The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

[Doktor Howl]

Never apologize, explain or bring it up again.
Standard operating procedure for progress.

And detritus was the troll folks. I suspect a lot of prachett jokes have been utterly wasted on some of you.

It's the crossbow thing, really. 

Great big bastard.  Trying to double the fastest existing crossbow.

Has anyone gotten past Mach 1 with a crossbow, yet?

Not even close.  Not sure it's possible without shaving the notch of any quarrel you would use.

The fastest crossbow (by the strictest method of measurement) right now is 460 f/s.  We are trying for 928 f/s.

[Doktor Howl]

Today I fixed the robot of DOOM.  This is a machine everyone is afraid of, because it's computer driven and uses a weird (ie, non-Allen Bradley) controller.

So I spent a week dicking with the software on a laptop, reading the prints...and, you know, trying to understand how the machine is supposed to work.  It was designed by a human, it can be repaired by a human.

So I dive in and fix it in about 20 minutes.  Then spend an hour testing to make sure it's right.  Then my boss comes out and asks me when I'm going to start.

Me:  "Already done."

Boss:  "You're a WIZARD."

Emmie (the tiny lady that runs that department) "He's a NERRRRRRRRRRD!"

I bet Gandalf never got treated like this.

[Doktor Howl]

Today at work:

Me: "I need you guys to go look the cooling tank. It's leaking like a Russian crown prince.

Lou: ...

English Paul: ...

Billy: ...

Me: "What?"

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

Today I fixed the robot of DOOM.  This is a machine everyone is afraid of, because it's computer driven and uses a weird (ie, non-Allen Bradley) controller.

So I spent a week dicking with the software on a laptop, reading the prints...and, you know, trying to understand how the machine is supposed to work.  It was designed by a human, it can be repaired by a human.

So I dive in and fix it in about 20 minutes.  Then spend an hour testing to make sure it's right.  Then my boss comes out and asks me when I'm going to start.

Me:  "Already done."

Boss:  "You're a WIZARD."

Emmie (the tiny lady that runs that department) "He's a NERRRRRRRRRRD!"

I bet Gandalf never got treated like this.

I love Emmie

[chaotic neutral observer]

Emmie (the tiny lady that runs that department) "He's a NERRRRRRRRRRD!"

I bet Gandalf never got treated like this.

Not Gandalf, no.

Saruman was the nerd of the bunch.  Yes, even compared with Radagast.

[Doktor Howl]

Today, in tales of troubleshooting:

English Paul:  "This is nuts.  The walk-in oven is not coming to temperature, according to the paint guys.  But when I got here, NOTHING is working."

Me:  "Why is there a small pile of mini-lamps there?"

Dave:  "I changed the bulbs because they were all burned out."

Me:  "These are .02 amp lamps.  What did you put in?"

Dave:  "A bulb is a bulb."

Me:  *takes lamp out of socket*  "These are .33 amp bulbs.  You blew the control transformer fuse."

Dave:  *mutters*

Me:  "Do not get your back up at me, sir.  I am not the person who assumed competence where there is none."

Dave:  "Did you just insult me?"

Me:  "No.  I stated a fact.  You have zero knowledge of electrical controls, but you felt that you were somehow competent to mess with it."

Dave:  "They're just light bulbs."

Me:  "Everything is just something.  Those are just lamps, but they are the wrong lamps.  You and I are just primates, but *you* are the primate that   felt the need to stick your junk in the blender, here."

Dave:  *turns red and grinds teeth."

English Paul:  "How much did this cost us?"

Me:  "$1.09 AND 15 minutes of my irreplaceable time on this planet AND the dignity of a particularly dense primate."

Dave:  "Storms off."

English Paul:  "Are you always a complete dick?"

Me:  "Only when I feel a primate isn't paying attention."

English Paul:  "Billy is right.  You're fucked in the head."

Me:  "This is all normal, Paul."

Me:  "Oh, and Paul?"

