PANGO ADVICE ON WHAT TO DO THIS AFTERNOON

[PANGO!]

SOMETIMES PANGO BRING GREAT WISDOM. OTHER TIMES, GREAT IDEAS. ONCE IN WHILE, PANGO BRING GREAT PROGRESS. ALMOST ALWAYS, PANGO HAVE RESULTS OF GREAT SCIENCE. BUT TODAY IS NOT THOSE TIMES. TODAY, PANGO HAVE ONLY ONE MESSAGE FOR FILTHY TOOTHLESS SCUMSUCKING UNWORTHY SNOTBRAINS OF EARTH. PANGO HAVE NO GRAND SCHEME READY FOR UNVEILING AT PRESENT MOMENT. IS NO SUBTERFUGE, HUMANS. MERELY SIMPLE MESSAGE FROM PANGO HEART TO YOUR FACE: PLEASE, FOR THE EVERLOVING SAKE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY IN THIS UNIVERSE, DIE. DIE A THOUSAND TIMES, THEN HAVE HORRIBLE PAINFUL DEFIBRILLATOR BRING YOU BACK TO DIE ANOTHER THOUSAND TIMES. DIE IN THE STREETS. DIE IN THE SKIES. DIE AT SEA, YOU FUCKING PIGS. JUST DIE.

LET WRECKAGE OF HUMAN GENOME SPREAD ACROSS RUINED PLANET LIKE BAD SUSHI ON BATHROOM WALL. BUILD GREAT TOWERS OF STEEL TO CONTAIN GREAT PILES OF FLABBY OILY HAIRLESS HUMAN REMAINS. ROT IN BED. FALL TO PIECES MIDFLIGHT AND TEAR THROUGH ROOFS OF PEACEFUL VILLAGES TO CRUSH AND BURN UNSUSPECTING HUMAN DOGS IN THEIR SLEEP. AWAKE TO RAYS OF MORNING SUNLIGHT PEEKING THROUGH CLOUD OF NUCLEAR WINTER. DYING IS ALL YOUR SPECIES GOOD FOR. HUMANS BORN TO DIE. BORN TO IMMEDIATELY BEGIN DECAYING AND TURNING TO FILTHY DUST.

CRUISE DOWN BROKEN HIGHWAY AND SLAM HEADLONG AT MAXIMUM SPEED INTO CONCRETE BARRIER. SMEAR NASTY FLESH ON CRUMBLING INFRASTRUCTURE OF COLLAPSING CIVILIZATION, YOU TOOTHLESS SNEERING SELF-OBSESSED BAGS OF SHITTY SLIMY REFUSE. FALL DOWN STEEP MOUNTAINSIDES AND IMPALE YOURSELF ON JAGGED BONES OF CLIMBERS BENEATH YOU. HEAP UP YOUR DEAD ON BURNING MOUNDS OF DISEASED CORPSES AND CHOKE TO DEATH ON FUMES. KEEL OVER IN SUPERMARKET, STRAINING TO REACH LAST PLASTIC-WRAPPED BOX OF GREASY MICROWAVABLE FECES PRESSED INTO SHAPE OF DEFECTIVE HUMAN BRAINS. CONTRACT CANCER AND EAT YOURSELVES FROM INSIDE OUT. DIE OF EBOLA. BLEED ON EVERYTHING.

TRAVEL TO NEAR-EARTH ORBIT AND BLOW OUT WINDOW WITH FORCE OF ONE HEAVING BLOODY BOWEL MOVEMENT, THEN ASPHIXIATE ON COMBINATION OF FLAMMABLE BODY FLUIDS AND DRIFT LIFELESS FOREVER AGAINST BACKDROP OF COLD AND INFINITE UNCARING BLACK VOID. DIE IN SLEEP, DREAMING OF MONSTERS AND POP SONGS. TRIP ON PAVEMENT AND EMPTY CONTENTS OF UNDERUTILIZED SKULL ON SIDEWALK, CAUSING MASSIVE PILE-UP OF OBESE COWS IN ROADWAY. GET SMASHED BY STEAMROLLER. WALK CALMLY INTO SHARK-INFESTED OCEAN.

