Notes on Comforting Grief

[Zurtok Khan]

I had an interesting experience today, you see one of my co-workers grandfathers had a stroke.  So, I being the (presumably) kind person I am, went up to her and offered a hug, if it would help.  She told me that everyone was offering her hugs, but that they really didn't help - it wasn't going to change anything for her.

This got me thinking, why do we hug people in situations like this?  Why did I feel the need to do so?  The answer I came up with startled me, but makes sense.  There are two sides to this answer.  The first is that it is an offer of comfort and love to the person who is in a troubling situation.  The second is that it allows us to wash our hands of their grief.

The first is obvious, and I see no need to really talk about it, we all understand it.  The second is almost as obvious, but I think it is harder to understand, mainly because many people would not admit that they are so selfish in these types of situations.  So, why the selfish behavior?  I think it stems from many things.  As I said, part of it is washing our hands of their grief, there isn't anything we can really do, so if we do *something* then we feel better about it, although nothing has changed expect *our* perspective and feeling of obligation to the person loosing a loved one.  The second part of it is that we would like to be comforted in the same way when it happens to us.

Of course, comforting someone does help them, whether or not they realize it.  That is, people need a human touch sometimes, even when they can't admit it to themselves, or anyone else.  Most of the time when we tell everyone we really just want to be alone (at least when it's in extreme anger or sadness) we are really saying, "Don't leave me now."  Even though, we don't even know that's what we want.  But, it always gets better in the end with people.

I suppose that's the problem with being social animals, we're stuck with each other, and we like it (for the most part), even though we don't always want to admit it.

[Horab Fibslager]

cuz soemtimes ppl need a hug damnit.

a hig can do wodners. i wish soembody'd give me a fuckin hug.

[Guido Finucci]

cuz soemtimes ppl need a hug damnit.

a hig can do wodners. i wish soembody'd give me a fuckin hug.

Can't give you a hug. Allow me to promise you beer instead.

[Malaul]

I think its because we feel bad for them, so its us who needs the hug and not them...

[DJRubberducky]

Zurtok, I think it's less about hand-washing and more about feeling the need to control something we can't control.  Yeah, a hug doesn't do a whole lot, but to do absolutely nothing is to admit defeat, or something, and we just can't have that.

I think Malaul is on the right track with it being us who needs the hug and not them.  I will, however, give humanity enough credit to posit that this notion is rarely to never on anybody's conscious mind when they choose to offer a hug of comfort.  Still, death is some scary shit, what with being the only mystery we'll never be able to unravel from this side of existence,

To me, it's all about paradigms.  We see the world through the filter of our previous experiences, and so do we see other people.  When we hear them relate something they've experienced, we recall our own reaction to a similar situation (or as similar as we can get), and we expect that they will be feeling similarly to how we felt.  We expect that they will want and need the same things we wanted and needed.

For example: I've had to warn all my close friends - especially my girl friends - that it doesn't take very much at all to make me cry.  I want them to try and remember that difference between me and them, because otherwise when they see me cry about something, they will assume I am as emotionally moved as they would have to be in order to start crying themselves, and at least 8 times out of 10 that won't be the case.

Anyway, back to death: I think it is in fact all too easy to be confronted with even a third-hand experience of death, and be unsettled by it to the point that you want the social-creature reassurance of human touch, and then make the assumption that the bereaved would also want it.

[LMNO]

I believe more hugs should be given in general.  I like hugging, especially when both people mean it. Human contact has decreased lately, and I think we need some more.

::hugs Horab, Malaul, Bella, Roger, Hoshiko, Turd, Eldora, Mangrove, and Open Bar::

Who's next?

[DJRubberducky]

ME!

*booby-hugs LMNO*

[Cain]

Anyone who hugs me is asking for it. I am not in a good mood this afternoon........

[LMNO]

Scribe, I'll give you a hug, whether you want to or not...


As soon as I can convince myself of finishing up DJ's Booby Hug...



LMNO
-Enjoys boobies.