Author Topic: Poor Person Eats  (Read 4857 times)

altered

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Poor Person Eats
« on: February 10, 2020, 06:08:22 am »
I may as well pay attention to my food now, as practice. Also, some of my foods are HILARIOUS.



Losing My Goddamn Mind Mushroom Tortelloni with Dill & Sage Butter

Purchase and cook one package of Priano Porcini Mushroom Tortelloni, from your local Aldi. Delicious!

Realize you have no sauce to go with them. Commence screaming.

No olive oil either. More screaming.

Fuck it, melt a whole goddamn stick of butter in there while cussing at it.

Butter is horrible on its own. Raid the spice cabinet, by which I mean grab the first two things you see without checking what they are at all. Hope this does not become regret.

Dump dill and sage into the melting butter and hot pasta, eyes wild, face locked in a rictus grin, watching the innocent butter turn green and foul.

Mix. Comment on how it looks like you dropped it in some sand, lament your misfortune.

Take a bite and cry tears of joy. SO GOOD. I must make this butter sauce separately for future use.

Recognition: this is such a specific case that you will never make this again. You will always have a better choice. Enjoy it in the moment for what it is: a furious series of blind fuckups leading to excellence.



I will actually post another one too from today, why not!



The Last Pierogies

Take a pan-full of random pierogies, I used frozen ones because I’m a wretch and a fool and I have no place doing this sort of shit, god rest my soul. Make sure to lay them out evenly in the pan, with no overlaps and a couple millimeters of space between each of them.

Dump all of the olive oil on them. It will be fine, I’m sure I won’t want more olive oil tonight! This turns out to be the exact correct amount, just barely enough to reach the top of the flattened bits of the pierogies, in case you don’t want to roll the dice yourself.

Also, please do use GOOD olive oil, the oil flavor comes through so well in this, it showcases the absolute best the oil has to offer, don’t waste it on fucking canola oil you fucking simpleton.

Turn the burner on high, and keep your eyeballs trained on the gaps. As soon as the last large bit of undisturbed oil gets hot enough to begin to bubble, crank the burner down to about medium, maybe a hair lower.

Spatula? Spatula???? Oh shit!!!

Clean the only spatula in the house while begging the pierogies to turn out okay, because you are incapable of forward planning.

Check cooking side for firmness, texture and color. Firmness: they should sound hollow when you tap them with the spatula. Texture: like textured consumer electronics plastic, just rough enough to feel when you scrape it with the spatula, but not enough to see it with your eyes. Color: yellow leaning pale orange. This is like, two steps before golden brown. Don’t do golden brown. Cross your fingers and beg god not to give you golden brown, please.

When ready, flip pierogies onto the “belly” side. Mourn the two that are definitely overdone ever so slightly, and curse the last user of the spatula (spoiler alert, you were the last user).

Again, check for firmness, texture and color. This time, you want golden brown. Gasp audibly when all of them come out fucking perfect.

Get onto a plate, pat dry of oil, serve with sour cream (last of that too). Eat with your hands like an animal.

Oh my god. It’s like a stuffed potato chip. It’s too good.

Oh wait.

Oh no.

Oh no, I’m going gluten free and if you cheat your body keeps on eating your fucking neurons.

Oh no.

They are the last pierogies I will ever have.

Weep and enjoy.
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Cramulus

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Re: Poor Person Eats
« Reply #1 on: March 30, 2020, 09:18:57 pm »
Texture: like textured consumer electronics plastic

 :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:


& I love the 'twist ending' - you should do more M Night Shyamalan style cooking shows.

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Re: Poor Person Eats
« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2020, 09:54:23 pm »
Quote
Mourn the two that are definitely overdone ever so slightly, and curse the last user of the spatula (spoiler alert, you were the last user).


 :lulz:


The whole piece is great... cooking with chaos. Reminds me of my place. There’s still a vortex spinning above the hot-plates, the ones with the busted red indicator LED, next to a box of Eco-terrorism papers labeled “shredder.”


Regarding the whole gluten-free thing, this friend of mine develops food for a syndicate with that condition and swears by the new formulas they developed using cauliflower. They even make pizza. Let me know if you want to try some.

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Re: Poor Person Eats
« Reply #3 on: March 31, 2020, 01:17:17 pm »
Overall  :horrormirth: :horrormirth:  :kingmeh:  :lulz: :lulz:

But this part particularly...
Quote
Dump dill and sage into the melting butter and hot pasta, eyes wild, face locked in a rictus grin, watching the innocent butter turn green and foul.