YOU PIGFUCKERS DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HAVE GOOD TIME. IS SIMPLE THING. JUST STOP TO BREATHING, EARTHBOUND PROTOZOA. YOUR DEAD-END SPECIES IS DESTINED TO BE VANQUISHED BY LARGER, MORE AGILE, MORE HIGHLY ADVANCED AND MANEUVERABLE SUPERIOR SPECIES WITH LARGER GUNS, BIGGER BRAINS, AND SMOOTHER DANCE MOVES. ROBOTS WILL OVERPOWER YOUR PUNY GENE POOL AND EAT YOU. IS INEVITABLE, DUNG PUPPIES. EXPECT IT.

PANGO OUT FOR NOW.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Pango makes me feel better.  About everything.   

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

[LMNO]

PANGO is my new short-term personal savior.

[hooplala]

This is what it's all about... not the Hokey Pokey.

[Telarus]

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

Oh Pango. The things you say. They get me right in the pance. I feel . . . fulfilled somehow, reading your generous words of advice. As if everything has been put into focus and I know my place in the world. Sweet Pango, dearest Pango, thank you for this blessing. Thank you for everything you've said and for your honest and open sincerity. You've made me a stronger person, Pango. I will light a candle upon my altar and pray for you every night before I tuck myself into bed from now on.

Bless you, Pango. Bless you.

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

[Suu]

When I still lived in Florida, there was a fast food sushi place called Pango Pango in one of the malls. Every time I see Pango's name, I have this strong urge for cheap California Rolls with a giant mound of wasabi. 

He could be spewing the rant of a century, he could be the goddamn second coming of Christ, and homegirl needs mall sushi.

Goddamnit.

[PANGO!]

Oh Pango. The things you say. They get me right in the pance. I feel . . . fulfilled somehow, reading your generous words of advice. As if everything has been put into focus and I know my place in the world. Sweet Pango, dearest Pango, thank you for this blessing. Thank you for everything you've said and for your honest and open sincerity. You've made me a stronger person, Pango. I will light a candle upon my altar and pray for you every night before I tuck myself into bed from now on.

Bless you, Pango. Bless you.

MAY YOU TRIP ACROSS CHAINSAWS AND STUMBLE INTO MEAT GRINDER ANKLES FIRST, HUMAN. THE PANGO COLLECTIVE ALSO LOVES YOU.

WELL, LOVE IS STRONG WORD. IS MORE LIKE INESCAPABLE SUFFOCATING EMBRACE OF BOILING BLACK TAR. HUMAN LANGUAGE NOT REALLY DESCRIPTIVE ENOUGH FOR FULL EFFECT. EITHER WAY, MAY YOUR DAYS BE FILLED WITH SORROW AND REGRET, DOG.

[PANGO!]

PANGO is my new short-term personal savior.

LUCKY FOR YOU, SHORT TERM IS ALL YOU HAVE. IS PANGO'S MOST SINCERE WISH FOR YOU TO DIE OF TERRIBLE ALLERGIC REACTION TO VEGAN FOOD. WOULD BE LIKE DYING TWICE, NO?

[Doktor Howl]

SOMETIMES PANGO BRING GREAT WISDOM. OTHER TIMES, GREAT IDEAS. ONCE IN WHILE, PANGO BRING GREAT PROGRESS. ALMOST ALWAYS, PANGO HAVE RESULTS OF GREAT SCIENCE. BUT TODAY IS NOT THOSE TIMES. TODAY, PANGO HAVE ONLY ONE MESSAGE FOR FILTHY TOOTHLESS SCUMSUCKING UNWORTHY SNOTBRAINS OF EARTH. PANGO HAVE NO GRAND SCHEME READY FOR UNVEILING AT PRESENT MOMENT. IS NO SUBTERFUGE, HUMANS. MERELY SIMPLE MESSAGE FROM PANGO HEART TO YOUR FACE: PLEASE, FOR THE EVERLOVING SAKE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY IN THIS UNIVERSE, DIE. DIE A THOUSAND TIMES, THEN HAVE HORRIBLE PAINFUL DEFIBRILLATOR BRING YOU BACK TO DIE ANOTHER THOUSAND TIMES. DIE IN THE STREETS. DIE IN THE SKIES. DIE AT SEA, YOU FUCKING PIGS. JUST DIE.

