Keep your stupid questions to your stupid self.

[BADGE OF HONOR]

Well, it certainly was questionable.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

So what, Mister Dobbs, we're "in shape for the finals!!" Really, Mister Dobbs, just where is that long promised bucket of Pils(TM)? And tell me, "Bob", what about this Slack business?
Shouldn't the Hierarchical Slackholders be getting unearthly dividends on a REGULAR basis
by now? Or is it all really TOO much fun, "Bob"?

Whatever happened to "TOO MUCH IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN NOT ENOUGH"? Has there been Insider Trading in the Souls Repository in Dobbstown? Come on "Bob", remember us? We used to sell Fropmixture for you back in the OLD days. We've heard the old Dobbshead SnakeOil Routine before; we know ALL about the Bleeding Head of A.P. ... But when will it come, is what we want to know. When shall the fabled Luckplane tilt, and when shall things begin at last to flow to all, all, all of us who, despite the perilous times in which we do live, cleave unto you still?

X-Day is coming closer, Dobbs, you haven't got all day to the end of the world, have you? So hadn't you better get cracking, Mister Dobbs? Don't you think it's time to get your ass out of PARTY mode and back up the crack? Heuuunnnh!!?

Or just fuckin' KILL ME, Mister Dobbs!!

Think we haven't done our paperwork, "Bob"? Think we don't know ALL the scams by now?
Think we're just like all those dipshit Bobbies out there, Mister Dobbs? You better think again, Pipe-face!! You better remove your Dobbshead from your old Dobbsass and do it while you've still got the chance. We're tired of solutions, our veins are going flat, we want leadership AND the bucket of pils you promised. So what if we never sent you the $20 -- big deal! We're not the Zombies, Mister Dobbs, we're the Liararchy, the ones who hung it all over the electrified razorwire fence for you, DUDE! Tell us not that the check is in the mail, oh exalted master, lest you be smitten by the Stark Fist of Pretentiousness!!

Are you holding out on us, "Bob", or are you the fatuous, incompetent dipshit that you appear to be? Spare us the Con, "Bob". We don't believe in that shit any more. We're adults now, and we DO believe in monsters. Don't try and use GENETICS as a cheap excuse!!

And enough of this REVEALED WISDOM crap, Mister Dobbs. That puts you right up there with Joseph Smith and Donald Regan Don't you think it's time you leveled with us, "Bob"? Or don't you think you CAN level with us, Mister Dobbs? The lone and level sands stretch far away, "Bob", and you seem to be still refueling your camel. Don't you think you can tell us, "Bob"? We ARE in shape for the finals. We have filled out the form. We have endured the vicissitudes of being members of your ridiculous cult. Now, where's the check, Mister Dobbs? Where are the groupies? What happened to the mutant sex kittens?

Are you trying to run the same MIRACLE ELIXIR routine on us that you pull on the Bobbies?

Do you consider us ALL pipe fodder, Dude??

Then maybe you better have a good look around you, Mister Dobbs! Reconsider your style while you check the contents of your safe. Who placed the charges just right? Who got you the Kevlar body armor for the Night of Slack Death revival? And who made sure that three different clones from three different places all made it to the county coroner's cold slab? Yeah, Dude, we're talking about what was supposed to happen and what really happened! So now certain documents aren't where they're supposed to be. Certain
guaranties of residual percentages are no more. It's a whole new game, Mister Dobbs. This ain't no illiterate hillbilly putsch a la Billy amuels and his cretinous ilk. Oh no, Mister Dobbs, this is rot from WITHIN your sacred system, this is the AIDS of the Church of the SubGleemious! This is the real shit, or as they say in Nicaragua, LA CACA VERDAD!!!

So think about that, Mister Dobbs. Think about spreading the wealth a little, or losing it ALL!! You may think this is an idle threat, but it isn't, Dude. NOOOO! This in a genuine phenomenon that crept up on you and your shoddy little scribe while you were playing Ninety-Day Messiah and he was brown-nosing the Eastern publishing Conspiracy!

