Someone put a notice on the employee bulletin board. They probably intended it to be motivational. I had thoughts. I'm just posting them here to get them out of my head. Don't expect to be entertained.
11 Commandments for an Enthusiastic Team
There are at least four things wrong with that title.
1. Help each other be right, not wrong.
What the hell is that supposed to mean? Am I supposed to alter reality around someone so their mistakes aren't mistakes any more?
Software guys say "fail faster".
Hardware guys say "I screwed up somewhere. I need another pair of eyes on this."
We know we're often wrong. If our egos were so fragile that we couldn't handle being wrong, we wouldn't be able to survive in this job. Fighting the laws of physics is always adversarial.
2. Look for ways to make new ideas work, not for reasons why they won't.
Can you help me with my free energy machine?
3. If in doubt, check it out! Don't make negative assumptions about each other.
Engineer A: From checking your work, I've come to suspect you are an idiot. But I thought I'd check in person. I don't want to make assumptions.
Engineer B: Well, duh. Of course I'm an idiot. I'd have to be, to work
here.
A: Yeah, that's what I thought.
B: You work here, too.
A: ...shit.
4. Help each other win and take pride in each other's victories.
When business development started talking about a certain new project, I laughed to myself, and thought "It's a good thing no potential customer is dumb enough to sign a contract for one of these. We have nowhere near the manpower or organizational capacity needed to execute this."
I was half right. We won the contract, and are now into our third year of sunk cost fallacy.
5. Speak positively about each other and about your organization at every opportunity.
I'm pretty sure that kind of blatant dishonesty would be in violation of that ethics certification I signed without reading.
6. Maintain a positive mental attitude, no matter what the circumstances.
One of my co-workers is looking at pornographic webcomics.
7. Act with initiative and courage, as if it all depends on you.
It all
does depend on me. You're desperately short on manpower, so you moved the other logic developers off my project, and onto projects that were even more short-staffed. At least you've stopped complaining about how I don't like to delegate.
Each time I try to show initiative I get overruled by the marketing weasel. Now, I just make sure the shotgun he has aimed at his foot is always loaded and in good working order.
8. Do everything with enthusiasm -- it's contagious!
The secret to enthusiasm is...enthusiasm? Holy tautology, Batman!
9. Whatever you want -- give it away.
At my
whining prodding, the department purchased a set of new high-current bench power supplies; one of them was assigned to me.
Someone asked to borrow it for a couple weeks, and I acquiesced. When I went to get it back over a month later, it had become a
permanent fixture in a manufacturing test rig.
A few years later, a co-worker went on maternity leave, and bequeathed me a replacement unit. If you want to borrow it, come to the disused loading dock at sunrise. I'll be perched on the antenna tower with a crossbow.
10. Don't lose faith -- never give up.
Fuck you. Have you seen the faces of anyone on project D? Or project R? That's stress-induced depression. You signed them up for way more work than they could handle, and they're suffering for it.
I'm okay, but that's only because I'm quite, quite mad.
11. Have Fun!
I am. I mean, come on. I'm getting my brain challenged, and I get to watch everything around me burn! I'd do this for
free.
