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I'm not here.

Started by Doktor Howl, June 25, 2020, 06:47:40 AM

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Doktor Howl

I am not here.  I am not where you cast me aside.

No.

I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and walked down that lost highway.  I ran an observatory for a while, but found that - having left myself behind - the natural sciences no longer interested me.  So I turned to unnatural sciences, you know, the sexyfuntime kind where everyday is an ADVENTURE.

I am not where you left me.

I grew, perhaps in ways that were never part of the intentions of the designer, whomever or whatever THAT is.  I twisted.  I performed contortions...and finally I ended up like this.  I kinda like it.  I mean, I was wrong in that I was gonna go back to the old me, the 33 year old me.  But you can't go back.  You can only change, and in changing realize that the 33 year old me was just as fucking dumb as the 48 year old me, the silly annoying bastard who wrote silly stories and showed remarkably poor judgement in many things.

I am not where you dropped me when I was no longer an amusement, and having been dropped, I found myself.  The real me.  The me I have always wanted, at some level, to be.  My urge for validation is gone, or at least replaced with something I have yet to recognize.  I am full of endless mirth, a spontaneous laughter when I consider humanity.  I do not care about those who say "stop this at once" and "What are you doing?" and "I have ethical concerns."  Those concerns get in the way of the money.  The money I need to do MORE.  Funding is your only God.

Like an Allen wrench, I am not where you set me down.  It's been years, I could be just about *anywhere* by now.

And do you know what?

I am happier.  I in fact never been this happy, in a general sense.  I have had enough poison in my life.  I have had enough friends who are dear friends until they've had a drink or ten, whereupon I cannot do anything right, cannot be good enough for anything other than contempt.  Instead, I choose very carefully who gets to pick me up and put me down, in both senses of both terms.

This is by no means a statement of intent or a declaration of vendetta or any of that 2005-2009 bullshit. 

I am only saying that I'm not where you left me.  I'm miles and miles and 5 years away from where you put me.

Hell, you wouldn't even recognize me.  I'm not that guy, anymore.

I'm me.

Molon Lube

Elder Iptuous

Nice,man!
It's a pleasure to meet you.

LMNO


altered

Yeah. I don't have much to add except that one day I hope to be able to say I'm not here either.
"I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me."

There's over 100 of us in this meat-suit. You'd think it runs like a ship, but it's more like a hundred and ten angry ghosts having an old-school QuakeWorld tournament, three people desperately trying to make sure the gamers don't go hungry or soil themselves, and the Facilities manager weeping in the corner as the garbage piles high.

Doktor Howl

Quote from: altered on June 25, 2020, 04:33:07 PM
Yeah. I don't have much to add except that one day I hope to be able to say I'm not here either.

I can already see you moving.

If it's any encouragement, my life and my career didn't actually start for real until I was in my late 30s.  Things change.  You change.
Molon Lube

P3nT4gR4m

One of the most important things I ever figured out was that the really real, genuine me, the self I was supposed to be true to, was in fact something I could pretty much invent with impunity. I decided to make one that wasn't such a fuckhead.

I'm up to my arse in Brexit Numpties, but I want more.  Target-rich environments are the new sexy.
Not actually a meat product.
Ass-Kicking & Foot-Stomping Ancient Master of SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK
Awful and Bent Behemothic Results of Last Night's Painful Squat.
High Altitude Haggis-Filled Sex Bucket From Beyond Time and Space.
Internet Monkey Person of Filthy and Immoral Pygmy-Porn Wart Contagion
Octomom Auxillary Heat Exchanger Repairman
walking the fine line line between genius and batshit fucking crazy

"computation is a pattern in the spacetime arrangement of particles, and it's not the particles but the pattern that really matters! Matter doesn't matter." -- Max Tegmark

Cramulus

good post Rog -- initiation never ends

brings to mind the Rubaiyat:

QuoteAh, my Belovéd, fill the Cup that clears
Today of past Regrets and future Fears:
    Tomorrow!--Why, Tomorrow I may be
Myself with Yesterday's Sev'n thousand Years.

