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On the Subject of Birds

Started by altered, November 23, 2019, 04:39:37 PM

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altered

November 23, 2019, 04:39:37 PM
My friends, family and random passersby have a lot of different ideas on animal psychology.

They are all fucking wrong.

I have started to educate them, particularly on birds, which are particularly misunderstood. For reasons I cannot fathom, people assume that birds are simply dumb.

This is nonsense.

Birds are malevolent manifestations of a callow, heartless universe. Also, all of them are dead from birth and animated by a symbiotic fungus (this is what we call feathers).

Every bird is born hearing the unhallowed whispers of the Stork of Wrath, a deity and/or artificial intelligence embedded in the laws of probability by a far greater civilization than ours, which predates the Solar System's protoplanetary disk by approximately a billion years.

Birds are also born with an innate moral compass but absolutely no understanding of what it's requests mean.

There are only three types of bird socially: those who listen to the Stork of Wrath and thus hate all things good in this world, those who believe the Stork of Wrath is a counterbalance to their moral compass and thus act on whatever instinctive drive they want more at the time, and the TURACOS. Who are fucking heretics and have never been trustworthy.

Birds are often thought to be warm blooded, but this is a misunderstanding. As I said before, birds are undead. Thus we get the term "worm-blooded", which idiots and assholes have taken as a typo. It is not a typo. Do you not know WHY birds are seen eating those bugs? If their internal ecosystem stagnates, they can't move anymore. Tragically, this often is caused when a bird is smashed by a car, so few people recognize the truth of what they are seeing: self-guided missiles of an extrauniversal alien oligarch, and also undead hollow-boned lizards covered in mold.

Finally, people often ask me about penguins when I explain birds to them.

Penguins are not birds. They are a type of bipedal sea lion.

Thank you.

"I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me."

There's over 100 of us in this meat-suit. You'd think it runs like a ship, but it's more like a hundred and ten angry ghosts having an old-school QuakeWorld tournament, three people desperately trying to make sure the gamers don't go hungry or soil themselves, and the Facilities manager weeping in the corner as the garbage piles high.

altered

#1
November 23, 2019, 05:07:07 PM
AND ANOTHER THING

Humans are all masochists. This can be proven:

We seek out bad signal (fiction), poison (alcohol, some drugs), and do physical, permanent damage to ourselves (piercings, scarification, tattoos) for fun.

We actively take joy in each other's suffering, and are wired to believe that whatever discomfort we are experiencing this moment is the worst pain that has ever happened.

When you look at monkeys, the only real conclusion is that Darwin was wrong and the most successful species is the one who makes time to beat their nuts with a wrench.

This is why birds will be our successors.
"I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me."

There's over 100 of us in this meat-suit. You'd think it runs like a ship, but it's more like a hundred and ten angry ghosts having an old-school QuakeWorld tournament, three people desperately trying to make sure the gamers don't go hungry or soil themselves, and the Facilities manager weeping in the corner as the garbage piles high.

Q. G. Pennyworth

#2
November 23, 2019, 05:14:03 PM
Quote from: nullified on November 23, 2019, 05:07:07 PM
AND ANOTHER THING

Humans are all masochists. This can be proven:

We seek out bad signal (fiction), poison (alcohol, some drugs), and do physical, permanent damage to ourselves (piercings, scarification, tattoos) for fun.

We actively take joy in each other's suffering, and are wired to believe that whatever discomfort we are experiencing this moment is the worst pain that has ever happened.

When you look at monkeys, the only real conclusion is that Darwin was wrong and the most successful species is the one who makes time to beat their nuts with a wrench.

This is why birds will be our successors.

Holy Nonsense this bit? I've been using "Maw of the Void" for your attribution but happy to put down whatever

altered

#3
November 23, 2019, 05:15:10 PM
Maw of the Void works. Have at it!
"I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me."

There's over 100 of us in this meat-suit. You'd think it runs like a ship, but it's more like a hundred and ten angry ghosts having an old-school QuakeWorld tournament, three people desperately trying to make sure the gamers don't go hungry or soil themselves, and the Facilities manager weeping in the corner as the garbage piles high.

