Tales from the Cutting Edge

[Doktor Howl]

Okay, this is basically the continuation of the Billy Saga, but without Billy.  More dispatches from the front lines of hostile technology

So I quit.  I walked away from the MIC.  No more killer drones for me.  I am a changed man; I am here to help.

The new job is with a small company that thinks they are Boston Dynamics, and the project I was dropped into is for a rescue robot for people buried under collapsed buildings, parking garages, landslides,etc.

It looks like a large wheeled box with a giant Hentai tentacle thing coming out of it.  On the end of the tentacle, there is a rotary device that allows deployment of five items.

1.  A drilling auger.
2.  A chemical sniffer (to see if a body is alive or has begun decomposition.
3.  A ground penetrating radar module.
4.  An air line for flooding a void with fresh air.
5.  A microphone/speaker attachment for communication with trapped individuals.

The process goes like this:

1.  External GPF finds likely targets (voids).
2.  The Hentai thingie snakes its way through the rubble, using the auger when necessary.
3.  When it reaches the void, it rotates the sniffer to see if the target is alive or dead.
4.  Notify the operator of said status.
5.  If the target is dead, flag it in memory and go to the next void.
6.  If the target is alive, rotate the air line and the communications array in and provide air and coms to the trapped individual, while the crew above decides on the best method to free the trapped person.

I arrived before the first simulated test, which involved a large tank of rubble with a manikin inside dosed with the correct signatures for a live body.  Other voids contained air or water or methane.  The test performed as follows.

1.  Tentacle arrives at void with manikin. 
2.  Tentacle notifies the surface crew of the live victim.
3.  Rotates sensor head to air line and coms.
4.  Wait.

Only step three didn't happen.  Instead replace step 3 with:

3.  Rotate augur back into position, drill through manikin, and continue to the next void.

Needless to say, a lot of the people who thought I was a peer were not very happy about this.  I laughed, and they said many rude things to me, not yet knowing I am the director of their entire department.  I had asked that this not be announced before I got a feel for things.

In my guise as "unknown new guy" I suggested doing an autopsy on the Hentai Death Machine.  I was shouted down, and over the next two days, they slew two more manikins.

So I called them via Teams to attend a meeting in the conference room.  Pizza would be available.  Their self-esteem, sadly, not so much.

As they showed up, they asked me where the new director was.  Bear in mind that these people had spent the last 30 or so working hours hurling all manner of abuse at me.  I don't care, of course, but they don't know that.  I just smile, and watch their faces sink.

"Greetings. I am Doktor Howl, and I have come to you from the world of weaponized robotics.  Having arrived, I don't see any functional difference, other than your targets can't dodge."

*angry faces*

"However, I have looked over the project plans, and I believe I have found the problem."

*Immediate chaos and finger pointing*

"Please close your mouths. This isn't a conversation.  You are attempting to fix blame on each other, like a bunch of senior Russian officials, and this is none of your fault."

*suspicious looks*

"You spec'd the junction boxes as 'waterproof' and our purchasing agent saw that 'weatherproof' was half the cost of waterproof, and did not know the difference.  What's more, he didn't know there was a difference to be known.  He decided that he was an engineer or a technician thing whereas in the sidereal universe, he is a purchasing thing.  He is not hostile, but his KPIs are."

One engineer:  "So we've been flooding the controls and causing either a short or an open."

"Precisely.  You will prove my hypothesis by removing the water from the tank and trying again."

Next day, tank dry, test succeeds.  Back into the meeting room.

"I have ordered, though the purchaser, the correct NEMA rating for waterproof enclosures."

"So they're on order?"

"Not yet.  The purchaser felt the need to argue his point; to double down on being wrong.  This is a form of arrogance, and arrogance is a form of stupidity.  It also lowers your price tag.  As such, Purchaser thing has a new title and slightly different pay.  As our new Incompetence Coordinator, Phil has elected to sulk.  So I will order the boxes tonight.  And tomorrow is a new day."

"You changed his title to "incompetence coordinator?"

"Yes.  It seemed appropriate."

"It seems unhinged.  What did HR say to all this?"

"HR was not happy about it but complied. Those of you smarter than lichen will understand the implications of that compliance."

"Um.  We're fucked?"

"Of course not.  We're going to do great things."

[chaotic neutral observer]

Woo!  I love these threads.

In my guise as "unknown new guy" I suggested doing an autopsy on the Hentai Death Machine.  I was shouted down, and over the next two days, they slew two more manikins.

Their debug culture definitely needs improvement.  "Take it apart and see if anything looks wrong" should have been their first reaction.  Well, maybe second, after "check the cables".

[Doktor Howl]

Woo!  I love these threads.

In my guise as "unknown new guy" I suggested doing an autopsy on the Hentai Death Machine.  I was shouted down, and over the next two days, they slew two more manikins.