Paul:  "Yeah?"

Me:  "That's 'you're fucked in the head, *boss*."

[Doktor Howl]

Also today:

Me:  *calls X corporation*

Lady:  "Can I help you?"

Me:  "Inside sales, please."

Lady:  "I'm sorry, they're all in a sales improvement meeting."

Me:  "Can you see the flaw in this, or is it just me?"

Lady:  "This is my life."

[altered]

Also today:

Me:  *calls X corporation*

Lady:  "Can I help you?"

Me:  "Inside sales, please."

Lady:  "I'm sorry, they're all in a sales improvement meeting."

Me:  "Can you see the flaw in this, or is it just me?"

Lady:  "This is my life."

This is why I hate salespeople. They're insane by nature, insane to survive, or insane by company policy.

They never have their head screwed on straight. Their priorities are always damaged. There should be a factory recall.

[Doktor Howl]

Also today:

Me:  *calls X corporation*

Lady:  "Can I help you?"

Me:  "Inside sales, please."

Lady:  "I'm sorry, they're all in a sales improvement meeting."

Me:  "Can you see the flaw in this, or is it just me?"

Lady:  "This is my life."

This is why I hate salespeople. They're insane by nature, insane to survive, or insane by company policy.

They never have their head screwed on straight. Their priorities are always damaged. There should be a factory recall.

What's awesome is, I just got ahold of them this morning.  They do not seem interested in selling me anything at all, because that would involve work.

They're out of Chicago, and I had forgotten that Chicago forgot how to get things done 20 years ago.

[altered]

It's an epidemic.

[Doktor Howl]

It's an epidemic.

We're balls to the wall in Tucson. 

But we ARE in Tucson, and your rules do not apply to us.

[Doktor Howl]

Baby Engineer:  "Hey, man, got a minute?"

Me: "unnng"

Billy:  "Hang on, dude, we're programming a stepper drive."

Baby Engineer:  "This will only take a second..."

Me:  "UNNNNNG"

Billy:  "And if Dok misses a decimal point, we will invent a new form of OSHA porn."

Baby Engineer:  "But what is he SAYING?"

Billy:  "His is a complex and structured language, but I can translate."

Me:  "UNNNNNNNNNNNNG!"

Billy:  "He says if you don't shut up and fuck off, you might maybe wake up in the morning with your budged slashed."

Baby Engineer:  *leaves*

Me:  "Billy, it's like you know me or something."

Billy:  "Yeah, whatever, start the video from the beginning.  I need my Amy Lee."

[Doktor Howl]

Things that fell out of my face in a meeting:

"Because I love all of you fuckers.  Even the engineers.  And all I ask is for a little love in return.  For my ass.  I think that's what's wrong around here.  Insufficient love for my scabby, hairy ass."

"Where is the love, BE?"

[altered]

  It's too bad I can't see their reactions. It would be illuminating.

[Doktor Howl]

Me:  "English Paul has, tragically, quit.  It seems that I was being unreasonable asking him to do that 'work' stuff."

Billy:  "You had him change the carbon media."

Me:  "It was worn out."

Billy:  "It doesn't wear out.  I mean, the worn out stuff is automatically discharged."

Me:  "I figured hand-sorting the grains would keep him busy."

Billy:  "AND you called him paranoid."

Me:  "Okay, I lied.  You're not paranoid if I'm really out to get you."

Billy:  "AND you said the rules don't apply to you because you're dead."

Me:  "It's not Cotard's Syndrome if you're actually dead."

Billy:  ...

Me:  "Besides, he offended me.  The work was not getting done, and here we were paying him.  That's wrong on every level.  Admit it, you didn't like him either."

Billy:  "Well, no, he was a whiner.  But HAND-SORT 450 kg of carbon particles?  That's fucked, even by your standards."

Me:  "It came to me in a dream."

Billy:  "Bullshit, you stole that from Preacher."

Me:  "Doesn't make it not true."