"I'll show you a parking ticket, you Jitney-driving bastard", EoC shouted, while he beat the traffic warden with a tire iron. I just stood there in shock...This sort of shit just doesn't happen in America. Shit hole 3rd world countries like Europe, maybe. But not here.
"You fascist jerks are all the same!", he screamed, to a cop no longer capable of listening.
"Calm down, jackass!", I yelled, "We have to get out of here NOW!"
We jumped in his unidentifiable compact car...The brand logo was completely obscured by The Airborne Toxic Event bumper stickers. He ground the gears for a few seconds (quite a trick in an automatic), and we lurched into traffic. His sudden entry into traffic flow caused some kind of accident behind us. A "Croc" sandal flew into the air. Probably not a big loss to society.
"I fucking hate cops", he snarled, "They're all the same."
"Yeah, whatever, you Goddamn animal. Just get us to Brown University...I have a steak & kidney pie on my mind."
EoC drove like a man possessed, weaving from lane to lane. At one point, we were on the sidewalk. Then down an alley, trash flying skyward in our wake.
"What the fuck is it with you and that miserable English 'food', Rev?"
"I'm trying to stay in touch with my roots", I began, "Oh, shit."
A cop car had swung in behind us, it's lights flashing.
"Fuck THAT noise", he grated, screeching at high speed into another alleyway. The cop made the curve, but sent a pedestrian flying into the side of the adjacent building.
I heard a muffled thumping coming from the trunk. Apparently, the horse tranquilizer we gave Richter had worn off. Great. Just fucking great. The fucker had already sharpened the gear selector, the cigarette lighter, and the valet parking attendant...Which meant we had to park ourselves, which meant that EoC got a ticket like always. And, as always, he lost his temper and we were on the run again. Again.
Three more cop cars, now. EoC was screaming incomprehensibly as he slammed through traffic. He was talking to someone who wasn't in the car, I think. Crazy bastard. This always happens to me on vacation.
There was a loud BANG and the car slewed sideways...We had lost the left front tire. We slid gracelessly into a light pole and ate airbag. Worse, the trunk popped open.
Everything seemed to come to a standstill as I crawled out of the car. EoC slid out the other side. Three police were standing, guns drawn, behind the open doors of their car. "PUT YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM", one of them yelled.
A faint giggling came from the trunk.
"HAW HAW!", I yelled, "YOU HIPPIES ARE IN FOR IT NOW!"
"Wat", the cop responded...As Richter came flying out of the trunk with a razor sharp spare tire. For the sake of human decency, I will not describe the events that immediately followed this...Let's just say the widows & orphans fund took a beating that day.
Five minutes later, the three of us were driving away in a stolen squadcar. EoC was bent over the wheel, while behind us, Richter tried to stick his tongue through the grating separating the front and back seats. Richter was saying something, but it just came out as "fuh fuh fuh".
I never got my fucking steak & kidney pie, either.
Bastards.
