Plague Diary

[The Wizard Joseph]

4/28/2020

I find myself overwhelmed with depression for the last few days. So much so that I can barely get out of bed or bring myself to do anything productive on the computer, or even watch something entertaining. Part of it is sheer bad chemistry, sure, but the lion's share is despair about my home life and the ever expanding maw of stupid I daily watch people I once considered reasonable and intelligent throw themselves into. there are medical personnel taking their lives from watching so many people die and being able to do nothing. I'm not suicidal, but I am definitely crippled from seeing the sheer scale of fuckery going on and being able to do nothing. I have not opened the Zoom room for the last 2 days and probably won't today either, despite telling altered that I would. I can't handle connection to people right now. Even now I just want to crawl back into bed and let time wash over me, but I had to pee and thought I would check the web before I crash again. I know lying down is not good for me, and it exacerbates the depression, but I do not currently have the power in me to do much else. I'm going to try to keep busy for at least a little bit, but I'm just not able to focus meaningfully. Every time I try to look to the future it's like getting poked in the eye, and what I do manage to see is... bad. Looking to the past is not very helpful because I'm currently deprived of the ability to appreciate anything good, and have never been the nostalgic type. I have some real ability to focus only on the ever flickering present moment, and so I can still do things, but they are not very meaningful things. I feel heavy. Even now it's like my fingers need a disproportionate amount of my conscious control just to type. I'm just going to stop now. It feels like my brain is out of breath from this effort.

[Cramulus]

that sucks man - I know you're not looking for advice, but let me suggest that it may be time to unplug from the news. These days I find that I need to manage my news-intake, limit myself to only reading news when it's my intention to sit down and do that. And not click random links in the newsfeed. Otherwise I end up on this anxiety treadmill where I spend all day stressing out about shit.

And remember that things which are outside of your control are not worth your mental efforts. You have a sphere of things you can influence directly, a larger sphere of things you can influence indirectly, and outside of that is a much larger sphere of stuff you shouldn't let get to you.

I also don't know if you have the opportunity to get outside and move around your body, work up a good sweat, but that works magic on the psyche.

[The Wizard Joseph]

that sucks man - I know you're not looking for advice, but let me suggest that it may be time to unplug from the news. These days I find that I need to manage my news-intake, limit myself to only reading news when it's my intention to sit down and do that. And not click random links in the newsfeed. Otherwise I end up on this anxiety treadmill where I spend all day stressing out about shit.

And remember that things which are outside of your control are not worth your mental efforts. You have a sphere of things you can influence directly, a larger sphere of things you can influence indirectly, and outside of that is a much larger sphere of stuff you shouldn't let get to you.

I also don't know if you have the opportunity to get outside and move around your body, work up a good sweat, but that works magic on the psyche.

The shit comes to me whether I want it to or not. The ostrich maneuver is straight up folly moreover and doesn't protect fuck all, least of all my mind.

I am in part disheartened to discover just HOW MUCH is both tragic and outside of my control, even as I see what influence I do have erode daily.

I do take exercise. If it were a cure I would be well long ago, but it's sometimes like a bad joke when depression gets bad enough. It's a bandaid over gangrene, not even helping. Imagine seeing the beauty of nature with your eyes and only feeling loss because not only can you not appreciate it, it ANNOYS you for reminding you that you're too fucked to process beauty correctly.

I don't mind the unsolicited advice. I know it comes from a place of compassion, but it's advice about staying dry given to someone who can't come out of a rainstorm and sees flood waters coming up fast..

[Doktor Howl]

And then this happened.

https://apnews.com/761aded9e0bfec12057bb22fe65ff145

CHICAGO (AP) — A judge in southern Illinois ruled Monday that Gov. J.B. Pritzker's stay-at-home order to stem the spread of the coronavirus exceeds his emergency authority and violates individual civil rights.

Clay County Circuit Judge Michael McHaney sided with Republican Rep. Darren Bailey, who sought a temporary restraining order against the Democratic governor's far-reaching executive decree. Pritzker has relied on an April 2 statewide disaster declaration as authority to close schools, shut down nonessential businesses and limit movement by individuals from their homes because of the potentially deadly COVID-19.

Pritzker accused Bailey, a Xenia resident, of being "blindly devoted to ideology and the pursuit of personal celebrity."

"It's insulting. It's dangerous and people's safety and health have now been put at risk," Pritzker said. "There may be people who contract coronavirus as a result of what Darren Bailey has done."

[Doktor Howl]

Oh, for fuck's sake.

https://apnews.com/96a451475c34ed11b3698e3dc4eff371

Pence comes under fire for going maskless at Mayo Clinic

[The Wizard Joseph]

4/29/2020

All things considered my day started better than I expected. Had som 8-bit jams with Cram on FB. Some of my memes are circulating nicely. Had an acceptable breakfast. Then I just HAD to contradict my brother when he posted the the attached pic to FB and told my uncle who questioned his evidence that it was on HIM to disprove it. I told him that's not how truth and logic work and it turned into a personal argument both on and off line wherein he grandstanded on his infallibility and blustered about how insulting I was for suggesting he was not "awake" but still in a deeply delusional dream like I had insulted the honor of everything evers.

