I can't read Sermon 15/ rant #88

[Bella]

It has clowns in it.  

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

It has clowns in it.  

But you have been given clown immunity....


here

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

Here's the de-clowned version:

Sermon on Eristicism 15 / Rant 88:
May Cthulhu's Underwear Eat You;
(The Jihad is a Dead Horse and In Beating It You Have Infected Yourself With Plague)

"Being a Discordian is no excuse for being an asshole."
-Rev. Verthaine (paraphrased)

You have laxed in your false slack for so long that you deem yourselves children of chaos. You have confused jakery with jerkery. You have complained and whined about how no one accepts you, yet you claim to have taken after a goddess how was snubbed by all. (You have failed to see how nobody likes an asshole. You want to have all the acclaim of being an asshole, but you don't want to take any of the crap that comes with the blowblack.) You are a jumbled knot of mis-understood categories in your attempts to enslave chaos to your pathetic projects. Chaos cares nothing for you and every now and then will reach in to smite those of you who like to fancy yourselves as chaotic or as "chaoists" just for the sheer change it would cause. (If it could even be said that chaos has a mind to do anything.)

You call yourselves Discordians while acting all bold and grand online, practicing your e-thuggery as if anything you did could ever matter. You proclaim yourselves better than the herd or smarter or more Erisian...shit, don't even try to lie. Even when you say that you have no fucking clue and so neither should anyone else claim to have a clue, you are pretending to be better or smarter or whatever. You are like all the snot nosed young kids these days who get into chaos magic and then go around pretending to be all smart by saying stupid shit like "Anyone who says they know what chaos magic is is themselves full of shit," and other tired old cliches gleaned from the back-alley crack whores of decades old bad poetry.

You call yourselves Discordians and assume for yourselves some sort of spurious identity simply because you can hijack forums, or email lists, or chatrooms, or whatever else that any five year old can do. (The above things can be fun, but some of you all seem to think that that's all there is to do. And you get hissy when people get bothered by it.) You brandish yourselves as if you were some virulent plague that people (the normals, or the greys, or the pinks) would cower from. But the world could not give a shit about your existence. Trust me, if anyone really cowered from your pretensions, your ass would be toast in Donald Rumsfeld's Palace of Tortures. If the world even cared about such a thing as Eris or the Discordian Society, it would be smashed without a forethought. Remember that, all you would-be revolutionaries, online erisian militia commanders, and other such excuses for wasting time.

You are yourselves the snubbers of Eris. No one else can snub Her but you yourselves. (Just like no one else can be greyfaced but you yourselves. (And why worry about anyone else who is greyfaced? Or haven't you been introduced to any Erisian mantras and such. ) But don't worry about Her. She couldn't give a shit at the moment. But some of us just might. (Hell, I'll even introduce you to some Erisian liturgies and encyclicals even though some of you are still filthy heathen uninitiates. Yes I reserve the right to call you names as per my Papal Right. And so do you in vice versa.)

You spout all the tired and worn supposed truisms about how each one of you has the right to find their own way towards freedom, yet when faced with people who are different, or too "emo," or "occult," or mystical, or mad, or angry or [insert your favorite term for 'no-good-shit' here]...when faced with someone who is just a little bit different from you, or just a little bit too whatever-it-is-you-don't-like, you attack and whine and wheeze in your attempted railings and rantings against them. And yet, you still have the nerve to call yourselves Discordians? Isn't it about everyone finding their own way? Or did that detail get lost in your vapid attempts to be more cool or to be more avant guard or more 'culturally adventurous' as you picked the bones of your supposed fellow Discordians clean like the rabid vultures you really are? Admit it, once and for all, you nest of pathetic half-wit attempts at being vipers! You pretend to be rolling golden apples but if one comes your way, you immediately destroy any significance it has for you. And we want you to know that THAT is precisely the reason why Eris is spitting you back up and out. A snub for a snub, my friends, enemies, and damned things...you should know by now how Her game is played. This is the new Erisian Dispensation. Forget all about how easy it is to digest the half raved words of tripping hippies and then to pose as the successors. Forget about how much cooler or more chic or more advanced you are. Because your shit still stinks and your snot still needs to be blown from your sinus cavities so that your pineal glands can have that merest chance of being resurrected from the fields of lifeless attention deficit disorders and viral 'holier-than-thou' thoughts in which you have imprisoned them.

