Anonymous PM responses, 2018 Edition

[Doktor Howl]

(Note:  Usual rules.  Also, I have not, and will not, respond to any PMs concerning Nigel or any other facet of the Great Seriousness of 2015, so all of you vultures shut up.)

1.  Look, why can't you perverts have NORMAL degenerate fantasies, instead of ones involving LMNO and me and ground beef?  I don't fucking get it.  We are no longer young and pretty.  We wheeze when we walk and we sometimes spring leaks like that asshole Charley did, only not out of that particular orifice.  Mostly.  And no, "Meatbomb" is a lousy name for a porno.  There's no stale wit.  It will never sell.

2.  Okay, let me ask you this:  Precisely how long does word salad stay interesting?  How many times am I expected to snort laughter at the phrase "consult your pineal gland"?  As for the rest of it, most of your posts are like a pizza slicer...All edge, no point.  It's not interesting, and it makes everyone feel kinda weird in a bad way, like if you were at a high class cocktail party and that unfunny asshole from Mad TV showed up and started acting like a profoundly damaged 5 year old.

3.  I wasn't aware there was an Official Discordian™ opinion on Bernie Sanders.  It of course bothers me to no end that I cannot comply with this official position.  I hate Sanders, and I hate his fans.  Wait. Scratch that, I don't actually hate HIM, but I DO hate YOU.  He is a goofy old man who for some reason has become famous; you are a cultist, and in the WRONG cult.  It doesn't matter if you're wrong or right, either, because neither result matters.  They™ own the ball AND the ballpark, and here you are demanding a perfect world or no world at all.  I shit on all of you.  Seriously, it's really hard to put into words how much I hate all of you.  Every last stinking primate.  Oh, Goddammit.

4.  Yes, I know that I am Greyface.  But you don't have to shout it all over the place.  I mean, I don't make fun of your mom...uh, wait.  Scratch that.  I am making fun of her right now.  She makes stupid kids.

5.  I appreciate the offer, but that's not legal in this state and I am no longer that flexible.  You should have seen me back in the day, though.  I could have packed the seats in Tijuana.

6.  You cad.  I feel ever so motivated to give you a right thrashing, I am so very incensed, yet my carpet whisk is bent from the last time and I am not prepared to step up to a baseball bat just yet, as I still harbor some minute hope that you will snap to and allow a gentleman to read his bug pron in peace again. Please give my proposal serious consideration and forestall my alternate plan of pouring lye into your food. Thanks ever so. 

7.  ECH had a kid and is busy, Triple Zero joined some bizarre Norwegian cult, Faust still haunts the place, Cain has been laughing for a year non-stop, LMNO drops in once a week, TGRR died of gout, and I don't feel very well.  We still don't want you to come back.  Because we hate you.  And we hate you because you EARNED that hate.  You WORKED for it.  You went OUT OF YOUR FUCKING WAY to gain it.  But we're just pixels on a screen or something like that, so why do you care?

8.  I agree that I am being unreasonable about Kai and Charley and all those other fuckos.  But I've been unreasonable about them for like FOUR YEARS and suddenly NOW it's worth remarking on?  Jesus H Christ, is this supposed to be old home week or some shit?  Fuck right off with your nonsense.  There are only two possible relationships with Charley...You are his sycophant or you are HIS MOST MORTAL ENEMY EVERRRRRRRRR.  Guess which one I am?  And why is this suddenly coming up again?  Seriously, I feel like I'm having a stroke over here.

9.  Oh, you found me from FB and you're accusing me of plagiarizing myself?  Stealing my own content?  Okay, explain.  This shit I gotta hear.  I mean, yeah, it's cock & repost, but it's MY cock & repost and I can do whatever I like with it.  If it makes you feel less special that the vitriol I dumped on your feet wasn't originally and specifically written for YOU, then please get with ECH to arrange a refund.  He's a reasonable man.

10.  I cannot be held responsible for whatever it is that "Miley Spears" is writing about me over on the subgenius wiki "she" stole.  Hint for the clueless:  Everyone in the "Uncle BadTouch family" IS Arden Uncle BadTouch.  In the pics he himself has published about his "family" (read: cult), there are exactly TWO people portrayed.  Arden the pedo and some homeless ancient beardo.  Everyone you see writing on that wiki is a handle for one crazy dude from Dallas.  Not the good kinda crazy, either.  More like the "there's a bag over your head and you can smell lighter fluid" crazy.  So next time you feel like kicking the door down and demanding answers, check out his "Discordia for Kids" page and just eat a shotgun.  Love & kisses.

[LMNO]

4.  Yes, I know that I am Greyface.  But you don't have to shout it all over the place.  I mean, I don't make fun of your mom...uh, wait.  Scratch that.  I am making fun of her right now.  She makes stupid kids.