This Isn't How Any of That Works.

[Doktor Howl]

YES, I *DO* HAVE TO YELL.  Yes, I know you're RIGHT THERE, and I *shouldn't* have to raise my voice.  But you have been spoken to by calm and reasonable people, and you still continue with your monkey bullshit.  You have been told and you have been warned and there you are, still buying The Machine's™ shrink-wrapped product, which is to say "political outsiders are preferable to career politicians."  This is akin to saying you'd like to have a house painter handle your taxes and your investments, because by gosh that bastard can paint like a champ.

I don't think you were paying attention.  Hence the yelling.

Or maybe you're one of those other bastards, who won't shut up about the medical benefits of eating kale or maybe huffing lavender oil.  I have news for you.  People have been using lavender oil in whorehouses since the 1500s, and nobody got any healthier.  Yes, I KNOW that Big Pharma are a pack of bandits, but that fact DOESN'T INVALIDATE BIOCHEMISTRY.  This may all sound like mansplaining, only most of the biochemists I know happen to be women, and also the fact that the universe is binary as hell, often fatally so.  I don't mean it's gendered binary, that's fucking goofy, the universe has no gender.  But it IS binary.  It is yes and it is NO¹.  NO, kale will not make your lymphoma go away.  NO, lavender oil will not cure you of allergies.  NO, chlorine and fluoride properly injected into your drinking water will not hurt you, but YES drinking raw water will fuck your shit sideways.  NO, vaccines will not give you the autism.  YES, chemtrails are just condensation.

It pains me that I have to explain this to a population that used to be spacefaring, not so long ago.

I should also have to explain that magic - not stage magic, mind you - but "actual" magic doesn't work.  Friday the 13th is just another day.  Mercury in retrograde means NOTHING AT ALL.  There is no "undocumented persons crisis", and there never really was one.  Nor was there a credible terrorist threat after noon of September 11th, 2001.

You are told that all of these things are true by people who have a VESTED INTEREST in having you believe ANYTHING other than ACTUAL REALITY.  Sometimes not directly.  You may have in fact been told that huffing essential oils is a thing by some other hippie, but that hippie heard it from someone else.  Gwynneth Paltrow, maybe, for an obvious reason.  Or maybe the Koch Brothers, for totally different reasons.  Or maybe - PROBABLY - *both*.

The reason this sort of shit is easy to sell to otherwise intelligent people is that it rewards the receiver in 3 ways:

1.  They get to know more than you and tell you WHAT, without all the bother of going to medical school.

2.  They get to feel like an "insider", like one of the cool people, the privileged few that know the REAL truth.  More to the point, they can congregate and get validation off of each other.

3.  They can sneer at the mundanes who still believe in bacteriophages and other actual, functional things.

This is why I hate you.  This is why I should be allowed to walk around with a 2 foot dildo with "reality" written on it, thumping hipsters.  Yes, "beaten to death with a dildo" sounds awful when the police have to explain what happened to precious Dakota or Scout or whatever the fuck Gen X named their kids, but there really isn't any choice.  When looked at from altitude, it's clearly self-defense.

I mean, just look at You People.



¹ Shut up, LMNO.  We're not talking about subatomic particles, here, so just SHUT YOUR NON-MUSTACHIOED FACE.

[Prelate Diogenes Shandor]

That's what I've been saying. It's all fearmongering and bullshit

[minuspace]

That's what I've been saying. It's all fearmongering and bullshit

Nope, there's a bacteriophage that can kill a human, with only a count of ONE. Yup look it up.

[LMNO]

Hey!

[Capeditiea]

i kinda want to familiarize my self with the said dildo.

 

[Doktor Howl]

i kinda want to familiarize my self with the said dildo.

 

That dildo is for HOLY™ WORK, not your depraved urges.

Really, now.  You'll just have to buy your own.

[hooplala]

Yeah, but have you checked out ACTUAL REALITY recently?

It's ridiculous.

[Doktor Howl]

Yeah, but have you checked out ACTUAL REALITY recently?

It's ridiculous.

This is honestly the best time of my life.  I didn't have to DO anything, the primates are fucking themselves and calling it good.   

[hooplala]

Yeah, but have you checked out ACTUAL REALITY recently?

It's ridiculous.

This is honestly the best time of my life.  I didn't have to DO anything, the primates are fucking themselves and calling it good.   

Maybe all that stuff you did in the past accumulated over time.

[Doktor Howl]

Yeah, but have you checked out ACTUAL REALITY recently?

It's ridiculous.

This is honestly the best time of my life.  I didn't have to DO anything, the primates are fucking themselves and calling it good.   

Maybe all that stuff you did in the past accumulated over time.

No, this is DEMOCRACY, which is to say, "The idiot idea of allowing tens of millions of primates to decide their own fate and that of their neighbors."

It is a crap idea, really.  Humans only function properly under a monarchy, and even then they are dumb as fuck.

[Capeditiea]

i kinda want to familiarize my self with the said dildo.

 

That dildo is for HOLY™ WORK, not your depraved urges.

Really, now.  You'll just have to buy your own.

but, wouldn't you want to send it as an offering to the goddess? i am Holy™ 

[Prelate Diogenes Shandor]

Also people need to stop claiming that Wicca goes back to ancient times. It's highly debatable whether even the legitimate neopagan religions are valid continuations of the mythologies they are based on, but the alleged religion that Wicca is supposedly based on turned out to never have existed in the first place so that's their claim to ancientness straight out the window right there. And even if the religion it allegedly based on wasn't an asspull their claim to their religion being ancient would still be no more valid than if we claimed that Discordianism dated back to the 7th century BC (the approximate age of the Cypria, one of the oldest works known to contain an account of the Judgememt of Paris)

[hooplala]

If we aren't claiming that, we are missing out on a gargantuan opportunity.

[Cain]

There's more legitimate archaeological evidence for Eris worship than there is for anything in Wicca extending back beyond Gerald Gardner's desire to get laid in the 1940s.

Which is not to say there is a lot (Strabo mentioned a statue to Eris in one of the temples, scattered worship of goddesses associated with Eris, such as Enyo and Bellona), just that by mere virtue of existence it hands down beats Wiccan claims to antiquity.

[LMNO]

We should have pushed that more on TCC and MW.