Principia Discordia > Or Kill Me

Amok

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altered:
A few days ago, you might have been there, something snapped and I am no longer the person I was before

I feel this buzzing intensity all the time no matter what substances I have or havenít had and in what amounts

I donít have any idea what Iím saying as Iím saying it I just fucking type and talk and shit and then itís there

I am hypervigilant in a twitch-reaction way and Ready to fucking rumble where I used to be hypervigilant in an observational way and avoidant as fuck

I canít even spool up the focus to type like I used to, Iím permanently shaking and just want to get the fucking shit over with

And Iím sure this snapping of something inside of me just halved my fucking lifespan and permanently destroyed my ability to write fiction so I have more reasons to be hideously angry

Ask me if Iím ok again fucker, ask me again, Iíll tell you, Iíll tell you by shouting you down the fucking stairs like itís skyrim do not fucking treat me like a person treat me like radioactive materials, special handling avoid at all costs keep your fucking distance

Doktor Howl:
KICK 'EM IN THA NADS!

altered:
I died three times in the land of the free before Christmas

If you arenít dodging the hearse thatís prowling for you the way Bezos dodges the tax man you and I got nothing in common

Everywhere I walk is a grave, every hotel headboard a tombstone

minuspace:

--- Quote from: altered on June 17, 2020, 09:28:29 pm ---
I am hypervigilant in a twitch-reaction way and Ready to fucking rumble where I used to be hypervigilant in an observational way and avoidant as fuck

I canít even spool up the focus to type like I used to, Iím permanently shaking and just want to get the fucking shit over with


--- End quote ---


That sounds like a sympathetic nervous system loop. Requires release before ďfreezeĒ state ideally. Because dissociation sucks. Take it one moment at a time. Have you read anything by Peter Levine? His stuff was helpful when I was stuck between my amygdala and that fucking tiger in the corner.

altered:
Do not lecture me about mercy and justice.

I was a sociopathic child, and Iíve been fighting the impulse to switch my empathy back off and not suffer for 17 years of my useless fucking life. I have fought for nothing but survival, mercy and justice in that time.

And look where it fucking got me.

If I say I want to break the knees and mock the crawling figures of every powerful figure in this nightmare world, that is where I have landed after pushing for justice and mercy and getting shit in return.

If the powerful had the PROPER FUCKING FEAR, deep down in their fucking bones, maybe I wouldnít be begging for another hundred goddamn dollars every day from people only two steps ahead of where the fuck I am while Iím trying to outlast my demise.

A hundred dollars every 24 hours keeps me barely fed and housed. Thatís what your justice and mercy earned me.

Do not lecture me about mercy and justice. I will show you every kind of mercy and justice and you will see only weakness: fuck that. Justice is exsanguination. Thatís a justice that demands respect and earns authority. Mercy is mocking and kicking those on high who have been brought low, because I am capable of much worse.

Do not. Lecture me. Do not.

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