The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

[Doktor Howl]

Beirut wasn't me, guys.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93tV6-0Ugwk

[The Wizard Joseph]

Beirut wasn't me, guys.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93tV6-0Ugwk

I dunno... That sounds like what someone that did Beirut would say.

[altered]

It does, doesn't it?

But let's not kid ourselves. Someone who did Beirut would not be so obvious about it. Also, if they did Beirut they could do us, so it doesn't really bear thinking about, right?

I choose to loudly trust the good Doktor on this topic, as he has NEVER steered us wrong, unless it was for our own good.

[The Wizard Joseph]

It does, doesn't it?

But let's not kid ourselves. Someone who did Beirut would not be so obvious about it. Also, if they did Beirut they could do us, so it doesn't really bear thinking about, right?

I choose to loudly trust the good Doktor on this topic, as he has NEVER steered us wrong, unless it was for our own good.

I think it's more COMPLEX than that.
*throws Occam's razor out window to sound of a scream*

FIRST did he have opportunity?
Well everyone at the plant SOMEHOW got corona but him. He has NO ALIBI. He didn't not not not have opportunity, and no meaningful oversight of his activities. The door is clearly open here and we need to go through it.

SECOND you are correct that a NORMAL EVIL GENIUS who did Beirut would not be obvious about it, but Dok is NOT the usual sort of evil genius. Oh he does things that may SEEM like imbecilic folly, sure, like infamously getting his tongue stuck in a printer or putting a mirror in a scanner with no concern for timeline integrity, but what if that is Kaiser effin' Sosa looking up at you stooped "helplessly" over that printer? What if it's all a ruse for strategic gain a decade later? Ever think of THAT!? Of course not, and that's the point.

So you're like, "But what about motive?" Well did you SEE THAT KABOOM?? I know my fiddly bits started to fiddle just looking at it, and THAT is a historical motive for all manner of atrocity.

THIRD he does weapon Science for a living! He can take common household vinegar and baking soda, run them through a coffee filter, give them the People's Eyebrow and BAM dessication trigger high explosive. IT's PRETTY DRY in Lebanon my friends. Pretty dry.

I can't connect a single one of these dots, but they are CLEARLY RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER. 

[altered]

I would consider these points, but you have forgotten the simple fact that a mad scientist who could do Beirut could do us as well. Best to just leave these things lie, don't you think?

[The Wizard Joseph]

I would consider these points, but you have forgotten the simple fact that a mad scientist who could do Beirut could do us as well. Best to just leave these things lie, don't you think?

No, I don't think, and that's my whole problem really.

[altered]

I've heard it's incurable. Turns you into one of them drug prevention specialist types.

[Doktor Howl]

Today, the CEO said "What more can go wrong?"

We all kinda looked down at the table.

30 minutes later the front office sewer line collapsed and backed up the toilet in his office like Goddamn Mount Pele.

Do never test. 

[altered]

I mean, at that point you're literally, by DEFINITION, asking for it.

I hope SOMEONE had the guts to tell him so, too.

[Doktor Howl]

I mean, at that point you're literally, by DEFINITION, asking for it.

I hope SOMEONE had the guts to tell him so, too.

Why bother?  He's 80 years old.  He knows this shit better than I do, and yet he still does this.

[Doktor Howl]

Then he picked a fight with the fire inspector.   

[ReverendJesus]

5.  Spend some time in Europe as a civilian. (2008-2011)

Holy shit Dok, you're also a vet‽ How did I not pick up on this? I got out in 2015.

[Doktor Howl]

5.  Spend some time in Europe as a civilian. (2008-2011)

Holy shit Dok, you're also a vet‽ How did I not pick up on this? I got out in 2015.

I was in from 87-96, because I am ancient.

[Doktor Howl]

Today at work:

David:  "What are you doing?"

Me:  "Don't move for a minute."

David:  "Are you scanning my face?"

Me:  "Maybe."

David:  "If you load my face into the new product's FR system, you're not getting a bonus."

Me:  "I'm so alone."

David:  "Norton will be back soon."

[Doktor Howl]

So, we are down to 30% headcount on account of everyone has the plague.  I have been interviewing temps this morning to keep moving forward.  A couple of them look promising. 

#1

Me: "So what are you after in a job?"

Amanda:  "A job."

Me:  "Do you have any experience working in a horrible corporate environment where your dreams are crushed just because?"

Amanda:  "My last job was programming for Oracle."

Me:  "ooooh."

Amanda:  "Yes, 'oooooh'."

Me:  "Are you okay with sort of tested robots chasing and killing rats in your vicinity?"

Amanda:  "It's a job, right?  I.  Need a.  Job."

Me:  "Well, we'll see you at 7 AM tomorrow."

#2

Me:  "I like your resume, but I do have to warn you that our CEO hates Armenians."

John:  "What?  I'm not Armenian."

Me:  "Doesn't matter, he's out to get everyone.  Have you ever worked on explosives?

John:  "Um.  I was told this was a lab job."

Me:  "Yes it is but also explosives."

John:  "I feel as if this is the closest 2020 will ever get to Christmas."


#3

Me:  "So, I called your reference, and he says you are brilliant and hard working, but a little high-strung."

Jackie:  *high pitched noise*