Q. G. Pennyworth

#4
November 23, 2019, 09:08:00 PM

altered

#5
November 23, 2019, 10:22:19 PM
Fucking PERFECT.
"I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me."

There's over 100 of us in this meat-suit. You'd think it runs like a ship, but it's more like a hundred and ten angry ghosts having an old-school QuakeWorld tournament, three people desperately trying to make sure the gamers don't go hungry or soil themselves, and the Facilities manager weeping in the corner as the garbage piles high.

altered

#6
November 24, 2019, 02:43:57 AM
I have one coming on about meat, it's going to be horrible
"I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me."

There's over 100 of us in this meat-suit. You'd think it runs like a ship, but it's more like a hundred and ten angry ghosts having an old-school QuakeWorld tournament, three people desperately trying to make sure the gamers don't go hungry or soil themselves, and the Facilities manager weeping in the corner as the garbage piles high.

altered

#7
November 24, 2019, 03:16:14 AM
I was hungry and I was on the bus and I was listening to RAINBOW MEAT by Chat Pile and my god it's so majestic how he

SEND MY BODY TO ARBY'S

It's fucking beautiful man, because I can see it in my mind's eye:

The MEAT PLACE. Red and gooey and screaming in terror in the distance, throbbing, throbbing. I can smell it.

Oh yeah. TAKE ME TO THE MEAT PLACE BABY.

Lay my fleshy carcass on the slab. I want the pig and the goat and the cow and the fffffffffuUCKING MEAT

WHATS THIS BREAD SHIT GIVE ME THE EDIBLE GORE YOU FUCKING BACKWARDS YOKEL FUCKS

MEAT PLACE MEAT PLACE

WHYS THERE BONES THIS AINT THE MEAT PLACE TAKE IT AWAY I WANT TO CHEW

MEAT PLACE MEAT PLACE

GOD BLESS THIS TUB OF SHATTERED MUSCLE

SLATHER ME IN THE LARD

STARS AND STRIPES MORE LIKE MEAT MARTS OF TRIPE

WHYS THERE AIR BURY ME IN BEEF YOU FUCKING SCOUNDRELS

And that's how I know I'm free, you know? SEND MY BODY TO ARBYS, god what an amazing lyricist. He gets it. This is what Uncle Sam wanted. Blood and bile leaking from the hacked up corpse of a non human murder victim. Oh yeah. I can taste it.

MEAT PLACE
"I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me."

There's over 100 of us in this meat-suit. You'd think it runs like a ship, but it's more like a hundred and ten angry ghosts having an old-school QuakeWorld tournament, three people desperately trying to make sure the gamers don't go hungry or soil themselves, and the Facilities manager weeping in the corner as the garbage piles high.

Al Qədic

#8
November 24, 2019, 03:27:36 AM
Quote from: nullified on November 24, 2019, 03:16:14 AM
I was hungry and I was on the bus and I was listening to RAINBOW MEAT by Chat Pile and my god it's so majestic how he

SEND MY BODY TO ARBY'S

It's fucking beautiful man, because I can see it in my mind's eye:

The MEAT PLACE. Red and gooey and screaming in terror in the distance, throbbing, throbbing. I can smell it.

Oh yeah. TAKE ME TO THE MEAT PLACE BABY.

Lay my fleshy carcass on the slab. I want the pig and the goat and the cow and the fffffffffuUCKING MEAT

WHATS THIS BREAD SHIT GIVE ME THE EDIBLE GORE YOU FUCKING BACKWARDS YOKEL FUCKS

MEAT PLACE MEAT PLACE

WHYS THERE BONES THIS AINT THE MEAT PLACE TAKE IT AWAY I WANT TO CHEW

MEAT PLACE MEAT PLACE

GOD BLESS THIS TUB OF SHATTERED MUSCLE

SLATHER ME IN THE LARD

STARS AND STRIPES MORE LIKE MEAT MARTS OF TRIPE

WHYS THERE AIR BURY ME IN BEEF YOU FUCKING SCOUNDRELS

And that's how I know I'm free, you know? SEND MY BODY TO ARBYS, god what an amazing lyricist. He gets it. This is what Uncle Sam wanted. Blood and bile leaking from the hacked up corpse of a non human murder victim. Oh yeah. I can taste it.

