Tales from the Cutting Edge

[Doktor Howl]

Meeting today:

Me:  "I have looked at the numbers, Mary, and we can't use tungsten for fragmentation.  It's too expensive and it would also be heavy enough to cut battery life by 75%."

Mary:  "Yes, but it punches through damn near everything."

Sally (Now her real name):  "Doesn't do us any good if it can't reach the target.  Any ideas, Hamish?"

Me:  "Yes.  Upsize the explosive 15% and jacket the doggie with glass."

Mary:  "..."

Sally:  "..."

Me:  "What?  It's light, it flies a greater distance, and it can't be detected with X-rays.  Also, every time the victim is moved, it's like he has tiny gnomes with bone saws inside him that start cutting.  So when he's placed on a stretcher, that alone is like stabbing him a dozen times."

Sally:  "Is that legal?"

Me:  "The first time.  I checked, and there is no specific treaty or legal regulation banning glass as a weapon."

Sally:  "Um. I am going to go to my office and think about this."

Mary:  "Don't leave me alone with this monster!"

Me:  "Not for nothing, but Trump just made Matthew Gaetz the attorney general."

Sally:  *boils*

Me:  "And he's trying to have Lara Trump installed in the senate."

Sally:  "I want a proposal on my desk by the 18th."

Me:  "On it."

Mary:  "Oh my God."

Me:  "Welcome to the Cyber Corporation, Cyberpunk."

Mary:  "What?"

Me:  "This all fits into the first statistical deviation."

Mary:  "Did you just tell me this is all normal?"

Me:  "Yes, but in geek."

[chaotic neutral observer]

Sally:  "Is that legal?"

Me:  "The first time.  I checked, and there is no specific treaty or legal regulation banning glass as a weapon."

I think there's the making of a good marketing slogan in there.

"It's legal...the first time."

"Deploy our weapons platforms, and you'll be the reason they need to rewrite the rules of war."

[Doktor Howl]

Sally:  "Is that legal?"

Me:  "The first time.  I checked, and there is no specific treaty or legal regulation banning glass as a weapon."

I think there's the making of a good marketing slogan in there.

"It's legal...the first time."

"Deploy our weapons platforms, and you'll be the reason they need to rewrite the rules of war."

"It's never a war crime the first time."
- The Fat Electrician

[Doktor Howl]

So, the engineers that report to me call me The Monster when they think I can't hear them.

Young people are just not serious about havin' a good time in the end times.

[Pergamos]

I am a bit confused by your boss, a dictator has taken power, and that makes her more eager to make weapons?  Isn't that putting weapons at the disposal of the dictator?

[Doktor Howl]

I am a bit confused by your boss, a dictator has taken power, and that makes her more eager to make weapons?  Isn't that putting weapons at the disposal of the dictator?

I think she just wants less humans, but I'm not going to question it.

[Doktor Howl]

Just took delivery of a pallet of M2 machine guns.  In broad daylight.  Legally.

This is my United States of Whatever.

[Chelagoras The Boulder]

I love these stories. Its like living in a WH40K prequel fanfic.

[Doktor Howl]

So I just got a text - on Sunday - from Incompetence Coordinator Phil, asking me to please stop being a dick and provide a "vision statement" for my departments.

I have settled on "We are all monsters together."

[chaotic neutral observer]

So I just got a text - on Sunday - from Incompetence Coordinator Phil, asking me to please stop being a dick and provide a "vision statement" for my departments.

I have settled on "We are all monsters together."

It's perfect.

[Doktor Howl]

So I drove over to the cargo terminal at the airport on Friday to pick up 4 more crated M2 50 cal machine guns (bolt carriers shipped separately so people don't get all anxious), and got pulled over on the way back to the shop.

Cop: "Do you have any weapons in the car?"

Me:  *looks back at the crates in the back of the van*

Me:  "Um."

[Doktor Howl]

Product completed, patent and schematics sold to some cheerfully murderous Poles.

Now we have to decide what to do next.

I'm of a mind to weaponize sulfur reducing bacteria.  I checked, and that's not illegal, since they don't infect humans or animals. They just eat metal. Like little tiny piranha.

Gonna need a chemist and a couple of biology nerds.

Hamish,
Off to the university to find some more bright-eyed youngsters to corrupt.

[Doktor Howl]

I was driving to the waste water facility today and Jelly Roll was on the radio, telling me the world is fucked up and people are awful.

You're right, Mr Roll, and you state your case eloquently.  But only one of us is DOING something about it.

There is in fact a way to handle all the world's fucked up monkey problems.  No monkeys, no problems. 

It occurred to me while I was parking the car that this all could have been fixed way the hell back when JFK was president, but Kruschev just wasn't serious about havin' a good time.

It also occurs to me that I never actually checked if the 5 gallon bucket of SRBs I am here to pick up need TWO hazmat warnings, or just one.

I am also reminded of last month, when I got pulled over with crated machine guns in the van. 

"Are there any weapons in the vehicle?"

"Why yes, there are 5 gallons of anaerobic bacteria that produce cyanide and eat carbon steel on an industrial scale in the trunk.  Why are you looking at me like that?"

I feel as if this century will not be kind to those who pursue SCIENCE.

[Doktor Howl]

Fire Inspector:  "You have munitions here."

Me: "Technically, those aren't munitions, and I have a room full of lawyers that will explain why."

Fire Inspector:  "But we're going to treat them as munitions.  Relax, you only have to make one change."

Me: "Okay."

Fire Inspector:  "You need to make your exit signs flash."

My Intrusive Thoughts:  "MAKE THEM FLASH AT 10 HERTZ!"

Me:  "That's metal as fuck."

Fire Inspector:  "What?"

Me:  "What?"

[chaotic neutral observer]

My Intrusive Thoughts:  "MAKE THEM FLASH AT 10 HERTZ!"

Once, as a dumb schoolkid, I read somewhere that humans were sensitive to flashing lights at certain frequencies, so I programmed my Apple IIgs to flash pink at 13 Hz.

It was nausea-inducing, bloody awesome, and I didn't do it again.