I consented to send him some hard data on the topic of fatality rates in pm and before I could even fire up google and go through my browser history he was spamming me with more crap. when I literally quoted an article that he sent as "Evidence" that was the exact opposite of his assertion about the New York mortality rate being artificially inflated "to secure funding" and questioned his grasp of the facts. THAT DID IT. Straight to personal attacks and bullshit to cover for the VERY obvious imperfection of his whole edifice of bullshit. And now he's talking shit to Dad trying to discredit me and make me seem "dangerous". Fuck him.

We're straight up not talking anymore for now. I have unfollowed him. I won't unfriend him in case I need to contact him in an emergency, but I have put the final nail in that coffin. I'm not as sad as I thought I might be. I have at last discovered conclusively that there is no salvage to be had. My brother is gone and what remains of him is just some potentially dangerous shit to deal with, not a person, much less one I love. I'll just play to his ego from now on as necessary to make a tolerable puppet of him and NEVER turn my back to him. Worst part is he's just a small sample of the profoundly dangerous, delusional pathology of the mind going around faster than Rona ever could. See my brother is not STUPID. He's fairly bright intellectually. He represents what can happen to a decent processor carrying loads of bad signal to everyone around them. There is nothing I can legally do to stop him or anyone like him from spreading that signal. That has me disheartened gravely. That has me wondering if things like representative government and free flow of information and expression are GOOD things in a functional social sense.

It's just going to get more fucked from here. This is still the prelude, much less any sort of climax. I'm not going to, but I REALLY want a cigarette, and a ball jar full of rail gin and scotch. Masochism has the side effect of taking your mind off of the worse pain sometimes. I'm just tired of hurting all the time, and only have pain escalation to look forward to.

[Doktor Howl]

Governor Ducey¹ just extended our lockdown for 2 weeks.  So there's that.




¹ There is no bad way to pronounce that.

[Faust]

Baby girl was born at around 8:45 april 29th.
We needed a c-section so the recovery will take longer (I wont get to see them again for the next five days).

Welcome to this run down condemned amusement park of a world baby, Im so sorry.

[Doktor Howl]

Baby girl was born at around 8:45 april 29th.
We needed a c-section so the recovery will take longer (I wont get to see them again for the next five days).

Welcome to this run down condemned amusement park of a world baby, Im so sorry.

Congratulations. Welcome to the club.  You never get to stop worrying again. 

[Cain]

Congrats Faust

[MMIX]

Baby girl was born at around 8:45 april 29th.
We needed a c-section so the recovery will take longer (I wont get to see them again for the next five days).

Welcome to this run down condemned amusement park of a world baby, Im so sorry.

Nice to have some good news for a change - welcome small Faustess

5 days is a real holy week - everyone knows godess doesn't work weekends

Hope they are both well, you didn't say, and tell them that nutjobs all over the world are sending healing thoughts . . .
birth is no laughing matter - it makes the stiches hurt

PS does that mean littl'un will share a birthday with the mewling Tory bastard in no 10?

[Cramulus]

Baby girl was born at around 8:45 april 29th.
We needed a c-section so the recovery will take longer (I wont get to see them again for the next five days).

Welcome to this run down condemned amusement park of a world baby, Im so sorry.

Congrats, Faust!!! Would love to see a pic!

[The Wizard Joseph]

Baby girl was born at around 8:45 april 29th.
We needed a c-section so the recovery will take longer (I wont get to see them again for the next five days).

Welcome to this run down condemned amusement park of a world baby, Im so sorry.

Blessings to your child and I hope for a full and swift recovery!

[LMNO]

Congrats, Faust!

[Faust]

Thanks guys

Baby girl was born at around 8:45 april 29th.
We needed a c-section so the recovery will take longer (I wont get to see them again for the next five days).

Welcome to this run down condemned amusement park of a world baby, Im so sorry.

Congratulations. Welcome to the club.  You never get to stop worrying again. 

Sounds about right based on the first day

Nice to have some good news for a change - welcome small Faustess

5 days is a real holy week - everyone knows godess doesn't work weekends

Hope they are both well, you didn't say, and tell them that nutjobs all over the world are sending healing thoughts . . .
birth is no laughing matter - it makes the stiches hurt

PS does that mean littl'un will share a birthday with the mewling Tory bastard in no 10?

The baby was perfectly happy, but herself had very high blood pressure that was increasing so they didnt want to wait, went with the csection, but herself sounds a lot better now that she has had some rest and its slowly starting to come down, but they said it could take a couple of weeks. And yes she shares the same birthday with Boris Jr so I assume this gives my child +1 stat boosts to whatever the brexit stat is and bike riding and -1 to international trade and haircuts