The pure and perfect order of the universe according to Dobbs has been suborned and perverted. We are the only ones left to clean things up! (Take this as a warning.) Time is running short, you have been notified once; there is NO second warning. Repent, quit your graft, jack off! We want to see you coming instead of going. We're tired of that routine about the pyramid money-scam funds being transferred to our accounts every Monday. Oh yes, the old Dobbshead pops out, regular as clockwork, makes the same old tired promises and we get a headache that lasts all year!!  Meanwhile you aren't even keeping track of the things that have happened since we helped you fake that assassination. Oh well, easy come easy go, hey, Mister Dobbs? Listen up, you simpering
pipefaced fuck, you're gonna fry in the inner regions of the worst fundamentalist-inspired hell, and there won't be any Pils(TM), asshole!

Do you really think that crapulous old Philo can still act as your shield? Forget it, buddy! We turned him around with a color TV, an electric guitar and a sixpack of NP years ago! And not only does he have all the access codes to the banks in Zurich, Kyoto AND Glen Rose, but he can still write checks on them!!!  Better look again, Mister Dobbs, you've been Conned as badly as those Pinks and Bobbies that you've been conning for all these years. While the sycophantic faction of the Church has been indulging in self-congratulatory, masturbatory "stage productions", the hardcorps few that made you what you are have been doing the REAL work of the Church.

We've got the negatives and the edited masters. XEROXES? Who the fuck cares about grainy second and third generation bulldada???

We're calling the shots now, "BOB", it's our script, better call your lapdogs to heel and back off, sucker! This ain't no jiveass realtime video show, this if for REEL and we'll reel you in with that big, stainless steel hook jammed right up your pipe! And having that pathetic little hyperthyroid, Stang, write a letter refuting all this as some kind of JOKE will do you no good whatsoever, Mister Dobbs. He can't write a coherent sentence without that word processor you had grafted onto his nervous system. And his discs aren't the only thing about him that's floppy!!!

It's really too bad that you couldn't appreciate where the real talent lay, and now you're stuck with a New York jockpreacher and a burned out po'bucker hack. You coulda had religion, Mister Dobbs, but all you got was a cheap joke and a yawping lipfart. Ah, well, we should have known better than to trust any asshole born before World War Two. Too bad you've been playing the game all these years with only half a dick... er, deck that is, SIR! And don't think that punched-out old slut Connie will help you at all; all she wants is a stiff bank account and personal organ lessons. Sterno has been giving her the best of all possible worlds for years, and that ain't Arcturan Poontang we're talking about, Bub!!

You have been informed, dipshit, and we hope you change your ways! Now, excuse us as we have to finish dissecting the Janor Device. Once we get the SpoutChip out and duplicate it, you won't even have that psychobabbling neuroturd to front for you anymore. We got him with a simple promise of work in Las Vegas -- so much for the integrity of the Hierarchy, Mister Dobbs. And "Bob", spare us that cheap song and dance about the Bleeding Head of A.P., he's already got a lawsuit ready to slam your ass in bankruptcy court! So much for Golfer Power, hey, Dude?

Hoping to hear from you SOON, Mister Dobbs.

Yours in the faith of the Church,

the nine who know!!!


EDITORS NOTE: WE'RE LAUGHING AT YOU, BOY.


This Is The Kind of Shit We Have To Put Up With Department

[Bella]

Well, it certainly was questionable.

You're a wise woman, Wenchmaster K

Here's the question of the moment:

How many fingers am I holding up?
And whose fingers were they before I got 'em?

[East Coast Hustle]

What kind of weird, synthetic drugs did Roger take before he wrote that?

[BADGE OF HONOR]

What makes you think he wrote that?

[The Good Reverend Roger]

What kind of weird, synthetic drugs did Roger take before he wrote that?

I didn't write it.

(I credited the CotSG, you might notice)

[BADGE OF HONOR]

Ha!  See?  I was right.

[East Coast Hustle]

Well, it certainly was questionable.

You're a wise woman, Wenchmaster K

Here's the question of the moment:

How many fingers am I holding up?
And whose fingers were they before I got 'em?

