Tucson Irregulars

[Doktor Howl]

Actual quote from a colleague's advertisement for a postdoc (aka professional lab rat). I deleted the usual banter about must be able to do X, Y & Z....

"Our laboratory is located in picturesque Tucson, a diverse city designated as a UNESCO culinary world heritage site and is listed as #2 on the "Best Small American Cities" by Resonance Consulting Group and National Geographic. We are surrounded by magnificent mountainscapes, several large parks with extensive hiking areas, as well as a thriving arts and culture scene."

It sounds so nice! Needless to say I applied.

Well, you can't really say "Our horseman statue at the courthouse occasionally gets off its pedestal and tramples unwary pedestrians" or "The ghosts of miscarriages haunt our sewer lines" or "due to Bad Physics, you can never actually leave", can you?  No.  You emphasize the good bits.

[Doktor Howl]

The Tucson Irregulars would like to remind you that no matter how fucked up you are, we were there first and that's our poo that you stepped in.

[Doktor Howl]

We in Tucson would like to point out to you Americans that your president is insane and your shit is fucked.  You have a Nazi infestation and you should maybe do something about that.

Here in Tucson, it's still 1962 and Neil Sedaka is still president and breaking up is hard to do.

That being said, we in the Tucson Irregulars have some advice for those of you stuck in your post-republic hellhole.

1.  Forget what it means to be human.  Do whatever you have to do to stay off the trains.
2.  Keep your uniform well-pressed.  Slovenliness will attract the eye of your superiors.
3.  Don't be Gay or brown.  If at all possible, be male.
4.  Practice these phrases:  "I am a patriot," and "I have a personal relationship with Jesus," and "If you don't like it, go somewhere else."
5.  Crying after sex is normal.  I mean, it's normal for *you* right *now*.
6.  Prepare for the notion that the next blackout may be the new normal.