« previous next »
Pages: [1]

Author Topic: Amok  (Read 5613 times)

altered

  • More Future, All Bad.
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 2582
  • Wielder of "Oh No Not Again"
    • View Profile
Amok
« on: June 17, 2020, 09:28:29 pm »
A few days ago, you might have been there, something snapped and I am no longer the person I was before

I feel this buzzing intensity all the time no matter what substances I have or haven’t had and in what amounts

I don’t have any idea what I’m saying as I’m saying it I just fucking type and talk and shit and then it’s there

I am hypervigilant in a twitch-reaction way and Ready to fucking rumble where I used to be hypervigilant in an observational way and avoidant as fuck

I can’t even spool up the focus to type like I used to, I’m permanently shaking and just want to get the fucking shit over with

And I’m sure this snapping of something inside of me just halved my fucking lifespan and permanently destroyed my ability to write fiction so I have more reasons to be hideously angry

Ask me if I’m ok again fucker, ask me again, I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you by shouting you down the fucking stairs like it’s skyrim do not fucking treat me like a person treat me like radioactive materials, special handling avoid at all costs keep your fucking distance
Logged
“I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me.”

There's over 100 of us in this meat-suit. You'd think it runs like a ship, but it's more like a hundred and ten angry ghosts having an old-school QuakeWorld tournament, three people desperately trying to make sure the gamers don't go hungry or soil themselves, and the Facilities manager weeping in the corner as the garbage piles high.

Doktor Howl

  • Slayer of Spam Bots
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 37173
  • Horrible Bastard
    • View Profile
Re: Amok
« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2020, 11:20:13 pm »
KICK 'EM IN THA NADS!
Logged
Molon Lube

altered

  • More Future, All Bad.
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 2582
  • Wielder of "Oh No Not Again"
    • View Profile
Re: Amok
« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2020, 11:25:14 pm »
I died three times in the land of the free before Christmas

If you aren’t dodging the hearse that’s prowling for you the way Bezos dodges the tax man you and I got nothing in common

Everywhere I walk is a grave, every hotel headboard a tombstone
Logged
“I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me.”

There's over 100 of us in this meat-suit. You'd think it runs like a ship, but it's more like a hundred and ten angry ghosts having an old-school QuakeWorld tournament, three people desperately trying to make sure the gamers don't go hungry or soil themselves, and the Facilities manager weeping in the corner as the garbage piles high.

minuspace

  • Neva Dun
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 3358
  • Love is the host, so...
    • View Profile
Re: Amok
« Reply #3 on: June 18, 2020, 12:36:50 am »
Quote from: altered on June 17, 2020, 09:28:29 pm

I am hypervigilant in a twitch-reaction way and Ready to fucking rumble where I used to be hypervigilant in an observational way and avoidant as fuck

I can’t even spool up the focus to type like I used to, I’m permanently shaking and just want to get the fucking shit over with



That sounds like a sympathetic nervous system loop. Requires release before “freeze” state ideally. Because dissociation sucks. Take it one moment at a time. Have you read anything by Peter Levine? His stuff was helpful when I was stuck between my amygdala and that fucking tiger in the corner.
Logged

altered

  • More Future, All Bad.
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 2582
  • Wielder of "Oh No Not Again"
    • View Profile
Re: Amok
« Reply #4 on: June 20, 2020, 09:29:13 pm »
Do not lecture me about mercy and justice.

I was a sociopathic child, and I’ve been fighting the impulse to switch my empathy back off and not suffer for 17 years of my useless fucking life. I have fought for nothing but survival, mercy and justice in that time.

And look where it fucking got me.

If I say I want to break the knees and mock the crawling figures of every powerful figure in this nightmare world, that is where I have landed after pushing for justice and mercy and getting shit in return.

If the powerful had the PROPER FUCKING FEAR, deep down in their fucking bones, maybe I wouldn’t be begging for another hundred goddamn dollars every day from people only two steps ahead of where the fuck I am while I’m trying to outlast my demise.

A hundred dollars every 24 hours keeps me barely fed and housed. That’s what your justice and mercy earned me.

Do not lecture me about mercy and justice. I will show you every kind of mercy and justice and you will see only weakness: fuck that. Justice is exsanguination. That’s a justice that demands respect and earns authority. Mercy is mocking and kicking those on high who have been brought low, because I am capable of much worse.

Do not. Lecture me. Do not.
Logged
“I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me.”

There's over 100 of us in this meat-suit. You'd think it runs like a ship, but it's more like a hundred and ten angry ghosts having an old-school QuakeWorld tournament, three people desperately trying to make sure the gamers don't go hungry or soil themselves, and the Facilities manager weeping in the corner as the garbage piles high.

altered

  • More Future, All Bad.
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 2582
  • Wielder of "Oh No Not Again"
    • View Profile
Re: Amok
« Reply #5 on: June 20, 2020, 10:04:21 pm »
To those who want to say I have benefitted from mercy and justice:

I have not. I have benefitted from good people doing what good people do, and only barely if that.

Justice and mercy are punishment and kindness shown to the guilty. And I am innocent.
Logged
“I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me.”

There's over 100 of us in this meat-suit. You'd think it runs like a ship, but it's more like a hundred and ten angry ghosts having an old-school QuakeWorld tournament, three people desperately trying to make sure the gamers don't go hungry or soil themselves, and the Facilities manager weeping in the corner as the garbage piles high.

minuspace

  • Neva Dun
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 3358
  • Love is the host, so...
    • View Profile
Re: Amok
« Reply #6 on: June 21, 2020, 01:44:43 am »
Let’s just remember to fuck Pity real good too.
Logged

discordia22

  • Known
  • *
  • Posts: 10
    • View Profile
Re: Amok
« Reply #7 on: December 08, 2020, 10:00:50 am »
it' okay to feel the way you're feeling. It's also very important to let it all out. Feel free to be as open about it as possible, because in the end, no one will know...
Life can be hard and you feel like you don't belong there, that you're different and that you just don't fit in... but hear me out. You're one of a kind, you're special. You deserve all teh good from the world, so don't think otherwise. It's time to start living, of course by not hurting others. It's just a mad cycle if you make others feel bad... it'll eventually all come back. So think wisely before you act.
You are you, and you are allowed to live, so enjoy every second you have and be a better version of yourself.
Good luck!
Logged
stay close to people who feel like sunshine

Doktor Howl

  • Slayer of Spam Bots
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 37173
  • Horrible Bastard
    • View Profile
Re: Amok
« Reply #8 on: December 08, 2020, 03:01:26 pm »
Quote from: minuspace on June 21, 2020, 01:44:43 am
Let’s just remember to fuck Pity real good too.

Die in a fire.
Logged
Molon Lube
Pages: [1]
« previous next »