Open Bar: Subpoenaed by Congress, but still refusing to testify

Started by altered, November 21, 2019, 05:11:04 AM

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Juana

#630
March 13, 2020, 11:41:11 PM
Yaaay Altered!!!

Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on March 13, 2020, 11:01:25 PM
Quote from: altered on March 13, 2020, 09:51:12 PM
I'm excited for me too!
Huzzah!

Quote
Shitty roommate named her new houseplant Eris to get even with me (she knew I was a Discordian and probably thought I was fully woo-cordian and would be offended).
It would be weird if you were to pray to the plant, and give it tiny offerings of compost.

Houseplants are usually planted in potting soil, which is already very high in organic matter; this makes compost a gift of questionable utility.  A better offering would be some nice silt, perhaps with a little clay mixed in (err on the sandy side if Eris is a cactus).  Eris might also enjoy some nitrogen fertilizer.

When praying to Eris, try to avoid making eye contact with meristematic tissue.


DO IT
"I dispose of obsolete meat machines.  Not because I hate them (I do) and not because they deserve it (they do), but because they are in the way and those older ones don't meet emissions codes.  They emit too much.  You don't like them and I don't like them, so spare me the hysteria."

altered

#631
March 14, 2020, 12:41:44 AM
The houseplant is kept out of reach, so this is a less than useful approach.

Fortunately, it also seems entirely unnecessary. Odd happenings are the new normal here.
"I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me."

There's over 100 of us in this meat-suit. You'd think it runs like a ship, but it's more like a hundred and ten angry ghosts having an old-school QuakeWorld tournament, three people desperately trying to make sure the gamers don't go hungry or soil themselves, and the Facilities manager weeping in the corner as the garbage piles high.

altered

#632
March 14, 2020, 02:24:37 AM
In other news, I was hungry and my friend was hungry and we have a passive aggressive thing going on where we don't use dishes because we get blamed for them being ABSOLUTELY FILTHY.

So we go to order the cheapest dinner possible: 7-11 pizza. That's 14 bucks for two large pizzas. It's a steal and is surprisingly good pizza.

And 7-11's delivery app is totally down.

There is this amazing Indian place in the area that makes HEAVENLY butter chicken curry, huge parathas, and feeds two people twice for 12 dollars. We figured they'd be stomped due to COVID, but decided to check. Not only are they not stomped, they're having a sale.

It's hard to express just how much food a paratha full of curry and rice, wrapped like a burrito, actually is. It weighs about as much as an average human infant, and requires an entire kitchen counter to assemble.

Meanwhile, shitty roommates are out of food, vegan so they can't eat our food, and munching on mini donuts. Glaring while we eat like imperial royalty.
"I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me."

There's over 100 of us in this meat-suit. You'd think it runs like a ship, but it's more like a hundred and ten angry ghosts having an old-school QuakeWorld tournament, three people desperately trying to make sure the gamers don't go hungry or soil themselves, and the Facilities manager weeping in the corner as the garbage piles high.

Cramulus

#633
March 14, 2020, 11:41:09 AM
daaaamn, you're making me hungry



You're gonna need to placate the Eris plant. You could do that with some ground beef, like a venus fly trap. Or you could put a little Kallisti apple in the soil with it. Or blood. "Feed me, Seymore". Tell your roommate that the Internet Discordians said this would end the curse. Then, don't do any of it. Then, just straight up smash a dish on the floor.

Cain

#634
March 14, 2020, 06:17:04 PM
So, my family did a genealogy DNA test thingy. Some things were pretty expected with the results, but there were a few surprises:

QuoteIrish Scots & Welsh            = 41%
English                            =25.7%
Scandinavian                    = 24.8%
Balkan                             = 7.4%
Greek/South Italian           = 1.3%
West Asian (Turkey/Iran)   = 0.5%

Ironically, against everything that is supposedly the case in our family history, my mother's side has almost no English blood whatsoever, and a large amount of both Scandinavian and Scots/Irish ancestery. My father's side, which has always maintained it had Irish/Scots roots is, on the other hand, overwhelmingly English in origin, though with some Balkan roots as well.

Junkenstein

#635
March 14, 2020, 06:58:46 PM
As I understand it, such tests are supposed to lead to immediate drama with long lost siblings, surprise bigamy and irreparable family strife. Is yours defective?
Nine naked Men just walking down the road will cause a heap of trouble for all concerned.

altered

#636
March 14, 2020, 10:09:38 PM
 :lulz: I find these tests funny. All the drama I've gotten from them in my family has been to my benefit in the long run, while they break down into ever more intense tirades at each other.



In other news, Eris is not long for this world. Low temperatures and insufficient sunlight are murdering her, and I have begun mourning her coming death by listening to slam death metal at 2AM while packing my stuff.

Relatedly, I don't know if they've begun to recognize why the cats are crowding around me and hissing at them yet. (These cats love me and love my music more and love my hidden cat treats most of all. Everyday, a hungry kitty mosh pit.)

Oh, and I was gifted a box of sugar free gum. So I also don't know what they're going to do when their toilet backs up.

C'est la vie, you know?
"I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me."

There's over 100 of us in this meat-suit. You'd think it runs like a ship, but it's more like a hundred and ten angry ghosts having an old-school QuakeWorld tournament, three people desperately trying to make sure the gamers don't go hungry or soil themselves, and the Facilities manager weeping in the corner as the garbage piles high.

