I had the realization today that when big things happen to me, good or bad, I change as a person. The personality I present shifts, often dramatically.
For most people, this is a “duh” thing, but I have the kind of damage that leads to multiple people living in your brainmeat. Big change in people with that sort of issue tends to manifest in splitting, their own personalities (as opposed to their personae) change much more slowly as a general rule.
So it is surprising to me to realize that I don’t recognize myself in my past. Even my recent past. I’ve come further, faster, than had seemed possible. That’s not to say I think my past self was unsalvageable, but rather that my past self was fucked. Age 40, maybe start keeping my shit together a little kind of fucked. Progress possible... eventually.
All of this is to note that I’m out of my probationary period at my company and expectations have been set. I was told that if I want a position, I can and will get it, when rather than if. They will bend over backwards to make time for me. And that I’m the highest performing new hire in over four years, and one of the top performing employees in the entire company.
It’s weird to realize that I, the most blatantly self-critical person I personally know the self-critique habits of, took that news not with an attempt to downplay my ability but with a “yeah, I know” sort of confidence, and an eagerness to get down to business on climbing my way through the company. Hence this whole thing. I am not who I was, and that is both particularly weird for me and apparently a good thing.
Some day I intend to write up an exhaustive list of changes I’ve made, not for a post here but as a sort of reminder that despite my damage, I can be functional, I can improve.
