The Age of Eris

[Doktor Howl]

Scientology is all kinda vague and loosey-goosey, you never know which engrams you're gonna clear, But Discordianism is carefully preprogrammed for optimal results, and every time you run it through your brain it leaves exactly the same pattern.  No matter how angry it makes you or how much you scream in agony religious ecstasy.

[Doktor Howl]

If, while viewing PeeDeeDotCom, you shut your computer off entirely, you get a lossless compression of information.

[Doktor Howl]

When reading Cainad's horror stories, you have to either accept that geologists are bad people or that everyone else on the planet are bad people. 

It's like with Cain.  When you read HIS stories, you have to decide whether he is the world's most nightmarish employee and is making it look like his bosses' fault, or you have to accept that he lives in England. 

[Doktor Howl]

Who among us has never disabled the search function?  Who among us has never watched in giddy schadenfreude as people spent 4-5 hours sifting through the sewer that is Apple Talk, looking for a lost gem?  You want to just bring it up as a topic; you cannot.  You can only click past RWN drug threads and the Ghost of Pinealism Past.  You can only seethe in impotent hatred as the grinning Irish bastard chortles and archives everything that matches your search terms.

[hooplala]

And then there's THIS FUCKING GUY:

"If Picasso was such hot stuff, he wouldn't have had to cut his ear off to get famous."
- Baron Von Hoopla critiquing the Mona Lisa, 2007

Prove me wrong!

And peedeedotcom will be sending out a cease and desist letter to the Howl office, it dilutes the brand to allow just any ape slander the name.

[Doktor Howl]

And then there's THIS FUCKING GUY:

"If Picasso was such hot stuff, he wouldn't have had to cut his ear off to get famous."
- Baron Von Hoopla critiquing the Mona Lisa, 2007

Prove me wrong!

And peedeedotcom will be sending out a cease and desist letter to the Howl office, it deletes the brand to allow just any ape slander the name.

The Howl office has a prepackaged "response" fresh from the Good Doktor's office bathroom.  I do not fear lawyers; Guiliani and Cohen have seen to that, and Mueller is BUSY.

[hooplala]

We use Atticus Finch.

[Doktor Howl]

We use Atticus Finch.

WE use Spiro Agnew porn.  Regularly.  We have a special rate with Redtube...So you can see that we are not easily frightened by gentle folks that hardly ever shoot dogs in the street.

[Doktor Howl]

Nattering nabobs, if you know what I mean.  And I think you do.

[Doktor Howl]

And LMNO, well...He was the most tragic victim of Eris.  The old timers remember the Big Gay Cowboy, aka Saturday Night Special, aka Big Mojo.  Sure you do.  He was TEAM VODKA, and his corporate shenanigans were just to pay for TEAM VOKDA.  At first, anyway.  But he found, as I have found, that the levers of power are absolutely fucking fascinating, and before long, he was skipping out on the Gay Bar to tie up financials.  Just once, mind you, and it was tax season.  And then once became twice and twice became...well, you know.

LMNO was last seen on the MBTA, clutching a briefcase to his chest and staring straight ahead.  "I can be anything I want to be."

Which, again, I empathize with, having once stood clutching an M16A1 and screeching "I'm being all I can be" through clenched teeth.  But everyone knows that you're not always a soldier, that you eventually stop being one (or you live in a hell of VFW and American Legion meeting halls), but once the Big Bad grabs you, you're grabbed.  The Machine™ is a Merry Go Round of tits or dicks or whatnot, moving at hundreds of miles per hour, and clinging to the nipples are the Money Men, with nobody pulling maintenance.   2007 was the best case scenario of how that works out.  LMNO may be the WORST case scenario of how it WILL work out.

[hooplala]

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: it's not easy having a good time.

[Doktor Howl]

I'm so alone.

[hooplala]

Girl, it is Friday afternoon and I am on a subway train. Sorry for failing your test.

[Doktor Howl]

Girl, it is Friday afternoon and I am on a subway train. Sorry for failing your test.

What test?

I just miss LMNO's fabulousness. 

Sometimes, it's almost like he's still here.

[Doktor Howl]

Also, YOU may be in one of those reality-warping tunnel thingies, but I am sitting at a desk watching security footage of my guys fucking the dog.  Figuratively speaking.  Maybe.