MEAT PLACE


You just outdid my intentionally-weird poem about nailing fruit pits to the deck of a hollow ship while a rhapsode waffles about peedee shenanigans and also a giant drill is stuck through the fucking hull while its mechanic talks about the bosses from my favorite childhood video game. You did that just by screaming about Arbys.


I mean, I'm not surprised that you did it. But you did it.


That was neat.
There is no reason to,
Be ashamed of poetry. It,
Is natural. But you should,
Still do it in private,
And wash your hands afterward.

altered

#9
November 24, 2019, 03:32:13 AM
I found a portal somewhere unhallowed in the middle of last month and went on a rampage across multiple discord servers.

Then I rediscovered that portal this past week and decided to follow the advice of dearly departed Richter (he died in my timeline but still speaks to us on the television through infomercials about bloodstain expanders) and go ALL IN.

I don't live where the rest of you do now. I'm tilted about 15 degrees out of sync with "standard reality" and I can peek at all the horrible just around the corner.

The future is now, it is us, and it will chew our legs off.
"I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me."

There's over 100 of us in this meat-suit. You'd think it runs like a ship, but it's more like a hundred and ten angry ghosts having an old-school QuakeWorld tournament, three people desperately trying to make sure the gamers don't go hungry or soil themselves, and the Facilities manager weeping in the corner as the garbage piles high.

altered

#10
November 24, 2019, 03:38:24 AM
And because they'll ask: Richter's infomercial appearances are one part Billy Mays, one part Brian O'Blivion of Videodrome fame (he's real, by the way, and Videodrome was a documentary), one part those crazy pirate TV broadcasts like the Max Headroom thing, and one part YouTube video decoder glitches.

It's some sales drone listlessly repeating the features list, then the background goes fucked and his face distorts out of frame and ITS RICHTER and he excitedly announces the new rules of our nation, which will expire in a week and be replaced by new rules. Then the screen is back to the marketroid mumbling their way through the same five features of General Kidney's Special Spreader, guaranteed to cover every surface of your home in blood or your money back.
"I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me."

There's over 100 of us in this meat-suit. You'd think it runs like a ship, but it's more like a hundred and ten angry ghosts having an old-school QuakeWorld tournament, three people desperately trying to make sure the gamers don't go hungry or soil themselves, and the Facilities manager weeping in the corner as the garbage piles high.

Doktor Howl

#11
November 24, 2019, 03:40:48 AM
Wow.   :eek:
Molon Lube

Doktor Howl

#12
November 24, 2019, 03:42:31 AM
Quote from: Al Qədic on November 24, 2019, 03:27:36 AM

You just outdid my intentionally-weird poem about nailing fruit pits to the deck of a hollow ship while a rhapsode waffles about peedee shenanigans and also a giant drill is stuck through the fucking hull while its mechanic talks about the bosses from my favorite childhood video game. You did that just by screaming about Arbys.



That is because the best weird isn't spagging word salad around, it's taking something that has become normal and de-normalizing it.  Looking at it from an outsider's point of view.
Molon Lube

altered

#13
November 24, 2019, 03:45:47 AM
Alienation is my middle name. Also my last name. My first name is unknown by science, mostly because I change it every day to keep the feds nervous.
"I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me."

There's over 100 of us in this meat-suit. You'd think it runs like a ship, but it's more like a hundred and ten angry ghosts having an old-school QuakeWorld tournament, three people desperately trying to make sure the gamers don't go hungry or soil themselves, and the Facilities manager weeping in the corner as the garbage piles high.

Doktor Howl

#14
November 24, 2019, 03:48:41 AM
Quote from: nullified on November 24, 2019, 03:45:47 AM
Alienation is my middle name. Also my last name. My first name is unknown by science, mostly because I change it every day to keep the feds nervous.

This is where we differ, and why I don't actually consider you as a derivative of me.

You are alienated.  Known that since I've known you.  Me, I want everyone to be alienated.  Really, I'd rather have them launched into orbit butt nekkid, but if I can't have THAT, I want them to jump at their own shadows and throw shit at the teevee.
Molon Lube
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