The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

[Doktor Howl]

Today at lunch:

Waitress:  "You guys come in here every day, and you speak English, but I don't understand any of it.  Like those blowlide things."

Fatima:  "Bolides."

Waitress:  "What are they?"

Fatima:  "If you do them right, they end world hunger."

And THAT, Ladies & Gentlemen, is why we call Fatima "The Chairman of the Board."

[Doktor Howl]

So, there's the soul-less pizza party in the breakroom, and then there's the mandatory soul-less pizza party in the windowless breakroom.  With mandatory party hats.

I am not morally responsible for this. Fatima issued threats.

[Doktor Howl]

Today at work:

Me:  "We hired a new engineer, Fatima.  He starts today, I need you to show him the ropes."

Fatima:  "Which ropes?  The ones in the..."

Me:  "No, the figurative ropes.  It's worth mentioning that he is a fetus.  I kept wanting to ask him if his parents signed the permission slip for the interview."

Fatima:  "Perhaps it is not that he is so young, but that you are old and feeble."

Me:  "I'll have you know I beat Samuel Beckett in a fight."

Fatima: *squints*  "Was it a fair fight?"

Me:  "Yes, I had a baseball bat and he had emphysema.  Anyway, here he comes."

Fatima:  "Good lord, he is an INFANT."

Me:  "He's a year younger than you."

Fatima:  "I was never young."

Scott:  "Hey, what's up?"

Me:  "Hey, Scott, this is Fatima.  She's going to be your mentor."

Scott:  "Hello, Fatima."

Fatima:  *scowls*

Me:  "Well, you seem to be getting along fine, I'm just gonna go to that meeting I just realized I needed to hold."

Scott:  "Um...What?"

Fatima:  "We're going to do great things."

[Doktor Howl]

Today at work:

Scott:  "So it turns out the slide needs another 100 or so foot-pounds to operate properly, but..."

Fatima:  *slaps Scott up the back of his head*  "Use proper units, nerd.  Are you a savage?"

Me:  "Whoa, Fatima.  We have to talk about this.  You can't be hitting other employees."

Fatima:  *glares*

Scott:  "Um, I'm not complaining."

*Scott's eyes flick over to Fatima with The Look*

Oh, my.  Scott seems to have the world's worst case of Autassassinophilia.  This should be interesting going forward.

[Doktor Howl]

Today at work

Me:  "Don't get pissed off at me, and I know you can take care of yourself, but I am required to ask you whether or not Scott following you around like a puppy dog is making you uncomfortable."

Fatima:  "It is not."

Me:  "You're sure."

Fatima:  "I have tentatively decided to not kill him."

Me:  "Wow.  You two are crushing hard."

Fatima:  "Crush?  Crush?  If you want me to show you a crush, come to the machine shop's press and I WILL SHOW YOU CRUSH!"

Me: "No, that will not be necessary.  On another subject, how is the project going?"

Fatima:  "Slow.  I need to do a live test."

Me:  "And just where would we do that without starting a war?  I mean, this thing is hard to miss."

Fatima:  *scowls* "details.  I need some explodey data."

Me:  "That's not even a word."

Fatima:  "It is the best word."

[Doktor Howl]

Hamish:  *does desk haka*

Scott:  "WTF?"

Fatima:  "He just got made a director and it seems to have driven him mad."

Hamish:  "MAD WITH POWER!"

Hamish:  *sticks tongue out, grimaces, roars*

Fatima:  "It's so sad when their aging minds give out."

Hamish:  "Be nice.  I know what you two have been up to in the altitude chamber."

Fatima:  "I will end you and they will never find the body."

Hamish:  "I gotta say, that is the laziest mile high club I've ever heard of."

Fatima:  *starts rage face*

Scott:  "You should run, boss."

Hamish:  *grimaces some more, makes chopping motions with his hands.*

[Doktor Howl]

Board member:  "Can you explain the video clip we just watched?"

Hamish:  "Yes.  That's two of my engineers fucking in the altitude chamber.  I would think that was obvious."

Board member:  "I can see that.  What are you going to do about it?"

Hamish:  "Get the janitor have him clean up, and give him a nice bonus."

Board member:  "No, what are you going to do with those engineers?"

Hamish:  "Nothing.  I'm a married man."

Board member:  "Don't play stupid with me."

Hamish:  "I never play."

Other board member: "WHY. ARE. THEY. STILL. WORKING. HERE?"

Hamish:  "Because normal people won't work here.  We make war crimes.  These kids are instrumental in said war crimes, and all they ask is for the use of the chamber once in a while."

Both board members:  "..."

Hamish:  "I also believe that we're looking at unrealized assets, here.  People would line up to pay to fuck in an altitude chamber."

Board member:  *turns red.  Hamish's job security is looking dicey*

Hamish:  "I mean, we only use that thing for like 3 hours a month, and that depreciation isn't getting any cheaper."

Other board member:  "Just get out.  Go back to work.  Or whatever you do when we're not here."

Board member:  "What DO you do here?"

Hamish:  "I find weasels who rat their buddies out to the front office, and then I come up with the hundred and *fifth* use for ballistic gel.  Look, this is really simple.  You allow minor perversions, and these kids will make really, really big perversions for you.  I mean, next to what we produce, what is a little hanky panky at 2500 meters?"

Other board member:  "Which part is giving you trouble?  The get part or the out part?"

Well, back to work.

[Doktor Howl]

Things I said at work today:

"Well, I don't know why you would need the keys to the wind tunnel, Fatima, but I'm sure you have a good reason.  Here you go."

"No, I don't know why the camera for the wind tunnel went down.  Might be related to the altitude chamber camera problem."

"I'll wait til I get home to take a shit."  *Gets on I10*  *parks*  *nothing moves*  UNNNNNNNNNG

[Doktor Howl]

So Fatima and Scott will be out for a little while, because somehow they thought the vibe table would be a fun place to knock boots.

They are expected to make complete recoveries.