The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

[Doktor Howl]

0 as a rational number kind of makes my brain hurt, since you can't divide by zero and ratios are division.

Yes you can.

You're just gonna go giving the secrets away, aren't you?

Blame L'hospital.  He already spilled the beans.

[Pergamos]

0 as a rational number kind of makes my brain hurt, since you can't divide by zero and ratios are division.

Yes you can.

well yeah,  I went on to say you could...

[Doktor Howl]

Today:

Me:  "So I found out what the smell was that everyone was complaining about."

Norton:  "Yeah?"

Me:  "The drain over in the dip room went manky.  Some kind of weird algae.  Smelled like raver ass crack."

Norton:  "How do you know what  raver ass crack smells like?"

Me:  *stares for 2 seconds too long*

Norton:  "Um, right.  So what did you do about it?"

Me:  "A poured some phosphates down the drain."

Norton:  "Wait.  Back up.  You poured phosphates on algae?"

Me:  "Damn skippy."

Norton:  "That won't kill it, that will make it ten times worse!"

Me: "stares for 5 seconds too long*

Norton:  "You aren't what I was expecting when I applied."

Me:  "Life is full of tiny disappointments."

Norton:  "I was expecting science, not horror."

Me:  "Horror IS science.  And vice versa."

Norton:  "Is it wrong to have expected NORMAL science?"

Me:  "Marie Curie sewed through her own face with a radium-soaked thread.  Isaac Newton sold slaves.  Einstein liked to have sex dressed up as a baby."

Norton:  "You just made that last one up."

Me:  "You want I should prove it?"

Norton:  "No."

Me:  "This is SCIENCE, Norton.  Everything you look at is horrible, but you look anyway.  Because you gotta.  If you have the soul of a scientist, you have no choice.  You just GOTTA look at the pic of Einstein boner in a diaper."

Norton:  "JESUS H CHRIST, BOSS!"

Me:  "This is all normal, Norton."

[tyrannosaurus vex]

My favorite part of the Scientific Method is "if any doubt remains, proceed at full speed and see what's on the other side"

[Doktor Howl]

My favorite part of the Scientific Method is "if any doubt remains, proceed at full speed and see what's on the other side"

Damn right.

And no matter how fucked up the data looks, it's telling you the truth.  Even that part of the data.  ESPECIALLY that part of the data.

[Doktor Howl]

10 brutal hours today, but we closed the deal.

I have successfully sold our weapons manufacturing plant to pot farming hippies.

I don't know whether to be proud or to throw myself into the Rillito river out of sheer self-disgust.

[Doktor Howl]

Norton:  "How did you ever get to be such a terrible person?"

Me:  "This level of moral failure isn't easy.  I was forced to start at the top and work my way down."

[Doktor Howl]

Me:  "So we have like three shell companies, who through various manipulations on paperwork own 49% of each other."

Norton:  "Why 49%."

Me:  "So that no company has controlling interest.  That's very important."

Norton:  "Yeah?"

Me:  "Yeah.  I buy parts from one company at 40% markup, that company pays tax on the income.  Then I sell to one of the other companies at a 10% loss, but at a volume that lets me take a nice tax cut that comes in at around 11%.  AND keeps competitors from joining the market.  It's all nice and legal, provided I accept no other contracts at a higher price."

Norton:  "Wait wait wait. Where does this money wind up?"

Me:  "De jure or de facto?"

Norton:  "Both."

Me:  "In the owner's pocket."

Norton:  "So we are selling for less than we paid, and turning a profit?"

Me:  "Yep.  It works out to about a 2% profit, but in transactions of this size, that's a LOT of cabbage."

Norton:  "This has to be illegal."

Me:  "Nope.  We're not publicly traded, so none of the SEC crap applies."

Norton:  "So he takes money out of one of his pockets and puts it in the other pocket, but there's 2% MORE?  Where does the actual profit COME from?"

Me:  "The United States Treasury, which is to say "us."

Norton:  "So the old man successfully robbed himself."

Me:  "And made out like a bandit."

Norton:  "This is a terrible place."

Me:  "In Asshat Ego, pleb."

[Faust]

That is horrifying, and makes me wonder how many other companies are doing the same

[Doktor Howl]

That is horrifying, and makes me wonder how many other companies are doing the same

What's odd is that when I was working for the oil company, they never played games like this, and they were moving literally billions of Euro around every month.

[The Johnny]

That is horrifying, and makes me wonder how many other companies are doing the same

What's odd is that when I was working for the oil company, they never played games like this, and they were moving literally billions of Euro around every month.

It's hard to say in the context of capitalism, but perhaps because the paperwork would be too much of a hassle to turn a profit for them when they're making so much already?

[Doktor Howl]

That is horrifying, and makes me wonder how many other companies are doing the same

What's odd is that when I was working for the oil company, they never played games like this, and they were moving literally billions of Euro around every month.

It's hard to say in the context of capitalism, but perhaps because the paperwork would be too much of a hassle to turn a profit for them when they're making so much already?

When money rolls in that fast, why take chances?

[Doktor Howl]

Norton:  "Why does the boss call you 'a fucking wizard'?"

Me:  "Because I can change reality just by doing unit conversions in Excel."

Norton:  "I'm going to need you to explain that."

Me:  "Easy.  You see that dude over there?"

Norton:  "Yeah."

Me:  "Okay, his group makes the company a profit of $800,000/year.  Sounds good, right?"

Norton:  "It's not bad."

Me:  "BUT that is $2191/day.  Now, this his part of the building costs me $0.54/square foot/day, and so that comes up to $2500/day.  So his group is running at a deficit.  Therefore he is bad for the company."

Norton:  "Do you count our square footage against us?"

Me:  "No."

Norton:  "Why not?"

Me:  "Nobody has ordered me to do so."

Norton:  "And what if they do?"

Me:  "I will simply find another variable that makes my group profitable.  They're out there.  Reality isn't important.  The way it is presented is important."

Norton:  "I fucking hate it here."

Me:  "So why do you stay?"

Norton:  "The girls say that this is good for me."

Me:  "Where do you come from, Norton?"

Norton:  "Nebraska."

Me:  Then this IS good for you, Norton."

[Doktor Howl]

Also today:

Norton:  "Have you guys ever tried being, you know, ethical and moral?"

Me:  "You can't do both at the same time."

Norton:  "That's ridiculous."

Dave:  "Norton, do you ever stop to think about what we DO here?"

Me:  "He's right.  When we do things that are good for the company, we hurt humanity.  When we act as responsible corporate officers, we are being ethical, but when we commit senseless and destructive acts of office politics and skullduggery, we are harming the company and thus being moral."

Norton:  "And you guys think by alternating, you can balance the ledger out?"

Dave:  "Nope."

Me:  "Mostly we just do whatever pops into our heads on any given day."

Norton:  "..."

Dave:  "Welcome to hell, kid."

Me:  "This is all normal."

[The Wizard Joseph]

Just want to reiterate the phrase from fb
"Moral Power Bottom".

Something to aspire to for most, but I think you're setting the standard just by being you.