Threeve.
at least, that's how many of mine are missing right now...

[East Coast Hustle]

Ha!  See?  I was right.

well, anyway, I had to take some pretty strong drugs to read it...

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Ha!  See?  I was right.

well, anyway, I had to take some pretty strong drugs to read it...

Don't do drugs.

Give them to me.

[BADGE OF HONOR]

What, don't you want mine?

[The Good Reverend Roger]

What, don't you want mine?

Sure.  Too much is always better than not enough.

[Horab Fibslager]

some damned good subgeniii pieces there roger. you oughta rip off more for us.

[agent compassion]

http://www.uprightcitizens.org/43/index.html

I,    _______________
do hereby swear to embrace chaos, to disrupt the sedentary status quo at all costs, to fight the manipulative regulation of government and social norm. I will engage the narrow-minded and expose them for their ignorance. My allegiance to the Upright Citizens Brigade will be first and foremost herewithin. I was so frightened I almost ran away I didn't know that I could do Anything I needed to And then a bolt of lightning Hit me on my head Then I began to see I just needed to believe in me Now I, I believe in me And I, I believe in something more Than you can understand Yes, I believe in me They said I didn't stand a chance i wouldn't win no way But I've got news for you There's nothing I can't do Ain't no pretending Ain't no make believe But I've got to be the one I gotta do what must be done Don't think I believe in me Yes, I believe in me - yeah I don't need no money I don't need no fame....No I just need to believe in me And I know most definitely Don't need to get wasted It only holds me down I just need a will of my own And the balls to stand alone Don't think Well do you really Yes, I believe in me Do you do you Yes, I believe in me I wanna rock 'n roll Yes, I believe in me! In these times of contention it's not my intention to make things plain I'm looking through mirrors to catch the reflection that can't be mine I'm losing control now I'll just have to slow down a thought or two I can't feel the future and I'm not even certain that there is a past I believe in the worker's revolution And I believe in the final solution I believe in I believe in I believe in the shape of things to come And I believe in I'm not the only one Yes I believe in I believe in When I poison my system I take thoughts and twist them into shapes I'm reaching my nadir and I haven't an idea of what to do I'm painting by numbers but can't find the colours that fill you in I'm not even knowing if I'm coming or going if to end or begin I believe in the immaculate conception And I believe in the resurrection And I believe in I believe in UCB. I believe in the elixir of youth And I believe in the absolute truth Yes I believe in I believe in There is no love in this world anymore There is no love in this world anymore I've fallen from favour while trying to savour experience I'm seeing things clearly but it has quite nearly blown my mind It's the aim of existence to offer resistance to the flow of time Everything is and that is why it is will be the line I believe in perpetual motion And I believe in perfect devotion I believe in I believe in I believe in the things I've never had I believe in my Mum and my Dad And I believe in I believe in There is no love in this world anymore There is no love in this world anymore I'm skippin' the pages of a book that takes ages for the foreword to end Triangular cover concealing another aspect from view My relative motion is just an illusion from stopping too fast The essence of being these feelings I'm feeling I just want them to last I believe in original sin And I believe what I believe in Yes I believe in I believe in I believe in the web of fate And I believe in I'm going to be late So I'll be leavin' What I believe in There is no love in this world anymore There is no love in this world anymore There is no love in this world anymore There is no love in this world anymore There is no love in this world anymore There is no love in this world anymore There is no love in this world anymore There is no love in this world anymore I got a new life you would hardly recognize me I'm so glad how can a person like me care for you why do I bother when you're not the one for me is enough enough I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign life is demanding without understanding I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign no one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong but where do you belong Under the pale moon for so many years I've wondered who you are how can a person like you bring me joy under the pale moon where I see a lot of stars is enough enough I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign life is demanding without understanding I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign no one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong but where do you belong I saw the sign and it opened up my mind and I am happy now living without you I've left you I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign no one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign I used to think that I could not go on And life was nothing but an awful song But now I know the meaning of true love I'm leaning on the everlasting arms Don't think If I can see it, then I can do it If I just believe it, there's nothing to it I believe I can fly I believe I can touch the sky I think about it every night and day Spread my wings and fly away I believe I can soar I see me running through that open door I believe I can fly I believe I can fly I believe I can fly See I was on the verge of breaking down Sometimes silence, it can seem so loud There are miracles in life I must achieve But first I know it starts inside of me Now I have a story that I'd like to tell About this guy - You all know me - had me scared as hell He comes to me at night after I crawl into bed He's burnt up like a weeny and his name is Fred He wears the same hat and sweater every single day And even if it's hot outside - he wears it anyway He's home when I'm awake but he shows up when I'm asleep I can't believe that there's a nightmare on my street It was a Saturday evening if I remember it right And we had just gotten back off tour last night So the gang and I thought that it would be groove If we summoned up the posse and bum-rushed the movie I got Angie Jeff got tine Ready Rock got some girl I'd never seen In my life That was all right though 'cause the lady was chill Then we dipped to the theater set to ill Buggin', cool, having' a ball And somethin' 'bout Elm Street was the movie we saw The way it started was decent, ya know Nothin' real fancy About this homeboy named Fred and this girl named Nancy But - word - when it was over I said yo', that was def And everything seemed all right when we left But when I got home and laid down to sleep That began the nightmare on my street! It was burning in my room like a oven My bed soaked with sweat And man I was bugging I checked the clock and it stopped at twelve-thirty It had melted it was so darn hot And I was thirsty. I wanted something cool to quench my thirst I thought to myself, yo, this heat is the worst! But when I got downstairs I noticed something was wrong I was home all alone but the TV was on I thought nothing of it as I grabbed the remote I pushed the power buttonand then I almost choked When I heard this awful voice Coming from behind It said, "You got my favorite letter but now you must die!" Ma, I didn't even wait to see who it was Broke inside my drawers and screamed, "So long, cous'!" Got halfway up the block I calmed down and stopped screaming Then thought, "Oh, I git it, I must be dreaming" I strolled back home with a grin on my grill I think that since this is a dream I might as well get ill I walked in the house, the Big Bad Fresh Prince But Freddy killed all that noise real quick! he grabbed me by my neck and said "Here's what we'll do We gotta lotta work here, me and you The souls of your friends you and I will claim You've got the body and I've got the brain" I said, "Yo Fred I think you got me all wrong I ain't' partners with nobody with nails that long Look, I'll be honest,man, this team won't work The girls won't be on you, Fred, your face is all burnt!" Fred got mad and his head started steaming But I thought, "What the hell, I'm only dreaming" I said, "Please leave, Fred, so I can get some sleep But give me a call and maybe we'll hang out next week" I patted him on the shoulder and said, "Thanks for stoppin' by" Then I opened up the door And said, "Take care, guy!" He got mad, threw back his arm, and slashed my shirt I laughed at first, then thought, "Hold up, that hurt" It wasn't a dream, man, this guy was for real I said, "Freddy, uh, pal, there's been an awful mistake here" No further words and then I darted upstairs Crashed through my door then jumped on my bed Pulled the covers up over my head And said, "Oh please do something with Fred" He jumped on my bed, went through the covers with his claws Tried to get me, but my alarm went off And then silence It was a whole new day I thought, "Huh, I wasn't scared of him anyway" Until I noticed those rips in my sheets And that was proof that there had been A nightmare on my street O man, I gotta call Jeff, I gotta call Jeff Come on, come on Come on Jeff, answer! Come on, man Hello Jeff, this is Prince, man Jeff, wake up, Jeff, wake up What do you want? Jeff, wake up, man, listen to me, Jeff It's three o'clock in the morning Jeff, Jeff, would you listen to me? What? Listen, whatever you do, don't fall asleep Maaan Jeff,listen to me, don't go to sleep, Jeff No, NO, I talk to you tomorrow, I'm gong to bed Jeff! Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhhh! (Ha ha ha ha ha haaaa) Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Answer me, Jeff! I'm your UCB, now. Don't think.

[BADGE OF HONOR]

Now that is one solid block of text.