and SHUTS UP, he gets a paycheck, we get functional HVAC equipment, and no actual morals have been abused.  He might even learn to be something other than a bucket of snot.  But really it's just important that he SHUTS UP and also knows that we despise him.

If I was a consequentalist, I would have his mouth sewn shut, because the results would easily justify the inherent violence of the proposition.
Molon Lube

LMNO

Ah.  Right.


I appreciate the explanation.  Makes sense.

Doktor Howl

Quote from: LMNO on January 08, 2019, 07:39:57 PM
Ah.  Right.


I appreciate the explanation.  Makes sense.


Yeah, consequentalism to me is more when you say "the end justifies the means", and yeah there is some of that around this.  But only to the level of "we *need* this work done and it's fucking impossible to find a less morally-repugnant HVAC tech when unemployment in Tucson is at 2.6%.  So I have to kinda hold my nose a bit.


In work related news:

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/a-fatberg-made-of-grease-and-wet-wipes-found-in-english-sewer/ar-BBRY248?ocid=spartanntp
Molon Lube

Doktor Howl

This whole "running a town" thing would be way better if there weren't any people at all.  :rogpipe:
Molon Lube

Doktor Howl

#220
So I was thinking about this conversation and sort of suspecting that I was huffing my own farts, so I decided to ask the people who tend to have a clearer view of me than I do.  So I got home about 90 minutes ago and asked Jenn.

Me:  "So, looking at that, is that consequentialism?

Jenn:  "Yes.  Dressing up consequentalism in *more* consequentialism doesn't change what it is."

Me: "Oh."

Jenn:  "I hate to break it to you, but you and your friends aren't the good guys."

Me:  "Oh."

Jenn:  "Don't look so glum.  I married you specifically because you're a villain.  All humans must die."

Me:  "Woooooooo"

Jenn:  *leans in*  "Giddyap."

Apparently, being the villain gets you laid.  Hard.

*45 minutes later, calling Billy*

Me:  "Dude, Jenn says we're not the good guys."

Billy:  "No shit.  I work for Victor Frankenstein and he tells me we're not the good guys.  STOP THE PRESSES."

I can't think of a day where I've been happier, really.

Molon Lube

LMNO


Doktor Howl

Year end financials festivities are in full swing.

Jeff:  "And so the interest off of our T-bonds came to..."

Me:  "That's not interest."

Jeff:  "You're not doing this."

Billy:  "I think he is."

Jeff:  *buries face in hands."

Me:  "T bills are purchased at a discount.  You buy them at 95% of face value, and they mature in a given period - in this case, 6 months - then they are worth face value and they stop gaining in value."

Jeff:  "That's interest."

Me:  "No, that's capital gains.  Different values entirely, different structure."

Jeff:  "But it is listed as interest for the last 10 years of our records."

Me:  "But that was when we were owned by <corporation>.  This is our first year of reporting and maybe we should do it right.  I mean, this is the *only* thing we are taxed on, right?  So when we change it and pay the small amount extra, and the IRS says what about the previous 10 years - and that's about $750K, they will notice - we just smile and point at <corporation> and look angelic."

Jeff:  "But now I have to recalculate our taxable earnings."

Billy:  "No, you don't."

Jeff:  "But you guys just said..."

Me:  "What Billy is trying to say is that we already did it.  Last night.  Until 3 AM."  *hands over flash drive*  "Look grateful."

Jeff:  "..."

Billy:  "He should levitate or something when he does that shit, right?  Some kind of visible sign of his corruption by the dark arts."

Me:  "This is all..."

My Boss:  "Don't say it.  You will not say this is all normal in this Goddamn conference room."

Me:  "These events are statistically consistent."

My Boss:  "Get out.  Go do money shit or something."
Molon Lube

LMNO


Doktor Howl

Molon Lube