Their debug culture definitely needs improvement.  "Take it apart and see if anything looks wrong" should have been their first reaction.  Well, maybe second, after "check the cables".

The first response was to screech that each of them were surrounded by incompetents.

And what do you know?  They were all right.

[Faust]

3.  Rotate augur back into position, drill through manikin, and continue to the next void.

I nearly blacked out laughing at this,  this story has a silver lining though, for me the scariest thing about the thought of being trapped in a cave or buried alive was slow dehydration or suffocating. Now it's the fresh he'll of the dark hentai monster seeking out out, that can rape, kill and finally/optionally rape you again.

[Doktor Howl]

3.  Rotate augur back into position, drill through manikin, and continue to the next void.

I nearly blacked out laughing at this,  this story has a silver lining though, for me the scariest thing about the thought of being trapped in a cave or buried alive was slow dehydration or suffocating. Now it's the fresh he'll of the dark hentai monster seeking out out, that can rape, kill and finally/optionally rape you again.

Relax.  Help is on the way.   

[Doktor Howl]

So I spent some time talking to the executive director today.  For the purposes of this story, we'll call her Sally.  Which is not her real name.

Sally:  "I saw you at lunch. You were jamming out on something in your ear pods and drawing what looked like our machine.  I just wanted to let you know that we don't allow people to work through their lunch hours.  That's your time."

Me:  "While I appreciate that change from my usual experience, I wasn't actually working.  I was indulging myself while listening to Icona Pop's 'We love it' on infinite repeat."

Sally (NOT her real name, stop saying that):  "Okay, so what were you doing?"

Me:  "Well, I figured that if we could rescue people with this robot, we could probably also do other things with it.

Sally:  "Like what?"

Me:  "Well, if your enemy is in a bunker, you could use this.  Locate the voids, drill in, and then flood the place with nitrogen."

Sally:  *Horrified expression*

Me:  "Yeah, I'm not okay."

Sally:  "umm...What was that bit about 'Icona Pop,' then?"

Me:  "Well, they took something good and made something horrible out of it, so they are an inspiration.  I mean, the whole idea started when I wondered that if we didn't like the person we were rescuing, we could have the coms module serenade them with old episodes of the Lawrence Welk Show."

Sally:  "Who is that?"

Me:  "It's what we old bastards had to listen to before music was invented."

Sally:  "Fine.  I just need you to know that we build machines that HELP people."

Me:  "Sure, sure, I was just indulging my hobby on my time, as you say.  I knew you really didn't want a taste of that sweet, sweet DARPA money.  It's filthy stuff and it comes in huge, indigestible chunks."

Sally: "Um."

Me:  "No, Sally, stick to your principles.  There's nothing there but mountains of bloody lucre."

Sally:  "You should get out of my office now.  This is the weirdest conversation I have ever had in my life."

Me:  "This is all normal, Sally."

[Doktor Howl]

Sally:  "I admit I am curious, just how much would something like this go for with DARPA?"

Me:  "Not telling you."

Sally:  "Why the hell not?"

Me:  "Because if I do, by this time next year you will be calculating deaths per kilogram of RDX."

Sally:  "I will not!  I'm just curious."

Me:  *stares for 2 seconds too long*.

Sally:  *Stares back in boss*

Me:  "Why this is hell, nor am I out of it"

Sally:  "I actually caught that reference."

Me:  "We're going to do great things."

[Doktor Howl]

Project meeting today:

Sally (NOT her real name):  "Okay, Hamish, nice work on the bottleneck on the rescue drone.  I'm moving you onto the new program."

Me:  "Okay."

Sally:  "No weaponizing it."

Me:  *gas face*

Sally:  "Seriously.  Also, I don't think this CAN be weaponized."

Me:  "Is that a fucking challenge?"

Sally:  "No.  Anyway, we're using the old Boston Dynamics 'dog' chassis as a search and rescue bot.  The idea is to use 6 of them, which will most efficiently search in a pattern in a given area of wilderness for the missing subject."

Me:  "Unnnnnnng"

Sally:  "Are you okay?"

Incompetence Coordinator Phil:  "He doesn't look okay."

Me:  "unnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng"

Sally:  "Hamish! Snap out of it."

Me:  "Sorry.  It's just that you told me to not weaponize what is already the best weapons system since the toilet drone."

Sally:  "The WHAT?"

Me:  "Ask yourself if you're better off knowing about that."

Sally:  "..."

Me:  "This is all normal, Sally."

Sally:  "What?  No it is..."

Me"  "Shhh.  It's robot doggie pack time."

[chaotic neutral observer]

Sally:  "Seriously.  Also, I don't think this CAN be weaponized."

Oh, she is adorable.

[Doktor Howl]

I am at the moment taking a break from the voice programming for the doggie thing.

I chose a little girl voice to tell the victim that "help is on the way."  I thought it would be awesome to have them all say it at exactly the same time.  And it was.