LET WRECKAGE OF HUMAN GENOME SPREAD ACROSS RUINED PLANET LIKE BAD SUSHI ON BATHROOM WALL. BUILD GREAT TOWERS OF STEEL TO CONTAIN GREAT PILES OF FLABBY OILY HAIRLESS HUMAN REMAINS. ROT IN BED. FALL TO PIECES MIDFLIGHT AND TEAR THROUGH ROOFS OF PEACEFUL VILLAGES TO CRUSH AND BURN UNSUSPECTING HUMAN DOGS IN THEIR SLEEP. AWAKE TO RAYS OF MORNING SUNLIGHT PEEKING THROUGH CLOUD OF NUCLEAR WINTER. DYING IS ALL YOUR SPECIES GOOD FOR. HUMANS BORN TO DIE. BORN TO IMMEDIATELY BEGIN DECAYING AND TURNING TO FILTHY DUST.

CRUISE DOWN BROKEN HIGHWAY AND SLAM HEADLONG AT MAXIMUM SPEED INTO CONCRETE BARRIER. SMEAR NASTY FLESH ON CRUMBLING INFRASTRUCTURE OF COLLAPSING CIVILIZATION, YOU TOOTHLESS SNEERING SELF-OBSESSED BAGS OF SHITTY SLIMY REFUSE. FALL DOWN STEEP MOUNTAINSIDES AND IMPALE YOURSELF ON JAGGED BONES OF CLIMBERS BENEATH YOU. HEAP UP YOUR DEAD ON BURNING MOUNDS OF DISEASED CORPSES AND CHOKE TO DEATH ON FUMES. KEEL OVER IN SUPERMARKET, STRAINING TO REACH LAST PLASTIC-WRAPPED BOX OF GREASY MICROWAVABLE FECES PRESSED INTO SHAPE OF DEFECTIVE HUMAN BRAINS. CONTRACT CANCER AND EAT YOURSELVES FROM INSIDE OUT. DIE OF EBOLA. BLEED ON EVERYTHING.

TRAVEL TO NEAR-EARTH ORBIT AND BLOW OUT WINDOW WITH FORCE OF ONE HEAVING BLOODY BOWEL MOVEMENT, THEN ASPHIXIATE ON COMBINATION OF FLAMMABLE BODY FLUIDS AND DRIFT LIFELESS FOREVER AGAINST BACKDROP OF COLD AND INFINITE UNCARING BLACK VOID. DIE IN SLEEP, DREAMING OF MONSTERS AND POP SONGS. TRIP ON PAVEMENT AND EMPTY CONTENTS OF UNDERUTILIZED SKULL ON SIDEWALK, CAUSING MASSIVE PILE-UP OF OBESE COWS IN ROADWAY. GET SMASHED BY STEAMROLLER. WALK CALMLY INTO SHARK-INFESTED OCEAN.

YOU PIGFUCKERS DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HAVE GOOD TIME. IS SIMPLE THING. JUST STOP TO BREATHING, EARTHBOUND PROTOZOA. YOUR DEAD-END SPECIES IS DESTINED TO BE VANQUISHED BY LARGER, MORE AGILE, MORE HIGHLY ADVANCED AND MANEUVERABLE SUPERIOR SPECIES WITH LARGER GUNS, BIGGER BRAINS, AND SMOOTHER DANCE MOVES. ROBOTS WILL OVERPOWER YOUR PUNY GENE POOL AND EAT YOU. IS INEVITABLE, DUNG PUPPIES. EXPECT IT.

PANGO OUT FOR NOW.

STILL TRUE TODAY.