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My Meeting with LMNO

Started by Doktor Howl, July 27, 2018, 07:23:11 PM

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Doktor Howl

I was having some trouble getting the reforecast to make sense this year.  Nothing seemed to add up, and the board was starting to make ominous rumbling noises.  In the old days I would have just laughed and gone back to work, but everything is different now...So I made the call.

When I arrived, LMNO looked pretty good.  I asked him how he was doing.

"Never mind, Dok, we don't have a lot of time.  I have a one o'clock with the Sultan of Brunei. Open your laptop and let's see what you have."

I sat down and fired up the machine, and opened the excel file.  He gazed at it for a few moments.

"I see your problem.  The numbers are right, but you're only looking at them in two dimensions.  Remember back in calc, when they showed you that a line that crosses over itself can still be a function, if it's looked at as a 3-dimensional image?"

"Yeah.  Taylor polynomial shit.  Amazing at first, but they have you run so many it becomes tedious."

"That is to weed out the dilletantes.  People who aren't serious about the language of creation."

"Um..."

He hit pivot table and rendered it in 3D.  Suddenly, all the projections made perfect sense.

"Wow, thanks, LMNO!"

"We're not done yet.  We are now looking at a graph that has 3 axis that are all perpendicular to each other.  That shows you the present and lets you guess at the future.  To SEE the future, we need to add another perpendicular axis."

"You can't.  No further axis are possible."

"Heh.  Zygote."  He added another axis.

Everything, the whole room, outside the windows, I mean everything spun away.  The graph became a shape that my eyes couldn't process, but I KNEW.  In the spaces between the plotted points, the face of Moloch gazed upon me.

"OH, SWEET JESUS, YOU DO WORSHIP MOLOCH!" I gasped.

"Don't be ridiculous," LMNO said, "We don't worship him.  He's just another market force, like Dagon or what used to be Jehovah."

His eyes were bleeding.  So were mine. I could see the absolute ruin predicted by my reforecast, both for the fiscal year, but also for the following 14 trillion years, until all that was displayed was a universe of atoms too far away from each other to interact.

"Don't look that far along the T axis," he said, "There are no deliverables there."

I scrolled 14 trillion years back to the 0 point.  And I saw all of my political enemies' dirty little secrets, the cheap affairs, the sordid betrayals, the petty embezzlements.

"I understand now, LMNO."

"I knew you would," he said, shaking my hand.  "Welcome to the Old Firm.  We're going to do Great Things."

And nobody ever stopped screaming again.
Molon Lube

LMNO

I knew you didn't sign that contract with your own blood.

Doktor Howl

Quote from: LMNO on July 27, 2018, 08:00:14 PM
I knew you didn't sign that contract with your own blood.

This ain't my first BBQ.  I assigned a proxy and brought some of his blood in a magician's fake fingertip.  Never trust a diabetic.

of course, now Kevin is twitching on the floor and doing one of those Gregorian chant things that make the office plants wither right up.  Even the fake ones.

He'd be very proud of his contribution, if he was still in there.
Molon Lube

LMNO

Could you record that on your phone, or something?  That keening is awesome with a trip-hop beat underneath.

Doktor Howl

Quote from: LMNO on July 27, 2018, 08:28:06 PM
Could you record that on your phone, or something?  That keening is awesome with a trip-hop beat underneath.

I can try.  I've been working on not speed-talking.
Molon Lube

Doktor Howl

And I need you to drop this in the middle of it:  "I knew you didn't sign that contract with your own blood."
Molon Lube

minuspace

QuoteWhen the last time you heard a funky diabetic?

LMNO

Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 27, 2018, 10:41:04 PM
Quote from: LMNO on July 27, 2018, 08:28:06 PM
Could you record that on your phone, or something?  That keening is awesome with a trip-hop beat underneath.

I can try.  I've been working on not speed-talking.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 27, 2018, 10:41:48 PM
And I need you to drop this in the middle of it:  "I knew you didn't sign that contract with your own blood."


I was intending to mean the sound of
QuoteKevin is twitching on the floor and doing one of those Gregorian chant things that make the office plants wither right up.  Even the fake ones.
but once I'm finished with QG's lament of the white woman ally, this will happen.

Doktor Howl

Quote from: LMNO on July 30, 2018, 12:52:24 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 27, 2018, 10:41:04 PM
Quote from: LMNO on July 27, 2018, 08:28:06 PM
Could you record that on your phone, or something?  That keening is awesome with a trip-hop beat underneath.

I can try.  I've been working on not speed-talking.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 27, 2018, 10:41:48 PM
And I need you to drop this in the middle of it:  "I knew you didn't sign that contract with your own blood."


I was intending to mean the sound of
QuoteKevin is twitching on the floor and doing one of those Gregorian chant things that make the office plants wither right up.  Even the fake ones.
but once I'm finished with QG's lament of the white woman ally, this will happen.

I know, but since my recent "diagnosis"1 of autism, I don't care.




1It really is a diagnosis.  Only they diagnosed me with ADHD, PTSD (???), and a bunch of other shit from age 7 to now, so I don't pay any attention when they jibber jabber.  They are the things that fall out of my ass when I overdo mole.
Molon Lube