Buth then I tried putting them 1/2 second out of sync with each other, and the hair on the back of my neck stood straight up.

Success is always nice.

[Doktor Howl]

Things my boss said this morning:

"No, rescue doggies do not go BRRRRRRT."

"Your proposal was one paragraph long, with a 60 page appendix.  What the hell is wrong with you?"

"That's not a flowchart, that's a map of hell."

[Doktor Howl]

Zoom meeting today.  I left my camera on by mistake.

Sally (NOT her real name):  "Hamish, your camera is on and...what the hell are you doing?"

Me:  "I am dancing the Macarena."

Sally:  "Why are you dancing the Macarena?"

Me:  "It's part of my fitness routine."

Sally:  "But there's no music.  How are you doing that?"

Me: "The music has been loaded in my head since 1992.  It's like Bios. If you reboot me, that's the first thing that comes up."

Sally:  "..."

Me:  "Can we get on with the meeting?"

Sally:  "Turn your camera off."

Me:  "I'm stung."

Sally.  "Off.  Camera.  Now.  Fucking."

Me:  "This is all normal, Sally."

Sally:  "That's not my name."

Me:  "Maybe in the sidereal universe it isn't.  But in the Hamverse it is."

Sally:  "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Me:  "Nothing wrong with me. Nothing wrong with me."

Sally:  "..."

Me:  "Something's got to give."

Sally:  *hangs up*

Me:  "Let the bodies hit the floooooooooooooor!"

[Doktor Howl]

Meeting with my boss.  I am told to bring my lunch with me and my tablet.

This should be good.

[Doktor Howl]

Meeting:

Old business: 2 hours.

New business:

Sally (NHRN):  "I was up all night last night, and I have decided that humans are not to be rescued.  Hamish was right, and robot doggies should go BRRRRRT."

Me: "I'll just get started on the paperwork, shall I?"

Incompetence Coordinator Phil:  "Wait.  What happened?"

Sally:  "What the fuck do you THINK just happened?"

ICP (love that acronym):  "The election?  What's wrong with that?"

*dead silence*

ICP:  "Things are going to get better in this country."

Me:  *GRIN*

Sally:  "No, Phil, things are not.  And before you open your jaw with some MAGA nonsense, I want you to very carefully read the expression on my face."

ICP:  "Wait.  You guys all voted for Harris?"

*Nine people nod*

Me:  "Just saying, ICP, you should very carefully consider the next thing you say."

ICP:  "Why?  I have the right to choose the way I vote, and I voted for Trump."

*Seven people grimace, 1 scowls, 1 GRINS even harder*

ICP:  "This isn't fair."

Me:  "OH MY GAWD HE'S FUCKING ADORABLE!"

Sally:  "There is no 'fair'.  You should walk out of this conference room and go coordinate some incompetence."

Me:  *jaw drop*

HR:  *jaw drop*

ICP: *leaves*

Me:  "Oh my god, Boss, we're going to do GREAT THINGS."

Sally:  "You can call me Sally now."

HR:  "But your name is..."

Sally: "My name is Sally.  And by this time tomorrow, I want ideas for mayhem."

Me:  "I have a bunch of..."

Sally:  "I know you do Hamish. Everything about you smells of death.  You're SICK.  But now I need everyone else to be sick. We will all be sick forever."

*room full of worried engineers*

Me:  "Relax, ladies and gentlemen.  This is all normal.  Anyways, I have about a million forms to fill out, and I need all of you to come by in alphabetical order by last name at 30 minute intervals so I can make sure you'll pass the federal background checks and whatnot."

Juan:  "I can't. I'm not a citizen."

Sally:  "If you can't, you can't.  You'll still have a job."

Juan:  "Doing what?"

Sally: "Finding sick clients.  We have two solid leads and Hamish knows every sick bastard in the country.  In the meantime, you still have to finish the doggies as they are to satisfy the grant. Meeting dismissed."

I can barely contain myself.

[Doktor Howl]

Doggie ideas to be submitted.

1.  Bigass gun in place of doggie's head.  Been done, still a solid idea.
2.  Doggies play hide and seek.  Then explode.
3.  Doggies go into a trench line or similar place and then go dormant until battery power is at 20% (then they return for a recharge) or until someone without an IFF transponder jumps into the hole.  Then they become razor blade doggies.
4.  Doggies spot one guy, doggies follow guy until he's with his mates.  Then explodey.
5.  Doggies armed with stingers, move around periodically, shoot at anything that flies without a transponder.


And then

AND THEN

6.  Doggies have a HEAT round in their face.  They slump over dormant until they register vehicle sounds.  Then run at target and launch heat rounds.  Small changes make this work on infantrymen.

I HAVE INVENTED STARCRAFT SPIDER MINES!  YOU MAY ALL NOW START SCREAMING FOREVER.