We have offered you, time after time, enlightenment on a silver fucking platter. But instead you wanted some pre-packaged and bottled frou-frou Discordia-Lite which gives you an excuse for being an asshole and allows you to sit around on the internet and flood forums and lists with dumbshit and somehow expect it all to be funny. Heh. You funny? More like sad...a slight irritant that like a gnat can be swatted or shooed away. We want Discordians like you to know that you are precisely the reason why we have revived and reformed the Erisian Liberation Front, which will soon be knocking on your doors to recruit the errant brain cells that show any promise. And what will you do when the plug on your internet drooling is finally pulled? You will grow into being the used car dealers and insurance salespersons and senators' daughters and other such things and forget all about anything to do with Discordia. Perhaps you should think about leaving before that time and sparing the rest of us the boredom of watching the declines of your pretensions toward freedom.

We offer you no poetries, no manfestos, no words of advice, no prophesies, no messiahs, no ways-out, no theories....because your heads are too clogged with your own bullshit...and that's not fair to the cows. We offer you enlightenment on a silver platter no longer because all you wanted was someone to tell you what to do and to think, or you wanted to be the person that everyone else listens to. Christians show more promise than you could ever hope to...you diseased pack of vultures imagining that in picking through others' bones and decayed corpses of ideas you are so unique and special...that Eris may spare you the tumult of having to actually think for yourselves...of actually doing more than just pretending to think for yourselves by claiming to use the Principia Discordia for toilet paper. (Who the fuck really uses the PD for toilet paper, idiots? Do really think people are really going to scratch their asses raw with such drivel? Did you miss that joke too?) Because you maybe were a little bit decieved (some of Our faults, really), let's spell that out: That little ditty was placed in the PD precisely to weed out the cabbages and the cabbage-likers when they go around and say "The PD is for ass-wiping." Heh. You're still going on about it like a CD skipping.

"You took the air. You took the time.
You were fed. You were free.
You'd better put some beauty back here
while you still have the energy."

So, you over-stuffed pretentious children who claim yourselves Discordian because you have the milk-fed suburban blues, imagining yourselves somehow better because of your forever unrealized visions of post-modern apocalypses and other such solpsistic thrill rides that entertain none but yourselves...Where's that unique free creative chaos you blather on about? Endlessly repeating droning statements excusing your piss poor behaviors and actions on 'Chaos' will not get you any closer to anything even remotely resembling thought. But wait a minute, we forget...you are simply going to feign as if you don't give a shit about that. You are going to pretend to be the numbed, dazed, and jaded children of the steel and glass and wired apocalypses of chaos. (An apocalypse that will never come. What? You actually were stupid enough to believe that you could categorize and imagine CHAOS and what future it brings? Heh. Leave the tired delusions of the self-eaten tattered dregs of the forgotten portions of the species behind and actually taste reality for a change. You may find yourselves scared shitless by its endless surprises. If that menaces you then perhaps we could jolt that dysfunction out of your system with electrical appliances. If you could shirk off your pretense of not giving a shit, that is.)

The Kali Yuga is in your fucking heads. All of it. The end of the world is simply the trick of the spiritual hucksters selling you on broken icicles of spit. The golden apples you thought you were rolling have turned out to be nothing more than drug-stained hallucinations. And Eris just may notice you invoking Her by name. Not that She'd give a crap. But someone close to Her just might. There is no road of bones yet. We were simply waiting for you to lay yourselves down as pavement. In the end, it doesn't really matter. The world will get some use out of you, even if it is just as fertilizer and random molecules. And we have remembered that the roads are paved with asphalt anyway.

