And on the Sixth day, just as God was contemplating creating man:

[THE QLIPHITISER]

God: Lets create some animals with more sophisticated minds and wild genitals
Jeffery: Ah God, you're not going to just let them run free with those wild genitals, are you?
God: You're right Jeffery, I will make their genitals so provocative that it will cause depression and immense heartbreak even at the thought of them
Jeffery: Hey God, you know that's not enough right. They'll start of raping each other, then they'll start filming porn
God: Then I shall send my lazy son down to tell them to be shameful!
Jeffery: Eh, God? isn't that sort of cruel?
God: I'll make them so obsessed and enticed by it that and equally ashamed and scared, that their whole existence will be based around this intense anxiety that will never be fulfilled. I'll beat 'ole Lucifer at his own game!! Huh? 
Jeffery: God, god! No, no, no!! But that religion you are thinking of building, it's supposed to be about peace and love??
God: It's loving ME Jeffery, worshiping ME. I get no TV up here, what else can I do?
Jeffery: So you're just going to make them slaves of sexuality?
God: But that's the thing, they will too! They'll center their whole world around their obsession at the same time as shunning it. It's diabolical 
Jeffery: You're gonna make them slaves to their most basic, instinct. You're fucking sick 
God: If they don't have something to repent for, how will they worship me? They'll work out their own political morality system after a while and won't need me
Jeffery: And Jesus? and the universe?
God: Jeffery, do you THINK that anybody cares about the other planets in the universe? 
Jeffery: I'm leaving. Go please yourself, I don't care.

(Jeffery flies off angrily)

God: Now what am I going to do for fun?.....I know, I'll make....UNICORNS