Hate Letters Again

[Doktor Howl]

I am running contests on FB and awarding a hate letter to the winners.  Last night was a tie between Jake (our very own Cainad), and Colby Dykes, for doing the best imitations of me.

Their letters:

Dear Jake,

I've been reading your "work", and I have to say that nobody is impressed by a geography degree.  I mean, who CARES if you can tell us what the capital of Oslo is?  And of COURSE they have rocks.  That's *all* they have, really, unless you count ice, lutefisk, and hilarious death metal bands.  What kind of job do you even get with that sort of degree?  Working the desk at the Department of Telling People WHAT?

What's more, you live in a horrible East coast location where nobody WANTS to know where anything is.  I mean, being the guy at the party that knows where South Attelboro is isn't going to get you laid.  No.  It is NOT punk, and you will eventually wind up marrying a Norwegian lady that has a pull-start strap-on named "Dongzilla".  And may God have mercy on your soul.  Assuming You People even have one.

The way I see it, you have spent too much time with that Professor Cramulus fellow, and this has led you to a series of poor choices in both your career and in your personal hygiene.  He's been playing you, and you're just going to be another patsy in his nefarious schemes...And when Richter shows up looking annoyed with pterodactyl shit all over his brand-new hat, guess who's taking the fall?  That's right. You.  And there will be no use in crying at that point.  He will not listen to any sob stories about you being led astray by malevolent New Yorkers.  He will just snatch you up by the back of your pants and that's the last we'll ever hear from you.  And thank God for that.

I may sound hostile; I am.  We here in God's Country have had it up to HERE with You People with your "ethical science" and your "culture" and your "air".  We have had it with your superior attitude just because you have the population density of Kyoto and access to an endless supply of badly-pixilated Gandhi bukkake.  (An aside:  Word now recognizes the word "bukkake", and I am inclined to blame you guys for this.  Jerks.)

No, we long for the good old days, back before you liberal freaks made everything so damn fuzzy.  When men were men and cowboy love was nothing to be ashamed of.  When every man was a Benito, and every woman an Imelda, and all the dinners on time!  When the only drugs we needed were bourbon and smack, and people. When kids were fungible farm machinery and you could steal the only book you ever needed from the local church.

We are a simple people up here, and we don't need your Goddamn patchouli stink.

Venomously yours,
Dok

AND

Dear Colby,

Billy and I have discussed things, and while we have to – literally – deal with a lot of shit in the course of our duties, we have never before even discussed a piece of shit like you.  You are unique.  You are the human equivalent of multi-colored dog poop, and that is not even mentioning your *breath*.

I suppose it cannot be helped; you live in Trump central, the clearing house for shit-eating po'buckers who managed to lay down the crack pipe long enough to vote for the human-shaped corruption that infests the white house.  Why would they do such a thing, effectively killing themselves off?

Because it's rural Illinois.  YOU know you're bad for the species, just as WE know you're bad for the species.  You are, collectively, a giant sack of double-recessive genes and fetal alcohol syndrome shambling around the WalMart parking lot looking for cigarette butts that still have a quarter inch of unused tobacco, or maybe just a slightly-used discarded fleshlight upon which to slake your unnatural lusts. 

People like you are a blight on civilization, and probably the most damning thing about our society, aside from maybe the Cronut.  There isn't an unmolested house pet within 50 miles of Danville, and the livestock flee at your approach.  They know, Colby, THEY KNOW.

This is why you are called "flyover country".  And not just by us NORMAL people, but also aliens.  We have been in contact with the grey bastards for YEARS now, only we don't let them know about you, sort of like you don't let people outside of your trailer park know about your cousin Merle who is due to get out of the state penitentiary any day now, at least for as long as he can refrain from indulging in his ethylene glycol habit.  The aliens are already nervous around us (something about species that set nukes off in their own atmosphere), and God only knows what they'd do if they learned about YOU.  They'd probably steer a gigantic asteroid at us...At the VERY least, they'd stop making porn.

And you DON'T want to get in the way of our grey porn.  No.  You can elect Trump, you can get your filth all over Iowa (who cares?), and you can make crappy pizza, but you do not stand between NORMAL people and their perfectly healthy curiosity about grey booty.