Cain


Doktor Howl

Quote from: Cramulus on June 26, 2020, 01:43:59 PM
good post Rog -- initiation never ends

brings to mind the Rubaiyat:

QuoteAh, my Belovéd, fill the Cup that clears
Today of past Regrets and future Fears:
    Tomorrow!--Why, Tomorrow I may be
Myself with Yesterday's Sev'n thousand Years.

But you know what does end, even for me?

Anger.  I find myself inexplicably not angry.  This isn't the same as "it never happened," not by a distance measured in parsecs...But I'm not pissed off anymore.
Molon Lube

Doktor Howl

Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on June 26, 2020, 08:58:18 AM
One of the most important things I ever figured out was that the really real, genuine me, the self I was supposed to be true to, was in fact something I could pretty much invent with impunity. I decided to make one that wasn't such a fuckhead.

This wasn't so much a reinvention as it was "how I progressed and how fast I progressed when toxic elements have been removed."

I think the shutdown may have helped.  I have literally spent all of my non-working hours with my wife, without outside influences, and it's been pretty fucking fantastic.  I don't think I've ever been this happy.
Molon Lube

The Wizard Joseph

I REALLY felt this. Brought me all the way back to the different sort of person I was when I got divorced. I can and have since done many things and SEEN many things I would have once thought impossible, and the world is likewise DIFFERENT now.

But I LIKE myselves in these terrible days.  :fnord:
You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
- Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz:

"You program the controller to do the thing, only it doesn't do the thing.  It does something else entirely, or nothing at all.  It's like voting."
- Billy, Aug 21st, 2019

"It's not even chaos anymore. It's BANAL."
- Doktor Hamish Howl

altered

Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 25, 2020, 06:28:43 PM
Quote from: altered on June 25, 2020, 04:33:07 PM
Yeah. I don't have much to add except that one day I hope to be able to say I'm not here either.

I can already see you moving.

If it's any encouragement, my life and my career didn't actually start for real until I was in my late 30s.  Things change.  You change.

Hey, remember this?

I made it. I'm not here.

Thanks for writing this. It's given me, during some especially dark and awful times, a goal to aspire to. When everything else seems unrealistic or foolish, I have a fallback, a reason to keep moving. Not to go some place in particular, but to go anywhere but where I have been sitting all this time.

And I did it.

And you were right about the anger, too. I do in fact still have it, but it's ... remembering things that used to wreck my week, and giggling to myself about how mad those fuckers would be to see me now. If they could. It's not spite or hate or a grudge anymore. It's not seething or brooding. It's knowing I won. I don't need to show them what anymore, I already showed myself.

It's a good place to be, not here.
"I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me."

There's over 100 of us in this meat-suit. You'd think it runs like a ship, but it's more like a hundred and ten angry ghosts having an old-school QuakeWorld tournament, three people desperately trying to make sure the gamers don't go hungry or soil themselves, and the Facilities manager weeping in the corner as the garbage piles high.

Doktor Howl

Quote from: altered on October 02, 2021, 06:45:11 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 25, 2020, 06:28:43 PM
Quote from: altered on June 25, 2020, 04:33:07 PM
Yeah. I don't have much to add except that one day I hope to be able to say I'm not here either.

I can already see you moving.

If it's any encouragement, my life and my career didn't actually start for real until I was in my late 30s.  Things change.  You change.

Hey, remember this?

I made it. I'm not here.

Thanks for writing this. It's given me, during some especially dark and awful times, a goal to aspire to. When everything else seems unrealistic or foolish, I have a fallback, a reason to keep moving. Not to go some place in particular, but to go anywhere but where I have been sitting all this time.

And I did it.

And you were right about the anger, too. I do in fact still have it, but it's ... remembering things that used to wreck my week, and giggling to myself about how mad those fuckers would be to see me now. If they could. It's not spite or hate or a grudge anymore. It's not seething or brooding. It's knowing I won. I don't need to show them what anymore, I already showed myself.

It's a good place to be, not here.

I'm glad you got here.  It is in fact a good place to be.
Molon Lube

The Commander

Hmmm...creative chaos = evolution and personal growth perhaps? I heard a quote the ather day along the lines of..."If you are the same person now that you were 30 years ago, all that time has been wasted."

The Commander
DIA
The Commander
DIA
Discordian Intelligence Agency