Cain

#637
March 15, 2020, 12:57:44 PM
All my family drama is preexisting and quite indepth (up to and including trying to kill my grandmother) so fortunately there is no need for drama here.

chaotic neutral observer

#638
March 15, 2020, 04:07:42 PM
Quote from: altered on March 14, 2020, 10:09:38 PM
In other news, Eris is not long for this world. Low temperatures and insufficient sunlight are murdering her, and I have begun mourning her coming death by listening to slam death metal at 2AM while packing my stuff.
This makes me angry.  Keeping houseplants alive takes little skill, and very little effort.  What kind of person names their houseplants, anyway?  The kind of person who thinks good intentions and positive emotions matters more than spending five seconds a day checking on the damn thing?

Quote
Relatedly, I don't know if they've begun to recognize why the cats are crowding around me and hissing at them yet. (These cats love me and love my music more and love my hidden cat treats most of all. Everyday, a hungry kitty mosh pit.)
These people shouldn't be allowed to keep cats.  Cats are an order of magnitude higher maintenance than houseplants.  The only thing making it easier is that when a cat gets hungry/unhappy it will make noises at you.

I hope they're okay after you leave.

Quote
Oh, and I was gifted a box of sugar free gum. So I also don't know what they're going to do when their toilet backs up.
I'm sorry.  I don't know what they're going to do, either.  Maybe if they named the toilet, that would help?  They could call it Belphegor.
Desine fata deum flecti sperare precando.

altered

#639
March 15, 2020, 07:44:46 PM
Eris is a weird looking fancy houseplant. I think it just isn't meant to be alive in the winter, let alone on the west side of the building, where almost no light reaches.

The cats have recently had their food switched to some Grain-Free shit with spearmint and lavender extract mixed into it, and they aren't eating it. Good on them, that shit is awful for them. So when I have hidden salmon sticks AND slam death metal, they can't take it. (Cats LOVE pinch harmonics.)

And they wouldn't name the toilet unless it would potentially anger me while being plausibly deniable to everyone else. They're high school bullies, not properly spiteful. So names are out. Not that that would help: They don't even have a plunger.

That will be a terrible, terrible mistake.

I've been SAVING UP.
"I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me."

There's over 100 of us in this meat-suit. You'd think it runs like a ship, but it's more like a hundred and ten angry ghosts having an old-school QuakeWorld tournament, three people desperately trying to make sure the gamers don't go hungry or soil themselves, and the Facilities manager weeping in the corner as the garbage piles high.

Sung Low

#640
March 16, 2020, 06:11:25 PM
hey, why do love you?
The d key has chosen to absent itself

Sung Low

#641
March 16, 2020, 06:16:38 PM
#Because you're another human.
The d key has chosen to absent itself

Cain

#642
March 16, 2020, 06:19:29 PM
No answering your own questions, that's almost as bad as liking your own Facebook posts.

Juana

#643
March 16, 2020, 08:21:55 PM
Quote from: altered on March 15, 2020, 07:44:46 PM
Eris is a weird looking fancy houseplant. I think it just isn't meant to be alive in the winter, let alone on the west side of the building, where almost no light reaches.

The cats have recently had their food switched to some Grain-Free shit with spearmint and lavender extract mixed into it, and they aren't eating it. Good on them, that shit is awful for them. So when I have hidden salmon sticks AND slam death metal, they can't take it. (Cats LOVE pinch harmonics.)

And they wouldn't name the toilet unless it would potentially anger me while being plausibly deniable to everyone else. They're high school bullies, not properly spiteful. So names are out. Not that that would help: They don't even have a plunger.

That will be a terrible, terrible mistake.

I've been SAVING UP.
Save the cats. Take them with you.
"I dispose of obsolete meat machines.  Not because I hate them (I do) and not because they deserve it (they do), but because they are in the way and those older ones don't meet emissions codes.  They emit too much.  You don't like them and I don't like them, so spare me the hysteria."

altered

#644
March 16, 2020, 09:33:32 PM
Quote from: Juana on March 16, 2020, 08:21:55 PM
Quote from: altered on March 15, 2020, 07:44:46 PM
Eris is a weird looking fancy houseplant. I think it just isn't meant to be alive in the winter, let alone on the west side of the building, where almost no light reaches.

The cats have recently had their food switched to some Grain-Free shit with spearmint and lavender extract mixed into it, and they aren't eating it. Good on them, that shit is awful for them. So when I have hidden salmon sticks AND slam death metal, they can't take it. (Cats LOVE pinch harmonics.)

And they wouldn't name the toilet unless it would potentially anger me while being plausibly deniable to everyone else. They're high school bullies, not properly spiteful. So names are out. Not that that would help: They don't even have a plunger.

That will be a terrible, terrible mistake.

I've been SAVING UP.
Save the cats. Take them with you.
I wish I could. I physically cannot. I cannot even take all of my own stuff with me, a large proportion has to stay in Chicago hellhole temporarily (I have a trusted caretaker, do not worry).

Packing is almost complete: I just need to finish doing laundry, pack clothes and blanket, and it's all but completely ready. The very last thing is sealing up an electronic device I cannot fit in another object for safe transit.
"I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me."

There's over 100 of us in this meat-suit. You'd think it runs like a ship, but it's more like a hundred and ten angry ghosts having an old-school QuakeWorld tournament, three people desperately trying to make sure the gamers don't go hungry or soil themselves, and the Facilities manager weeping in the corner as the garbage piles high.
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