The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

[Doktor Howl]

And this

[altered]

Holy fucking hell.

That's the kind of day that you normally have to pay for.

I have to know what the fuck you did to that deadblow hammer. HAVE to. The People demand it.

[Doktor Howl]

Holy fucking hell.

That's the kind of day that you normally have to pay for.

I have to know what the fuck you did to that deadblow hammer. HAVE to. The People demand it.

I deadblowed a little too hard.  The thing was stuck and wouldn't do the thing, so I did the thing and then copper beads all over the place.

[altered]

That doesn't look like "deadblowed a little too hard" so much as "fed into a wood chipper at high velocity". But then it was Doktor Hamish Howl wielding it, so that's basically correct.

What the fuck were you beating that hard? Legitimately curious. I can't imagine anything for which a deadblow hammer is the correct tool that needs THAT much force.

[Doktor Howl]

That doesn't look like "deadblowed a little too hard" so much as "fed into a wood chipper at high velocity". But then it was Doktor Hamish Howl wielding it, so that's basically correct.

What the fuck were you beating that hard? Legitimately curious. I can't imagine anything for which a deadblow hammer is the correct tool that needs THAT much force.

A 70 kg plate attached to a cylinder.  The plate was misaligned, causing the cylinder to lock under sideload.  It's one of those rare situations where brute force is the best option.

[Doktor Howl]

I am on vacation until the 2nd.  My boss asked me to think up a few job ads while I'm gone, in exchange for me not getting otherwise bothered.

OKAY.

#1:  Marketing ace wanted.  We call it a "marketing ace" to get you excited about a soul-crushing job in a hostile industry.  You won't get paid shit, but we also will not actually allow you to do your job, on account of the fact that people need to sign and NDA to even know what services we provide.  You will sit in a cubicle and stare at your screen in anguish, all dreams of Madison Avenue crushed like the enemies of our clients.  We offer a benefits package that would insult someone from an undiscovered tribe in Peru, and will dangle stock options in front of you from time to time.  70+ hour work week, and no needless feelings of accomplishment, or even any validation of your existence.  Apply today!  Masters degree and 80+ years of experience REQUIRED.  Entry level position.

[altered]

If I could do it from Boston and get paid more than 15 dollars an hour I'd be all in. Unfortunately, the masters degree and lifetime experience makes me ineligible by default, because I'm a high school dropout who scares Harvard Professors with the amount of shit I know, and I have never done a lick of the Good Stuff for anything but my own amusement.

[Doktor Howl]

If I could do it from Boston and get paid more than 15 dollars an hour I'd be all in. Unfortunately, the masters degree and lifetime experience makes me ineligible by default, because I'm a high school dropout who scares Harvard Professors with the amount of shit I know, and I have never done a lick of the Good Stuff for anything but my own amusement.

We have very unrealistic requirements.  Also, you would lose your shit in the first two days, not because everyone's a dick (they aren't), but because our company and our industry are a mass of contradictions, bad signal, and also a bit of a moral abyss.

[altered]

I'm used to moral abysses. Ask me some day about security systems. Really! Ask!

And contradictions and bad signal I get pissed off at and then simply start responding to with malice. They give me deniability, I give them a syphilitic penis to choke on.

[Doktor Howl]

Billy has been offered a promotion to my level, in our Delaware facility.  It's a career maker for him.

He's nervous about relocating, but I told him to relax, because Delaware has the nicest people in the country, as well as the best drivers.

[altered]

 

I don't even know what to say, this will end wonderfully for everyone on the east coast. Tucson is COMING FOR US

[Doktor Howl]

I don't even know what to say, this will end wonderfully for everyone on the east coast. Tucson is COMING FOR US

I was totally lying about Delaware.  They're a pack of assholes that drive like they've been driven blind by methanol consumption.

[Doktor Howl]

So, while in the process of selling my workplace to pot farmers and some Canadian weirdos, we discovered an old utility easement from 1949 during a records search of our internal property records (which must be made available to the purchaser and the city).  At the time, this part of downtown was still undeveloped desert, and they put the easements in to plan for future roads.  Our facility takes up the equivalent of 4 city blocks, so when the time came, back in the 1970s, the planned road was never made.  The easement remained, forgotten by everyone.

We cannot split the properties between the two buyers without removing the easement. 

The electric company has no records going back that far.

The city's records were eaten by rats in the 1980s (I ran into this exact same problem at the refinery).

The city will not remove the easement without the consent of the power company.  The power company will not sign off because, as far as they know, the easement doesn't exist.

We are now in limbo until we can get a judge that has jurisdiction.  The problem with THAT is that our property borders on O'Odham property (part of the reservation is inside the city limits) and all the city judges have The Fear.  Federal judges will not even look at it because our land is in fact city land.

This is a problem that could only happen in Tucson.

[The Johnny]

As only our younger generations could aptly describe: BIG OOF

[Doktor Howl]

So I got my new assistant today.  His name is Norton.

Norton is adorable.  He has a brand-new, shiny degree in chemistry, and some absolutely absurd notions about how the world operates.  He is also an encyclopedia of movie trivia.  He seems to be about 3 weeks old (I may just be getting older here), and this is his first real job.

What Norton doesn't yet understand is that I didn't need a chemist, I needed an electronics/coding guy.  Which Norton just became, though he won't know this until sometime after Christmas.  I prefer to think of this as Induced Dunning Kruger.  Because he is an expert on chemistry, I will treat him as an expert in servo drives.  I am and will remain deaf to any pleas of ignorance and/or inexperience.

Oddly enough, if it weren't for bastards like me, no progress would ever happen.