Solutions for the Palestinian - Israeli conflict

[East Coast Hustle]

copylefted from the Moscow-based expat publication "The Exile"

I don't know why I need to inflict this on you all, but I do. sorry.

Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Lacks Humor

The recent escalation of violence in the West Bank and Gaza Strip, in which Israeli soldiers are alleged to have killed hundreds of Palestinians in response to successive suicide bombings, has left the Bush Administration with no option but to vigorously engage the warring parties and try to bring about peace.

The reason is simple. The Israeli-Palestinian war is not funny. In fact, it's not funny at all.

When a suicide bomber straps TNT to his chest, walks into a crowded bus, and sets his charge off, peeling the roof off of a bus "like a tin can" and sending body parts "flying 250 yards away," leaving a "scene of indescribable horror," this is not funny. What would be funny would be if the disgruntled Palestinian terrorist were to board a bus in Haifa brandishing a giant bottle of seltzer water, indiscriminately spraying Jews in the face. He could walk down the aisle, spraying a hard stream of seltzer water into the faces of innocent women and children while yelling "Allah Akhbar!" Passengers would scream, believing at first that the seltzer water was a deadly chemical compound, and this would increase the comic effect to crescendo - particularly when, for the climax of his joke, he would open his jacket, revealing several large red tubes tied around his waist, and, upon pressing a red button, the tube tops would pop open...and out would spring several green snake puppets.

At this moment, the joke would be clear to everyone. The Palestinian terrorist would drop his actor's rage, burst out laughing in such a manner that his body would go limp as he'd lean forward in a crouched position, holding one hand to his stomach because it would hurt. At this point his laugh would be a high-pitched laugh (you know how sometimes men laugh in a high-pitched tone when they really find something funny), shake his head, wiping his eyes from laughter. He could, if he's laughing too hard, hold his hand out and rotate it left-to-right as if to say "Stop! Stop everything! I can't keep this joke going any longer!", then finally he'd sit down and explain to the terrified passengers that all along, he was only spraying them with seltzer water.

When the police arrive to storm the bus, the Palestinian could grab a hostage, hold her in front of him, aim the seltzer bottle out of a bus window, and spray the Israeli policemen.

Within minutes, the police would lob a stun grenade into the bus, storm it, pull the Palestinian out, smash his seltzer water bottle over his head, and beat him mercilessly while applying electric shock to his testicles. They would drag him, bleeding, around a corner, beat him more, then shoot him several times in the face and chest at close range and crush his skull and jaw in with the butts of their guns. They would continue to beat and abuse his body long after he is dead; beneath and around the body a pool of viscous blood would form. Chunks of brain matter, skull and tissue that had been shot or beaten off of his corpse would form small islands in the blood. His body would be dragged to a mass grave, stripped, dumped, and burned with gasoline, while extremist Jewish settlers in the distance would scream "Death To Arabs!"

This would not be funny.

The Israeli police must not beat a Palestinian terrorist to death if he attacks a crowded bus with a bottle of seltzer water. What they must do is pull him off the bus, point a gun at his face, cock and pull the trigger... out of which would pop a large flag with the word "Bang!" emblazoned it. Or maybe it should be a water pistol. Yeah, a water pistol. So water would come out. No wait, that's too much like the Palestinian's seltzer joke. You can't really have two similar jokes like that next to each other. That wouldn't be as funny. Probably the "Bang!" flag would be funnier. What do you think?

Did you ever see the movie Caddyshack? That was a pretty funny movie. Do you remember that scene when the guy threw the Baby Ruth candy bar into the swimming pool, and everyone thought it was a piece of poo, so they all screamed and jumped out of the pool, and then later they had the groundskeeper Bill Murray clean the pool and then he finds the Baby Ruth bar and eats it, but that snotty old lady who sees him eating the candy bar thinks it's a piece of poo so she faints? Remember that? It was pretty funny. You had to have seen it, but seriously, it was funny. If you see it, let us know what you thought of that scene.

Once, there was this guy we knew, Bob... Bob something-or-other. When we were in high school, Bob spent a week recording all the farts he made at home. Then he brought a boom box to school, stood in the hall over by the language lab, and played the tape so that everyone could hear him fart. There would be a high-pitched squeaky fart, followed by the sound of the recording button clicking, then background noise and a different fart, this one louder and more trumpet-like. That was pretty funny. Bob was voted "Funniest Guy" in his class in his senior year.

