The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

[Doktor Howl]

Today, at work:

Me:  "We have been asked for an analysis of recovery time from another Carrington Event."

Dear God.

They're paying you to be Dr. Strangelove.

I have had the very rare privilege of naming my department, on account of it's brand new.

Slim Pickins was in the running, but I decided a more appropriate name could be robbed from Iaian Banks. So we are now "Special Circumstances".

[Doktor Howl]

We got our new lair today. 

Billy:  "So, we're in the sub-basement."

Me:  "Yes.  This is where we belong.  30 feet underground, surrounded by 65" monitors, beneath the IRS and the Marshals and a grab bag of 3 letter agencies."

Norton:  "I can see the sense in this.  James Bond villains are always below ground level."

Me:  "But we are no longer James Bond villains.  We are now paid by the government, and so everything we do is 100% legit."

Sideways Dave:  "For a given value of legit."

Me:  "The only value that really matters.  We do things, and not only are we not thrown in the slammer, we get paid."

Norton:  "I feel as if that's a really low bar."

Billy:  "Did you want a high bar?  This bar is effortless.  It oozes along at a respectable speed."

Norton:  "Well, I just didn't see myself doing this while I was earning a chemistry degree."

Me:  "Look at SD.  He got a biochem engineering degree, and immediately squicked out everyone in the county."

SD:  *frowns* *grins*

Me:  "See?  You should learn from SD's example."

SD:  *GRINS*

Norton:  *Looks stricken*

Me:  "This is all normal, Norton.  Our contract says so."

[Cramulus]

In short, we get paid to think about system failure and what plans need to be in place, but in a far more general way.  We get paid to be obsessive pessimists.  Which I was already doing for free.

that sounds like your dream job

[Doktor Howl]

In short, we get paid to think about system failure and what plans need to be in place, but in a far more general way.  We get paid to be obsessive pessimists.  Which I was already doing for free.

that sounds like your dream job

Yes, it's sort of what I was doing in 2017.  I just took a few years off for DEFF ROBOTS.

[Doktor Howl]

So, one of my many responsibilities is oversight over operations and maintenance.

This should not be a chore, because the chief engineer takes care of that.  Only he doesn't.  In fact, things are kind of the opposite of "taken care of" to the point that it might actually impact the contract (and therefore the money, but that's sort of secondary to the idea that "shit should get done.")

Friday I will have some special time with him.

Hilarity later.

[Doktor Howl]

I lost a dance off with the chief deputy US Marshall for the Southwest today.

[Doktor Howl]

So I finally had a chance to have a heart-to-internal void conversation with worthless Chief Engineer.  His name is Dave, but to protect the guilty, we will just call him Dave.

Me:  "Come in and sit down, Dave.  There.  Are you comfortable?"

Dave:  "No."

Me:  "That's because I had one of the techs break that chair before you arrived.  Anyway, this is Billy and Norton, this grinning guy is Sideways Dave.  Who is just like you except that he's a huge angry Bolivian, and he's sideways."

SD:  *GRIN*

Dave:  "..."

Me:  "In any case, we are your management team.  Unlike your previous management team, we are here to manage.  This isn't good news for you, since part of that management involves having the chief engineers for each facility do chief engineer things.  You are not doing the things."

Dave:  "We're too busy to listen to..."

SD:  "Shut up, Vato."

Dave:  "Excuse me?"

SD:  "I said shut up.  Are you a fool?  You are constantly under the baleful eye of our Sauron-like cameras.  You and your guys have been 'busy' holding down your chairs, watching reality TV, and putting a massive dent in the world's Dorito supply."

Me:  "He's right.  No actual work is being done.  The other facilities are averaging 3 open work orders at any time.  You have" *checks notes* "130 open work orders.  You have also closed 70 work orders that have been bounced back as not actually done."

Dave:  "I want my union rep."

Me:  "I thought of that.  He's on speaker phone."

Jim, via speakerphone:  "Go fuck yourself, Dave.  You're making the entire union look bad."  *click*

Me:  "Well.  Hardly Joe Hill, but what can you do?"

Dave:  "..."

Billy:  "Ah, is it finally sinking in?  20 years of doing nothing, with no consequences, but now there are in fact consequences."