It was at this point my inner Itallian was like

"Madonna no! The heretic must be stopped! BURN HER!! BURN THE WITCH!!!"

My Irish side fortunately does not yet know what you have done here. He doesn't wake up before noon these days. Pretty sure he'd just take it and leave it on the back stoop for the fair ones, who would probably think it's absolutely the best pasta and then invade Italy burning and plundering both sacred art and people alike demanding "the pasta" which most Italians cannot even concieve of, much less make if told of it for moral reasons.
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cigarki spiritual

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Re: Poor Person Eats
« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2020, 09:42:02 pm »
Pan-fried pork-liver:

Don't know what the prices are in the west cos when I was living in the UK I hadn't developed the pork-liver addiction that's currently got a hold on me but here you can buy a kilo of pork liver for a little bit under 2 quid. That's enough for three solid meals of pork liver.

Recipe is:
Get the liver and cut it in thin slices. Cover it up in olive or sunflower oil, garlic and black pepper. Maybe add a bit of white wine. Let it rest for a few minutes. Throw it in a pan with some onions and mushrooms. Fry but not for too long, you want it nearly pink. Add a bit of white wine while frying for optimum taste, but not necessary if done on super tight budget. Make sure you cover the pan after a bit of frying so that all the tastes can get infused. Enjoy pork liver.

Very importantly make sure you add salt once the liver is cooked rather than before as salt before cooking fucks up the texture.

Goes well with mashed potatoes.
« Last Edit: April 16, 2020, 10:59:59 pm by cigarki spiritual »

Odibex Grallspice

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Re: Poor Person Eats
« Reply #5 on: May 05, 2020, 09:17:41 pm »
Walmart brand stuff is really, really salty. it says you can punch a wall if you had enough salt but.. it's just rations and I'm a schoolteacher not a soldier

altered

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Re: Poor Person Eats
« Reply #6 on: March 21, 2021, 04:15:46 am »
I intended to make goth pasta: black pasta and red sauce. I made a fucking mistake and for the past 3 days I have been suffering. I have no money and little other food and i dumped the last of this tonight while fucking starving because there are some things that no human being should be forced to eat. I have eaten definitely expired food that absolutely was going to and did in fact give me food poisoning, this was too much.

FORBIDDEN PASTA OF DESPAIR

1 box aldi's black soybean spaghetti <-- ABSOLUTE NECESSITY
1 jar aldi's red pesto <-- ABSOLUTE NECESSITY
1 can of canned chicken meat <-- not necessary but no doubt adds to the experience
more butter than you think you'll need (one half stick) <-- for the chicken

Boil your pasta water -- do not put the pasta in yet, I don't know what will happen to this stuff if you soak it too long. While it's boiling, dump that can of chicken in a frying pan and add too much butter. No. More. A quarter stick. No. More. Half a stick. Yeah, finally the foul pink chunks are cooking. Chop it up fine, I don't trust a single bit of this shit but it's what I got and by god I will eat it, but I need to make it look like something other than disease. Add some salt and black pepper.

No.

MORE.

The pasta water still isn't boiling. What the FUCK. Scrape your cooked chicken into a container and dump the cheap red pesto in there too. Oh god. It's all sludge. It looks horrible. Mix it up and don't look at it too closely. Oh no why does it look like miniature maggots in a pool of tomato soup that's hardened and gone all chunky HORK

Finally the pasta water is boiling. You salted that shit, right? You better have. Oh well, too late to check now, cross your fingers and hope you don't have sad pasta. (It was indeed salted. Heavily.) Twiddle thumbs while the pasta coo-- no you don't, stir that shit, it's already gone all limp and weird. What the fuck. It was less than ten seconds. Panicked stirring for about 4 to 5 minutes because that's what the box says the cook time is, then strain.

It's earthworms. It's fucking earthworms.

Angrily dump strained pasta in a container, dump sauce/sludge on top, STIR LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT -- and then give up, it isn't helping, the shit WILL NOT STIR. Everything is horrible, the smell is delicious but the LOOK IS NIGHTMARISH.

Grab a fork, hoping it is okay to eat.



This is terrible. But it smells good, here goes...

Hell, it TASTES good too! But the TEXTURE is FUCKING HORRIFYING. NO. It feels like chomping on a mass of SOFT, WATERLOGGED RUBBER BANDS. This is suffering. It is malevolence.

Letting me cook was a mistake.
“I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me.”

