Principia Discordia > Or Kill Me

I am the enemy

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trix:
I am your enemy.

I'm a coward.  I play Chaotic Good in D&D, but Chaotic Spineless in real life.  I am kind to everyone I meet, generous, all the hallmarks of "good", but I am not good.  I allow evil to thrive and only give lip service to resisting it.  I allow racist and homophobic coworkers to feel like that shit is acceptable, by not showing my fangs every time I look at them.  By being polite to them.  By rationalizing my cowardice with "I would totally do something if I ever actually saw them say or do anything against a homosexual or POC in person".  I do this with full knowledge that it's a rationalization, that I am a spineless coward, and that I should do SO MUCH MORE to fight for what I believe in.  Yet, I continue.  I go to work, I keep my mouth shut, and I fill my spare time with bullshit.

I have read hundreds upon hundreds of posts on this website and many others, I know what the concept of the Black Iron Prison entails, I have taken many many steps down a road to becoming a better person, a smarter person, a biped, and then I stopped.  I gave up.  I shrank.

I am controlled by my fears.  I don't want anything to upset my precious little life, and because of this, I don't do anything to try and protect my precious little life from the major things happening that threaten it.

I am the perfect tool of the state.  The ultimate consumer.  I have a 55" OLED overpriced TV, a HD projector with a 120" screen, a powerful top of the line PC to play games on, etc etc etc.  I have tons of privileges granted to me by luck, skin color, and sexual orientation.  I am the white middle class man.  I did not start out this way, but this is the reality of who I am today.

I am no genius, but I am not a complete fool either.  I have the strength to look directly at the ugliness of what I am, and the ugliness around me, without flinching.  Yet, I am defined by my weakness, laziness, and unwillingness to change it.

I may not be the obvious evil, but it is because of me and my weakness that evil grows strong.  My apathy feeds it.  My hesitancy gives it confidence.  My fears give it freedom... MY freedom.

10 Years ago if someone accosted me in the street to go after my wallet, ONE OF US would be headed to the hospital.  Now, I'd give up my wallet without a fight.  I doubt I'd even whine as I handed it over, and instead whine in safety, later, when it no longer matters.

I don't even know what is so precious about my life that I am so afraid of losing it.  I don't understand how I can be FULLY AWARE that the life I lead and friends I have are AT RISK by allowing horrible shit to continue.  Yet I remain sitting here on my couch, wondering what happened to the Discordian Trap Door that used to spring open when I got too complacent.

I don't know who the fuck I am anymore.  I don't recognize this coward.  Yet I am he.  This time when I died, I somehow survived my own death, and now I'm just a ghost of a person sitting around eating doritos and playing Star Citizen.

I don't know what I hope to accomplish by this confession either.  If anything I am proof that Roger is right, fuck our moronic species.

I may not be the most evil thing around.  Or Really Real Evil.  However, I am certainly more problem than solution.  I live in Redneckville Wisconsin (A.K.A. Elkhorn) where Trump flags outnumber the American flags and every church in town makes the Town Hall building look ghetto by comparison.  A very comfortable, pleasant, suburb of Hell.  I'm surrounded by very friendly, kind, family-oriented demons.  Demons that actually cheer on American Hitler, refuse to wear masks during a global pandemic, and spread ideas like "Climate change is a hoax" and "vaccines kill babies" and I shit you not "the earth really is flat".  While I do disagree when that stuff is said out loud around me, I do so politely.  I don't berate people for not wearing a mask.  I don't tear down the Trump flags everywhere.  I don't do much of anything, really.

In short (too late!), I am the enemy.  Not by choice, but by apathy.  I would invite you to put me out of my misery, but I am not miserable.  Just, very disappointed in myself.  However, if one of you WERE to take me out, I would totally understand.  Because I am the enemy.  My own, most of all.

Cramulus:
WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH THAT, IF IT IS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO?

trix:
Ahaha yeah, point taken.  I should've expected the Professor to appear on my TV and quote Eris at me, and it was a very well-chosen quote.  I love you Cram, you don't know me but you are my favorite poster on PD.  Your Discordia seems the closest to mine of anyone here.  I sincerely hope to meet you some day.  Anyway.

While it totally IS what I want to do, it is a selfish way to live, given the state of things.  I don't like how selfish I've become.  I want to fight, to tear this whole fucking joke of a society down and see if people build something better in its place.

But, man, I'm tired.  I worked another 50-60 hour week in the factory.  I have mortgage, bills, small-time shit to do, a sick person to care for and support, etc etc etc.  Also, Star Citizen is SO MUCH MORE FUN.  And my D&D session is tomorrow and is the high point of my week.

To be brutally, painfully honest, I want other people to fight the evil shit and win and bring sanity back to society, while I sit here posting useless crap in support of those people in between work and sleep and games.  However, this makes me a shit person.  I don't really like being a shit person either.

I've seriously considered trying something like alcohol or drugs to give myself the energy to get off my stupid ass and GO THE FUCK OUTSIDE and try to make a difference, but I also feel like if I have to be fucked up to do it, I haven't solved the underlying problem.

I just don't fucking know, man.

trix:
The worst part is my memory.  I remember the feeling of fighting.  I remember throwing wrenches into the gears.  I remember PosterGASM campaigns and my old cabal and the other shit we got up to, trying to knock people out of their comfortable routine for a surreal moment of WTF.

Now I'm one of those people stuck in the routine.  No cabal, no GASMs, nothing.  I've become a well-oiled cog, doing what I am supposed to do day after day so that I can live my very comfortable life while feeling bad for all the people who cannot have what I have because society has gotten so fucked.

The most subversive thing I do these days is to subtly ship the homophobes I work with together make them uncomfortable.   Secretly leaving little notes on their machine that appear to be love letters or secret admirer notes from one homophobe to another.  Even that I have to be very careful about to make sure I don't cross any lines that could lead to trouble.  And it doesn't really do anything except make me giggle in secret.

I have become, comfortably numb.

Cramulus:
Before, what you had was the demo, the sneak preview

the MachineTM was still being put together

your younger self didn't need to be at odds with it



Now you are searching for an ignition spark

so it sounds like the stage is finally set----

these are the   t r u e    conditions
of your real initiation





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