Me:  "So anyway, in my infinite mercy, I have elected to give you a chance.  You and your crew will get off of your ass and get working, or you will hit the bricks at an unreasonable speed."

Dave:  "Okay"

Me:  "I'm not done yet.  Sideways Dave will be spending his work days out at your facility, which for him is a 2 hour drive each way.  He will do this until the situation is corrected, by whichever means are necessary.  Look at him.  Does he look happy about 4 hours of commuting each day?  He does not.  This isn't good for anyone involved."

Dave:  "oh no"

SD:  *scowl*

Me:  "I think that covers everything.  Do you have any questions?"

Dave:  "oh no"

Billy:  "Relax, Dave, I can assure you that this is all normal."

Norton:  "Welcome to hell, dude."

Me:  "We're going to do great things."


(It's worth noting that the broken chair thing literally never gets old.)

[Faust]

Pour sideways Dave, 4 hours a day is a killer, but it will be good for that thing that passes for his soul

[Doktor Howl]

Pour sideways Dave, 4 hours a day is a killer, but it will be good for that thing that passes for his soul

Not really.  I've assigned an intern to drive him.

[Doktor Howl]

Useless Chief Engineer was tossed out the airlock yesterday, as even Sideways Dave was unable to make a dent in his towering incompetence.

So I called the new guy into the office.

Me:  "Congratulations, James."

James:  "What for?"

Me:  "You're now the Chief Engineer for Region 9."

James:  "Um, I've been with the company a week."

Me:  "Yes.  That leaves you with the qualities I'm looking for."

James:  "Which are?"

Billy:  "You're still in your probation period."

Norton:  "You sorry bastard."

SD:  *GRIN*

Me:  "Don't listen to these assholes.  You're gonna do fine.  Only you're 157 work orders in the hole."

James:  "What?"

Billy:  "Better move like you have a purpose, dude."

James:  "..."

Me:  "It's also a $7/hour raise.  And a company car."

James:  "Okay.  Who do I have to kill?"

Norton:  "..."

Billy:  "..."

SD:  "Oh, I LIKE this one."

So this is how we bring the future on.  By bribing naive youngsters into doing truly stupid things.

[Doktor Howl]

Zoom meeting at work today, sadly voice only.

Me:  "How are things going down there, James?"

James:  "DEATH, DESTRUCTION, AND TERROR."

Me:  "How excellent.  I see that you spent $30K this week."

James:  "20 years of neglect carries a price tag."

Me:  "Fair enough.  I like what I'm seeing in terms of work orders completed.  You need anything else?"

James:  "Give me more money.  More money means more shit fixed."

Billy:  "James has now reached the land speed record for turning into Hamish."

James:  "HAIL HYDRA!" *logs off*

[chaotic neutral observer]

Zoom meeting at work today, sadly voice only.

Me:  "How are things going down there, James?"

James:  "DEATH, DESTRUCTION, AND TERROR."

Me:  "How excellent.  I see that you spent $30K this week."

James:  "20 years of neglect carries a price tag."

Me:  "Fair enough.  I like what I'm seeing in terms of work orders completed.  You need anything else?"

James:  "Give me more money.  More money means more shit fixed."

I like this guy.  Full frontal pragmatism is a valuable quality.

But what happens when he runs out of work orders?  Something horrible and glorious, I hope.

[Doktor Howl]

It just occurred to me that I get paid a lot more money to do good things than I got to do evil things.

This somehow seems un-American.  It makes me feel dirty.

[Doktor Howl]

Zoom meeting at work today, sadly voice only.

Me:  "How are things going down there, James?"

James:  "DEATH, DESTRUCTION, AND TERROR."

Me:  "How excellent.  I see that you spent $30K this week."

James:  "20 years of neglect carries a price tag."

Me:  "Fair enough.  I like what I'm seeing in terms of work orders completed.  You need anything else?"

James:  "Give me more money.  More money means more shit fixed."

I like this guy.  Full frontal pragmatism is a valuable quality.

But what happens when he runs out of work orders?  Something horrible and glorious, I hope.

The reward for a job well done is more work.

[altered]

It just occurred to me that I get paid a lot more money to do good things than I got to do evil things.

This somehow seems un-American.  It makes me feel dirty.

It's what you deserve. As punishment for your evil no-good deeds of Satan, you see. In America, we punish true evil with loads and loads of money.