Star Trek 40 Ounce on repeat

[Doktor Howl]

Some of these were movie rants I bastardized, some were original.  I am writing them until the Star Trek watch party page gets back to Star Trek and stops playing Goddamn Cowboy Bebop.

Anyways:

Okay. Here's the deal.

I'm not here to waste your time. I hope you're not here to waste mine.

So I'm gonna keep this short.

If you become an member of this crew, you will kill your first cardassian within three days.

Okay? I repeat that:

You will kill your first cardassian within 3 days of your first day on Deep Space 9.

There is no question whether or not you'll become a soldier here.

The only question is how many times you'll do it.

You think I'm joking?
I am not joking.

I am blob security chief. It's a weird thing to hear, right?

I'll tell ya. It's a weird thing to say.

I am a fucking blob security chief.

And guess how old I am? Two thousand years old.

You know what that makes me here?
A fuckin' blob.

This base is entirely comprised of people your age, not mine.

Lucky for me, I'm very fucking good at my job, or I'd be out of one.

You guys are the new blood. You're gonna go home with the Cardassian pelts.

You are the future big swinging dicks of this base.

Now, you all look battle hungry, and that's good.

Anybody tells you violence is the root of all evil doesn't fuckin' know about Kevin.

They say violence can't make you feel better? Look at the fuckin' smile on my face.

Ear to ear, baby. You want details? Fine.

My backpack's got jets.

What's up? I have ridiculous quarters in the center.

I have every weapon you could imagine, and best of all, kids...

I am liquid. I am a blob.

So, now you know what's possible. Let me tell you what's required.

You are required to work your fucking ass off on this base.

We want winners here, not pikers. A piker walks at the bell.

A piker asks how much vacation you get in the first year. Vacation?

People come and work at this base for one reason: to kill Cardassians.

We're not here to make friends. We're not savin' the Federation, guys.

You want vacation time?
Go teach third grade, public school.

Okay. The first three months at the base are as a trainee.

You make a tenth of a bar of pressed lantinum a week.

After you're done training, you take the shuttle out.

Pass that, you become junior gunnery and you open comms for your team leader.

You kill 5 Cardassians, you start workin' for yourself. Sky's the limit.

Word about being a trainee.

Friends, parents, other security team members, they're gonna give you shit.

It's true. Less than a bar of pressed latinum a week? Not a lot of money.

Pay them no mind.

You need to learn this business, and this is the time to do it.

Once you pass the test, none of that's gonna matter.

Your friends are shit.

Tell them you killed 20 Cardassians last month, they won't fucking believe you.

Fuck them! Fuck 'em!

Parents don't like the life you lead?
"Fuck you, Mom and Dad."

See how it feels when you're bombing their colony.

Now, go home and think about it.
Think about whether it's really for you.

If you decide it isn't... It's nothing to be embarrassed about.

It's not for everyone.
Thanks.

But if you really want this...

you call me on Monday and we'll talk.

Just don't waste my fuckin' time.

Okay. That's it.

Well, you know, I have to admit that I appreciate your directness, Chakotay, and I will try to be as direct and honest with you as I possibly can be. I think-no, I am positive-that you are the most unattractive man I have ever met in my entire life. You know, in the short time we've been together you have demonstrated every loathsome characteristic of the male personality and even discovered a few new ones. You are physically repulsive, intellectually retarded, you're morally reprehensible, vulgar, insensitive, selfish, stupid, you have no taste, a lousy sense of humor, and you smell. You're not even interesting enough to make me sick."
- Captain Janeway, balls-deep in a bottle of scotch

[Doktor Howl]

Confession? Picard was my hero. I can say that, right? I was just a kid. My Dad was outta the picture. And that's when I saw The Fleet. Cruisers. Frigates. Destroyers. Even a Battleship. And I saw Picard. Rest of 'em weren't fit to hold his jock. And after the Beta Quadrant? Pffft.

I modeled my life after Picard's. Then just like that, it ended. My sis brought home a holo of Picard's latest action. I sat and watched my hero go on the holo deck. And play the damn recorder (snaps out of it) You imagine what that was like? I felt dirty. Never has a man who kicked so much ass... sucked... so much ass. (angry far-off stare) I never forgave the son-of-a-bitch.

"No. Keep it. It's perfect for you. I never understood why they are so damn happy anyway. So happy about a slab of animal...protein in that shade of pink- that should come with a warning label. But I guess they smile because that is their future. Your future. Just like your humans- These horrible humans. Turning around in their nice, shiny glass ships... But tasting like ashes in my mouth. Have you ever seen a real primate from a proper world? It's not pink. It's actually beautiful. Who makes these humans? Who makes them? What are they really? Shit. Bright, fake-colored shit. Made by no one. Eaten by no one with taste... You don't even know where they come from... Do you? You don't even know that."

"This was at the worst of the dominion incursion, you understand. We were being driven back along every front. Deep Space 9 was lost, the wormhole was lost...Hell, they were within striking distance of Earth, with only the 3rd fleet in their way...But we were holding the line, giving up every meter grudgingly.

And then the Americans came. They were loud. They yelled at us. They said "PWNT, NOOB" and "GIT GUD" and "HEY DOMINION WE R IN UR BASE KILLING UR DUDES."

I hated them. I still hate them. I hate them so much, my dick is hard."
- Captain Sisko (retired)

[Doktor Howl]

I'm Hamish. This here is Kevin. We've been in security for a year. A year. What, kiddo, is the average life expectancy in a red shirt? A WEEK. One. Fucking. Week. You see the captain, yeah, that prick. Getting his dick wet in some green piece with antenna on her damn head.

You try, you little shit, you TRY even TALKING to one of those girls down on G deck. They'll have you in the brig. Why? Because you're a dead man walking, and what young woman in Starfleet wants to date a walking corpse? No. You are not getting laid. Not in this lifetime.

So what you do, see, you wait until Scotty gets juiced on coolant, then you sneak in the transporter room and have your dick transported forward 5 mm, then back. Loop that program. That'll get you off. Go. Go give it a try.

*redshirt leaves*

"Why you staring at me that way, Kevin? You know he won't be here next week and he ain't getting laid THIS week, so he didn't need that thing in the first place. And God knows where the fucking thing will wind up. Could be funny.

Documentary

Captain Sisko: "You get really bored up here, you know."

Miles O'Brien: "Damn right you do. Not a damn thing to do since we got the place fixed up."

Captain Sisko: "And then one day, Bashir gets this crazy idea."

*everyone laughs, Bashir has a distressed look on his face*

O'Brien: "Julian here says 'We could get Odo high and convince him he's Jayne Mansfield.' So we did."

Interviewer: "How did that work out?"

Sisko: "Odo got right into it. Bashir is going to town on him, and then and then...."

Odo: "And then I revealed the fact that Earth drugs don't work on me."

Sisko: "Boy, was Bashir freaked out! Because Odo kept going. Julian tried to crawl away, but Odo grabbed him and hauled him back and and and..."

O'Brien: "AND HE KEPT TALKING IN MAYNSFIELDS VOICE, even though he looked like Odo again."

Interviewer: "But wasn't that rape? That's horrible."

Sisko: "In Odo's race, that's courting. And since Julian initiated it, he was honor-bound to marry Odo."

Bashir: *begins to sob*

Odo: *maynsfield voice* "Come along, Julian." (They leave, Bashir still sobbing.)

Interviewer: "This is SICK."

Sisko: "Like I said, we get bored. I'm bored right now."

Interviewer: "Um, I gotta go...um...Shot with Quark..."

Interview ends.

It's like this. A dead plaintiff is rarely worth as much as a living, severely maimed plaintiff. Captain Pike here is what we in the business call a "gold mine." Ain't that right, Captain?"

"BEEP"

"The odds of a plaintiff's lawyer winning in civil court are two to one against. Think about that for a second. Your odds of surviving a game of Russian roulette are better than winning a case at trial. Twelve times better. So why does anyone do it? They don't. They settle. Out of the 780,000 cases filed each year, only 12,000, or one and a half percent, ever reach a verdict. The whole idea of lawsuits is to settle, to compel the other side to settle. And you do that by spending more money than you should, which forces them to spend more money than they should, and whoever comes to their senses first, loses.

Trials are a corruption of the entire process, and only fools with something to prove, end up ensnared in them. And when I say prove, I don't mean about the case. I mean about themselves...Or, in the Captain's case, what's left of themselves."

"BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP"

"Look, Captain, I don't expect you to be happy about how your case turned out, but tell me I'm lying about this guy."

"Beep"

"Yeah, that's what I thought."

"You haven't seen the alpha quadrant situation yet. I was you once, Wesley. I started down this road, though nowhere near as far as you are. They tried to kill me. I didn't tell you that part. My shuttle engines failed. Brand new shuttle. Imagine that.

Then they saw I wasn't going to stop, so they 'controversialized' me. Do you have any idea what I'm talking about? They turn you into the story. You have a history of schizophrenia, you're a liar, you're a killer, you snort raw dylithium, you fuck around on your wife, you're a drug dealer. It doesn't matter if none of it's true. The point is no one remembers what you found, they just remember you, and you're nuts. You cease to exist.

They edited my testimony, Wesley. They cut the tape and rearrange it, and have me say any old thing they want. But this is why I called. I wanted to tell you something my father told me. He was an attack shuttle pilot, and when things got ugly for me he reminded me that you get the most flak when you're right over the target. That's when they empty all their guns into you. Just remember you're not alone. I just wanted to share that with you. You hang in there, Wesley. You don't listen to any admirals or counselors. You always remember who they work for kid. That's right. They sure as fuck don't work for you. They catch me, I'm dead. They catch you, YOU'RE dead. Don't ever forget that."
- Last recorded words of Geordie LaForge prior to his disappearance.

[Doktor Howl]

"Ignore that nightmare in the holodeck. Just another ugly refugee from the original series, some doom-struck Scots gimp who couldn't handle the pressure. Riker has never been able to accept the notion—often espoused by reformed holodeck users and especially popular among those on probation—that you can get a lot more sex without holodecks than with them. And neither have I, for that matter."
- Jean Luc Picard, "Fear and Loathing in Alpha Quadrant"

Let me have your attention for a moment! So you're talking about what? You're talking about - bitchin' about that Klingon you shot, some son of a bitch don't want to act right, somebody don't want what you're sellin', some broad you're trying to screw and so forth. Let's talk about something important. Are they all here?...Well, I'm going anyway. Let's talk about something important! Put that coffee down!! Coffee's for closers only. Do you think I'm fuckin' with you? I am not fuckin' with you. I'm here from downtown. I'm here from Star Fleet. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. Your name's Sisko?...You call yourself a Captain, you son of a bitch?

Sisko: "I don't got to listen to this shit."

You certainly don't, pal. 'Cause the good news is - you're fired. The bad news is - you've got, all of you got, just one week to regain your rank, starting with tonight. Starting with tonight's episode. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to this month's contest. As you all know, first prize is a shuttle craft. Anybody want to see second prize? Second prize's a bat'leth. Third prize is you're fired. You get the picture? You laughing now? You got phasers. Star Fleet paid good money. Get their ships to blow them the fuck up You can't close the battles you're given, you can't fight for shit, you are shit. Hit the transporter, pal, and beat it 'cause you are going out!...

[Doktor Howl]

Yeah, kid, I know you came all the way down here looking for Faith of the Heart. I did when I was your age, too.

Only Faith of the Heart is hard to come by. When the chain dogs took Kevin and Rella down, the supply got cut off. Anybody who's still sitting on any isn't selling.

But look, kid, we have some Cowboy Bebop here. Prices? Rock bottom. It's not even stepped on, and I can give you 6 hits for a pressed bar of...for $20. Don't worry about what you think I almost said. $20 and it's almost the same as TNG or DS9. Almost.

Good. Here ya go. Later.

Kids these days.

[Cain]

I only joined Starfleet for two reasons, my love of mid-20th century earth culture and big booty Vulcans 

[Doktor Howl]

Well, here's the thing: Geordi couldn't handle the stress. You want to make it big in this business, you don't sit and cry about the mortgage on your electronic eyeballs.

You. Get that. Money.

Pressed bars of latinum. Bags of dilithium. Whatever. You look at Scotty, he had that fat ride. Castle in Scotland. Banging rails off a waitress's ass in the VIP room of whatever shitbag pub they had in Aberdeen.

Geordi, he's still humping it in engineering on some tub in Star Fleet.

Loser.

[Fujikoma]

I like this, that's all I'll say so no chance of derail.