Things I expect on a date.

[Fujikoma]

I expect you to hold the door open, to pull out my chair, and to pay the tab. Why? I'm not even that cute, but I expect these things because I want you to show me you're not a fucking savage idiot. It doesn't matter if you have mammary glands or a penis. You are a human being, if we are on a date, it is because you wanted this, so ok, show it in the follow-through. If you're not, roughly %1 of the population who just happen to be the most awesome, then chances are, I did not pursue you to this point, so show some fucking class.

If you want to get laid, the formula is simple, bring me booze. If you stop bringing me booze, I will find someone else who is more talented in the booze-bringing department. I may like you, but you are not irreplaceable. You may have the perkiest buns, but, I like all buns, not just the perky ones, so either work for it or, get lost. I can make these demands, I'm good at what I do. I deserve to be compensated for my time. If I am not compensated by you, then it will be someone else doing your job, which basically means, you're fired.

I will not tolerate being called a "bitch", I will also not tolerate anyone using the word "faggot". If this seems harsh, look in the mirror and really consider what you're saying. I will let you touch me, I will do things you didn't think were possible. I will turn a gay man straight, and not feel the slightest bit bad about it, this is all normal. I can be your best friend, just don't forget I don't work for free... unless you're one of the most awesome pieces of shit in the universe, who, well, they typically don't have money.

What I expect, is for someone who approaches /me/ to know that, I hold the cards. I didn't opt for this, but I can be down for it, given the right motivation. There are many things I'm willing to do, many rules and taboos I'm willing to break, but this shit ain't free, I don't like you that much. There's not a rule that says I have to like you. I might be submissive, but if you don't pay my bridge tax, find another bridge. This troll gotta eat. I'm not special, I'm no genius, but I know how to tickle people inside and out. This is what you are paying for. Don't fucking forget it.

Ok, somebody else come up with more horrifying bullshit, I'm tapped out.

[Fujikoma]

Wow, meant to say, turn a straight man gay, I don't think it bends that other way. The things you learn by narcissticly reading your own posts repeatedly.

[Pergamos]

I'm sure it works both ways if it works any, but as someone with a male body you may have a harder time turning a gay man straight than vice versa.

[Fujikoma]

Yeah, yeah, I caught that, I'm a male too and I don't think you can actually un-gay a dude.

EDIT: I'm sure it isn't possible, I've had bosses who grew up in the church, went to those straight camps, had like seven or eight children, and, newp, dude is gay. That's just how it is.

[Al Qədic]

I'm sure it works both ways if it works any, but as someone with a male body you may have a harder time turning a gay man straight than vice versa.

But what if he's just that fabulous?

[Fujikoma]

Gawd, this is what I get for stream of consciousness typing, I deserved it though.

EDIT: Someone else post some unreasonable shit so I don't feel quite as bad for being an utter shit-stain.

[Doktor Howl]

Gawd, this is what I get for stream of consciousness typing, I deserved it though.

EDIT: Someone else post some unreasonable shit so I don't feel quite as bad for being an utter shit-stain.

Fuck no. It's YOUR turn in the barrel.   

[Fujikoma]

NOOO, not the barrel, for real, someone else post because I don't want to find out what the "barrel" is.

[Al Qədic]

NOOO, not the barrel, for real, someone else post because I don't want to find out what the "barrel" is.

Well, if the Dok puts you in it with some brine and vegetables, I'd say you're really in a pickle. 

[Fujikoma]

At least I'm not bacon, yeah? Did you know pigs don't sweat?

[altered]

Did you know horses sweat foam?

[Al Qədic]

At least I'm not bacon, yeah? Did you know pigs don't sweat?

I did~
Didja know platypii sweat milk because they live sad, confused, nipple-less lives?

[altered]

Animal sweat is a horrible slide down a hole of madness.

[The Johnny]

Did you know horses sweat foam?

 

[Fujikoma]

Animal sweat is a horrible slide down a hole of madness.

This is not the kind of pillow-talk I'd hoped for...