“Ever watch that famous war movie? That’s how it’ll be.”
“Which one?”
“The one where everybody dies.”
— Blood Standard, Laird Barron

Remember the fall of Yin Tu.

altered

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Re: Poor Person Eats
« Reply #7 on: March 21, 2021, 08:53:51 pm »
I'm legitimately traumatized. I checked the recent posts and scrolled down too far, and saw this shit and nearly threw up at the sight. SO AWFUL. HIDEOUS. NIGHTMARE.

It's broken me. I might never eat pasta again.
“I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me.”

“Ever watch that famous war movie? That’s how it’ll be.”
“Which one?”
“The one where everybody dies.”
— Blood Standard, Laird Barron

Remember the fall of Yin Tu.

Q. G. Pennyworth

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Re: Poor Person Eats
« Reply #8 on: March 21, 2021, 10:54:58 pm »
while I haven't done the black bean pasta, I have tried one of the chickpea ones and it's exactly as bad texturally as you describe here. If you want a noodle without gluten, skip the idiot white people crap and try your local asian grocer

altered

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Re: Poor Person Eats
« Reply #9 on: March 22, 2021, 07:01:08 pm »
I got it explicitly because it was black pasta when not cooked. Really wanted to goth pasta... it was a mistake.
“I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me.”

“Ever watch that famous war movie? That’s how it’ll be.”
“Which one?”
“The one where everybody dies.”
— Blood Standard, Laird Barron

Remember the fall of Yin Tu.

Q. G. Pennyworth

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Re: Poor Person Eats
« Reply #10 on: March 22, 2021, 08:04:31 pm »
I got it explicitly because it was black pasta when not cooked. Really wanted to goth pasta... it was a mistake.

squid ink keeps the color when cooked. Someone donated some squid ink spaghetti do not ask me why.

altered

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Re: Poor Person Eats
« Reply #11 on: March 22, 2021, 10:48:40 pm »
I will keep that in mind! Maybe I will goth pasta in the end anyway? Hmmm
“I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me.”

“Ever watch that famous war movie? That’s how it’ll be.”
“Which one?”
“The one where everybody dies.”
— Blood Standard, Laird Barron

Remember the fall of Yin Tu.

Cain

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Re: Poor Person Eats
« Reply #12 on: March 23, 2021, 05:41:56 am »
You wanted goth pasta, but you got Lovecraftian pasta instead.

altered

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Re: Poor Person Eats
« Reply #13 on: March 23, 2021, 07:13:36 pm »
Not wrong. Unfortunately.
“I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me.”

“Ever watch that famous war movie? That’s how it’ll be.”
“Which one?”
“The one where everybody dies.”
— Blood Standard, Laird Barron

Remember the fall of Yin Tu.

altered

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Re: Poor Person Eats
« Reply #14 on: March 26, 2021, 10:00:20 pm »
I wanted a chili+cheese hot dog yesterday.

NOT A MISTAKE SAUSAGE

1 package johnsonville cheddar sausage
1 can hormel chunky chili
1 can campbell's cheddar cheese soup
1 small-ish loaf of french bread (this is technically not a hot dog bun)
1 tbsp (roughly) butter
some salt idk im not your mom

Butter in a pan. Melt it on very low heat, then toss the sausages in. Crank up the heat to about medium, and spend time opening your cans and such. Turn the sausages over just when you start to feel a little bit antsy but before you think you should actually do it -- these fuckers cook nicely. Cut the french bread to a bit longer than hot-dog-length pieces, and slice almost in half lengthwise while you wait again.

OPTIONAL (I didn't do it but I could have): butter the inside of your french bread, then set buttered-side-down in a separate pan to toast insides.

For the last side of the sausage cooking, remove from heat and set on an unused burner. While the pan cools and the sausages finish their cook time, spread the pudding-consistency cheddar cheese on the inside of your french bread, TOP THAT WITH SALT (IMPORTANT), and spoon some chili in over that. When satisfied with amount of chili and cheese, add sausage on top.

Normally I'd say something funny here but I'm not going gluten free as fast as I want and there's no disaster to discuss, it's just a pretty good and very VERY fucking cheap chili and cheese hot dog that is, in a PURELY technical sense, not a violation of the pentabarf. (It should be noted that I didn't do that on purpose, it was just cheaper and higher calorie-content to do things this way.) Also, technically, you could make this without anything more than a microwave, since the chili and cheese don't need heated up at all, so I'm keeping this recipe around.
“I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me.”

“Ever watch that famous war movie? That’s how it’ll be.”
“Which one?”
“The one where everybody dies.”
— Blood Standard, Laird Barron

Remember the fall of Yin Tu.