things I will do when I am emperor of the universe

[tyrannosaurus vex]

If 200+ years of "democracy" has taught us anything, it's that humans are awful at governing themselves. I've completely given up all hope of convincing people to improve, because even if they eventually do (which they won't), I'll be dead long before I see it. So instead of giving a shite about the state of human affairs, I will spend the rest of my life dreaming up new rules for You People to live by. Here are a few I'm working on at the moment.

1. No more music about feelings and relationships. "I have feelings and I will adjust my relationship status accordingly" has been expressed so many times there's no way there's anything left to say here. From now on, all songs will address dragons, space monsters, epic historical arcs, or something else that's completely unrelated to how you "feel", which no one cares to hear.

2. Driving slow in the fast lane will be a holy sacrament. There's no reason to be in a hurry to get anywhere people are expecting you. Life is too short, and besides, nobody really gives a fuck about you showing up on time unless you get there early and make them look bad by comparison. All the more reason to take your time.

3. Everyone will be required to spend at least 3 hours per day piling insults on anyone on the internet who tries to look cool by being "edgy". Being offensive isn't witty, it just drags conversations into chaos by short-circuiting the human instinct to be right about everything all the time.

4. No more songs that are written entirely in 4/4. Just knock it off. It's the 21st century, we shouldn't still need musical training wheels.

5. All scientists will be pulled from any projects and research currently underway and will be assigned tasks that contribute directly to the development of cold fusion, flying cars, and faster-than-light interstellar travel. They will not be allowed to visit their children until certain breakthroughs have been made. We live in the future, and it's time we started acting like it.

This list is not finished, so don't get comfortable.

[LMNO]

I resolve from here on out to write all my songs in 1/1.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

I resolve from here on out to write all my songs in 1/1.

This is simultaneously unavoidable and irresponsible. I see I will also need a Ministry of Punishing Technicalities and Loopholes.

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[Cain]

If 200+ years of "democracy" has taught us anything, it's that we can disregard Vex's views on anything musical.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

If 200+ years of "democracy" has taught us anything, it's that we can disregard Vex's views on anything musical.

At your own peril.

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[Doktor Howl]

If 200+ years of "democracy" has taught us anything, it's that we can disregard Vex's views on anything musical.

Also mine, according to LMNO.   

[LMNO]

If 200+ years of "democracy" has taught us anything, it's that we can disregard Vex's views on anything musical.

Also mine, according to LMNO.   

A guy says that Burn Down the Mission is "okay" just once, and look what happens.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

If 200+ years of "democracy" has taught us anything, it's that we can disregard Vex's views on anything musical.

Also mine, according to LMNO.   

A guy says that Burn Down the Mission is "okay" just once, and look what happens.

Burn Down for what now

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[Doktor Howl]

If 200+ years of "democracy" has taught us anything, it's that we can disregard Vex's views on anything musical.

Also mine, according to LMNO.   

A guy says that Burn Down the Mission is "okay" just once, and look what happens.

Hey, I also like Safety Dance.

[LMNO]

In penance, blast Bearforce1 at work. Make Billy dance.

[Doktor Howl]

In penance, blast Bearforce1 at work. Make Billy dance.

I apparently do penance every day.   

[tyrannosaurus vex]

more rules.

6. Building codes will require that for every 5 fire drills in any densely populated building, there must be at least 1 actual fire. Otherwise, we're practicing for nothing. Think of it as a Kobayashi Maru for desk jockeys.

7. There will be absolutely no films or television programs set in the real world where all the characters are subject to the normal laws of physics or probability, because that defeats the purpose of escapism.

8. All elections will be carried out by randomly recruiting D&D players to a central location, where they will each be assigned a candidate and proceed to decide the election by a series of D20 rolls.

9. All professional sports will be condensed three-week period and run simultaneously with no access to the public, and with no coverage in any communication medium other than interpretive dance.

10. Country music can never be eradicated because it is a deeply loved cultural phenomenon. However, all performances of it must occur in the Louisiana swamps, outdoors, without amplification.

[Doktor Howl]

*eradicated

It's like I don't even know you, anymore.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

*eradicated

It's like I don't even know you, anymore.

I'm drunk most of the time. Not on alcohol, tho, or I'd know how to stop. Maybe it's that bottomless depression I keep hearing about.

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[Q. G. Pennyworth]

I DEMAND 3D6 MECHANICS AT THE VERY LEAST. THE PROBABILITY SPREAD ON D20 IS BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT.