No subject was filled in.

[navkat]

It's not fair. I was really sweet and I got painted into some monster for no good reason...and no matter what I did to try to argue that point, it was taken as though I was proving the point. Winless situation. You stack the deck against me and reserve the right to judgement from your pillar while I squirm to prove my innocence...squirming which is seen as proof of guilt.

I deserved an apology for the cruel things that were said to Scarlet about me--things which, if we're being honest, aren't exactly true. Things which found themselves to my ear pretty immediately after being said. After all the times I'd been warned and all the times I defended you fiercely...Was it any wonder I was angry?

Have I no right to my feelings?

I think the truth of the matter is: I was right about more than a few things and anyone who shakes you--makes you question your own stubborn view for a moment--must be doing witchcraft. Or in your mind: manipulation.

After a while, I could do no right. None at all. Any interaction whatsoever was picked apart for ill will which was why I took a couple weeks to distance myself in the first place...which was seen as something else, no doubt.

I've thought about this endlessly...trashed my own sanity for what feels like decades and I know what I did wrong: pretending to be sooooo over it and acting like a flirtatious nutcase publicly was wrong. I sold me and was pretty fucking rude to you. Acting out my pain publicly at all was pretty rude and stupid. There are, a million shameful, whorish, dirty and humiliating acts and positions I've been in since then to which I'll readily admit. But what I never ever ever ever did was anything intentional to take from you or coerce you.

I have to stand up for that...because it's the truth.

I have needed you as a friend so many times since then and I have to just deal. I have been a good friend up until now...have asked for little or nothing and now I need. I need because I've been through so much disaster in the last year, I don't even know how to function anymore. I need.

I need the unconditional, non-judgmental, loyal friendship I provided. I need.

I needed you to give me a break. Allow me some time to regulate before you judge 5 years on 6 ugly weeks.

The cold truth is, I think maybe Scarlet was right: you were finished with me the moment I let slip the truth. Why am I having such a hard time understanding that? I was used. Simple.

The mindfuck in all of this is that it's taken me months to stack up the evidence and compare facts and conclude that I have no choice but to see..to understand this horrid thing everyone tells me to accept may, in fact, be true of you. All it took was a few days for you to convince yourself of some evil tale that never happened.

I still miss being yr companion...mates ambling down the street together...or off on some adventure. I still can't believe. There is still some helpless, clueless, well-meaning, naive, little idiot that that thinks this has got to be a huge misunderstanding. That somehow, at some point the truth will come out and I'll get a call and it'll be you, saying sorry for being quick to judge: (I forgive so easily and so completely!) that you maybe should have listened a little more and colored a little less. That in hindsight, the things you believed never really added up since, you know, I expended so much energy for years trying to hide the fact that I was anything but fine (and this is part of the reason why).

But that won't happen because there's no such thing as fair. There's no such thing as people wanting to do right. There was nothing of any long-term worth in this to you and so there's no desire to make small repairs to maintain the investment. Of course you don't feel you owe me friendship and understanding, I've been written off. It was easy.

And so I'm coming to terms with the fact that maybe my anger is a good thing. Maybe what I need is a little dose of pissed-off.

(But I still miss...)

I need to just start knowin' what my eyes are seein'

(So many funny things I want to tell you...)

I need to wake up and drink a big, stupid mug of "you don't care."

This little girl inside has been smacked in the face so much, it doesn't sting anymore...doesn't shock and offend. It fails as a wake-up call and that's the fucking problem.

(don't care)

Not fair.

(don't care don't care don't care!)

I need to get angry enough to create some fucking rules and stick to them.

[Doktor Howl]

To whom are you speaking?

[navkat]

To whom are you speaking?

I think it's an amalgamation of myself, another person and a whole lot of other people who have pissed me of but who-because of my wimpering, afraid-to-get-mad nature, I have allowed to slippppppp past.

I don't have a container to hold it all anymore and it's spilling out. I often feel like I need to snap so I throw a blanket over it. What results is a mess of blown-up body parts and blood no one ever sees.

I have no legs.

This is me, donning the proper PPE and, shoveling some of that slop into trash cans. Documenting my findings and calling it what it is.

[East Coast Hustle]

Stop hanging out with shitheads.

Problem solved.

ETA: that's not meant to be as dismissive as it probably sounds, it's just solid advice.

[Doktor Howl]

To whom are you speaking?

I think it's an amalgamation of myself, another person and a whole lot of other people who have pissed me of but who-because of my wimpering, afraid-to-get-mad nature, I have allowed to slippppppp past.

I don't have a container to hold it all anymore and it's spilling out. I often feel like I need to snap so I throw a blanket over it. What results is a mess of blown-up body parts and blood no one ever sees.

I have no legs.

This is me, donning the proper PPE and, shoveling some of that slop into trash cans. Documenting my findings and calling it what it is.

Sometimes it helps if you headbutt a motherfucker.

Just saying.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

What's the appropriate PPE for headgames whiplash?

[Don Coyote]

What's the appropriate PPE for headgames whiplash?

Cheap whiskey and rock n roll.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

What's the appropriate PPE for headgames whiplash?

Cheap whiskey and rock n roll.

Sounds like a plan.