Perhaps you should just forget all this. Or fill in the blanks. Or whatever else it is you do while you pretend to read posts like this. May Cthulhu's underwear eat you anyway.

-Irreverend Hugh
"Everyone's in a hurry here in purgatory
Except for me. I'm where I need to be."

[march.21.2005]

[Bella]

Cool. Thank you.

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

Cool. Thank you.

No problem. You want tequila with that? It makes for a better read.

P.S. I am sending Cthulhu's Underwear to its freedom. It is time for it to be realeased from our vile captivity.

[Bella]

Yup, pass it over, please.

You're not sending Cthulu's underwear off into the world all by itself are you?
What if it gets lost?

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

Yup, pass it over, please.

You're not sending Cthulu's underwear off into the world all by itself are you?
What if it gets lost?

*passes tequila bottles over*

I already had it/them released. I think they/it'll be fine. So long as I don't have to hear anymore screaming at night.

[Hoshiko]

I'll have to reply here because the clown thing is genetic.

There's not much to add to that. I think you hit it spot on.

Or whatever else it is you do while you pretend to read posts like this.

I like to eat me a white bread sandwich, with some shredded lettuce.

Good show.

[Bella]

I'll have to reply here because the clown thing is genetic.

Sure is, I bet the Duchess will show up in this thread shortly.

White bread and shredded lettuce? Mmmmmm............I love that stuff.


Good show, indeed, Hugh.

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

I'll have to reply here because the clown thing is genetic.

There's not much to add to that. I think you hit it spot on.

Or whatever else it is you do while you pretend to read posts like this.

I like to eat me a white bread sandwich, with some shredded lettuce.

Good show.

I think I just like to knock back a few drinks and eat doritos and imagine that I could actually gain weight....I try....but my inherited metabolism sort of wins everytime. Sometimes I just smoke.

And even though I may be pretending to read....the words I glance over always come to me a few hours later.....

[Zurtok Khan]

I think you missed something there Hugh, my dear.  "Some say he's a holy man, others say he's a shithead."

It was around the 3rd time I read the Principia that I finally understood that parable, in some measure beyond it's humor.  I think it's kind of useless to try and explain it (those who get it have already got it, and those who don't get it won't understand even after I explain it), but I do think that it's one of the best parts of the Principia.  It's so good I take it seriously.  

But, you honestly think that that Rant is going to actually change anything?  The people you're talking to aren't going to go anyway, they're the ones who're gonna say "Pfft, this isn't directed towards me!" and live on with their shit clogged peneal glands.

We talk about preaching to the Chior as though preaching to everyone else would make a difference.  The Chior is there because they understand and want to understand more, everyone else is sitting in the sidelines because they don't understand and couldn't care less.

It is a nice rant though.

Two Thumbs up for Jesus!

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

Yeah, but perhaps I was just venting and in the act of venting I have saved the world from the acts of malice that sublimating the feeling would have caused me to perpetrate.

Then again, I could be a little weird.

The cabal likes this stuff though. (Maybe that's why I need to get away from them.)

[East Coast Hustle]

some of us will know it was directed at us. then we will remember that Hugh is certainly not the final arbiter of what does or doesn't constitute a "good discordian". And we wouldn't care if he was.

1/10 (points deducted for being the same as the last 5 rants)

[Ghost In The Machine]

some of us will know it was directed at us. then we will remember that Hugh is certainly not the final arbiter of what does or doesn't constitute a "good discordian". And we wouldn't care if he was.

1/10 (points deducted for being the same as the last 5 rants)

No offense intended, but where's your rant?

[East Coast Hustle]

I've never claimed to be in the rant business, although if you want to find one of the occasional pieces of crap I think might be amusing enough to post, you could probably just dig back through the older threads in this forum.



edit: since ever rant I've ever seen posted on this board by anyone (including me) has been more or less all the same rant, I try to put them out there very infrequently in the hopes that maybe no one will notice that I've just been cribbing from myself the whole time.