Today, Bob works as a manager at Circuit City in the Home Theater System department. He makes $52,000 a year, but this is not enough for him to afford a house in Hayward. He rents a one-bedroom condominium, where he lives alone. His wife and daughter left him six years ago because he drinks too much and he doesn't have a lot of ambition. He watches a lot of TV - he got a 15% discount on his home theater system - and eats takeout Chinese food from Lee's at the Westgate Mall just down the street. The chicken comes with steamed white rice, a fortune cookie and a white plastic fork, and it costs $5.95. Sometimes the chicken makes him fart. It's not funny when Bob farts alone, at age 38, in his white-walled condominium, with the air-conditioner on, eating takeout Kung Pao Chicken and watching A&E's "U-Boats: Terror on Our Shores". It's not funny at all. It's not even possible for Bob to be funny anymore. If Bob had any sense left, he'd switch off the TV, unbutton his Dockers and his white short-sleeved dress shirt, strap several sticks of dynamite around his tire-like waist, button his clothes back up, march into his Circuit City during the weekend Spring Sale, scream, "Uh-oh, I think I'm gonna fart!" with a big smile on his face... light a match next to his ass, and blow the whole fucking place up with everyone inside, tearing the roof off like a tin fucking can. That would be the greatest fart of Bob's life. The fart we'd all remember him by.

[Cain]

I dont know why either.  At first, I thought it might veer off into the possibilities on non-violent protest that may be used to gain more favourable international opinion, but alas, it wasnt to be.  I wonder if I can fob this off though as a legitmate paper in my next International Relations class :

[East Coast Hustle]

someone else had that avatar a while back...

either Delusion or Akousia hte Lesser, can't remember which...

[Cain]

Delusion, Ive stolen it until I can find a better one or Delusion asks for it back.  The guy with the sword was annoying me.

[agent compassion]

Interesting.

People need to have a sense of humor, though, I mean, they takes themselves waaaay too seriously.

[Cain]

It woud improve a peaceful resolution, in some ways.  Quirky, non-violent protests could not be met with military force, as it would draw a worldwide condemnation. The Israelis and palestinians woudl have to go to the negotiating table, or the Israeli position woudl collapse on the matter.

[Horab Fibslager]

i wrot e on this two years ago. my curent opinion is they should both stfu and get the fuck along. fuckin n00bs. as ff it they can;t decide on soem kind of game balance thenj send 16 on each team into a balnced area to fuckin damnwell duke it out fuckin fuckers. as if the panzees think they can ever beitch about it in my gawddamned prsence. i mean wtf? might as ewel be goin all roger on ths biznatch! fuckin cuntass sloppyloosepussy bitches, do theyu even knwo the excercises? i spsoe not, too busy bein n00bs obn both sidfes. fucks. i can;t even say hwo disgusted i am by palestinians' lack iof aim or isreali's lack of sportsmanship.ffs, do you think these fucks even read their own gawddamned dogam? panze asse mofos, the both of em all of em, all of yyou. fuck you all, fuckers, and lick my asshoes, yeah tyhat's the spot, eat my feces fuckers!

[Malaul]

horab + beer = amazing and horrible at the same time

[Hoshiko]

Horab-on-beer would make for interesting peace talks with the Palestinians.

I think it's worth a shot. Israelis take note:

do you think these fucks even read their own gawddamned dogam? panze asse mofos, the both of em all of em, all of yyou. fuck you all, fuckers,

Diplomatic Gold.

[East Coast Hustle]

horab fucking PWNS.

just saying.

[Horab Fibslager]

thx, but whatever. thsoe fucks should learn the fuck to get along.

if i were soem kind of rotten diplomat, i'd let my tanks tdo the talking.  i'd tell em , you fucks be nice, or else i'm skull fucking your entire country with a nuke, then salting the fucking land.

[Chef]

The reason is simple. The Israeli-Palestinian war is not funny. In fact, it's not funny at all.

TROOF.  IT'S GONE ALL STALE, LIKE WATCHING MOE POKE LARRY IN THE EYE OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

NO ORGINALITY.

WORSTEST WAR EVAR.

CHEF DIESEL,
EXPECTS MORE FROM HIS ENTERTAINMENT.

[Donkeyotay]

Bumped as per request

[Chef]

Bumped as per request

STILL A BORING WAR, THO.