REMEMBER THAT, YOU SWINE.

Love & kisses,
Dok


Tonight's contest is the best new slur aimed at Donald Trump.

[LMNO]

I like your use of the FB platform.  Creative hate-writing projects!

[Cainad (dec.)]

Retorted earlier today:

To the Esteemed Doktor Howl,
for Whom entirely new definitions of Malpractice needed to be codified,
within Whom resides Thoughts and Ideas unfit for decent society,
who places himself atop the World and dons a Crown of UUUUNNNNG,

The practice and study of geography may be all fun and games to you, sir. But when the moorings finally break and Tuscon floats away into space, where will you be then? You won't know, and it will be because you can't tell a Mercator projection from a Conical projection.

I kid, of course. The real reason you won't know is because your so-called "Holy Land" has no reliable landmarks except coyote poop and the occasional cactus. You think you're safe from the reach of our gentrified, overpriced Eastern Empire just because the desert is bigger than it actually is and has devoured every one we've ever sent out there on reconnaissance?

The fact that time flows backwards in the desert has been a real pisser, I'll grant you that. You may be safe for a while yet while we figure out how to get up there without devolving into shitgibbons. Our experts think it has something to do with the lack of water. We also aren't completely sure WHY we are all driven like lemmings to get up there and Show You What, but there's no time for introspection these days.

Progress is inevitable, good Doktor. It may be slower or faster, and it is definitely Terrible and Ugly and Wrong, but it is inevitable. It's also kind of squidgy and smells bad, but you get used to it.

Odiously Yours,
Right Rev. Jake

[Doktor Howl]

 

Michael Theeke wins last night's contest, having labeled Trump as Mango Unchained.

Dear Michael,

I don't even know where to start with you.  You had the sense to *leave* West Virginia, but you went *to* Florida, which is kind of like going from George W Bush to Donald Trump without bothering to stop in on Barack Obama.  Florida is full of bath salt freaks and Trump voters, and given your stellar record of shitposting, I think we can safely assume you are the former.  You make NO SENSE, and it's only a matter of time before you're chowing on some dude's face under a bridge.

You are, on the other hand, my best evidence against atheism and FOR a malevolent deity who fucks with us on purpose.  It's that raggedy excuse for a beard (assuming that's what it is, rather than leprosy); it smells of old people and death, and those "dabs" things You People are so fond of.  It's like any page you are on is a funeral home with a badly embalmed body that keeps audibly off-gassing while the mourners giggle like low-grade morons.  You make me sick.  You make my family sick.  In THIS, if nothing else, you are a unifying force.  My entire household stays up an extra hour every night just to HATE YOU MORE.

Michael, I have a dream.  I have a dream of a nation where people are not judged by the color of their skin *or* the content of their character, but rather by how far they distance themselves from you and your fellow wretched Floridian douchenozzles.  I think I speak for the vast majority of the American public when I say that Spain can have you back, if they ever get drunk enough to go along with the gag.

Get out.  Just get your shit and get out of the car.

Love and kisses,
Fidel Castro

[Cainad (dec.)]

 

Nice, both for "Mango Unchained" and the letter.

[Doktor Howl]

Dear Anthony,

I took a shit the size of a birthday cake today, and it made me think of you:  Painful, smelly, and awkward.  Rather than flush, I just left it in the bowl, so my employees can also appreciate your better qualities.  Shortly thereafter, there were calls for a plumber and maybe an exorcist, so they got the point.

It's not that you shitpost, it's that you shitpost when *normal* posting would be inappropriate.  It's that you shove old people off the curb in rush hour, and think yelling "OKIDASHI" makes it acceptable.  You have the ethical sense of a weasel with paint stripper on it's balls and the brains of a chicken on speed.  You are truly a 21st century American, in all of it's beshat glory.  You are why we bomb Syria to teach Syria to not bomb Syria.  You are God's punishment on this country for auto-tuned country music.  You are why idiots voted for Sarah Palin, with a straight face.

In any just, decent society, you'd be tarred and feathered and put on a bus to the Aleutians...But we do not live in such a society, so you are permitted to run free to spread your filth to Trump voters and other mentally-compromised people.  The ancient Greeks knew what to do with You People.

Bitterly,
Sam