Endorsement:  I am not convinced you even understand my concepts of moral relativity, so perhaps it would be best for you not to approach them.

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Started by LMNO, March 23, 2005, 01:17:10 PM

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This is great! More!!!
just like in a dream
you'll open your mouth to scream
and you won't make a sound

you can't believe your eyes
you can't believe your ears
you can't believe your friends
you can't believe you're here

The New York Times

All the fit that news to print.


Number 3 with a Bullet!


Awesome! You beat John Grisham in sales.  :shock:
Making people sorry they asked since 1983.


She got the speakers in the trunk
With the bass on crunk.


W00t!  I pwned Grihsam!

Ahem.  I shouldn't brag.  It's not humble.


Quote from: LMNOW00t!  I pwned Grihsam!

Ahem.  I shouldn't brag.  It's not humble.

Far better, you are beating the (bloody) Da Vinci Code!


Well, the Da Vinci Code was on it's way down anyway.

But Grisham, right before the beginning of beach season (!). If there was ever a time to brag, now would be it.  :wink:
Making people sorry they asked since 1983.


She got the speakers in the trunk
With the bass on crunk.



Ah. Well, I se we have done fairly well.  


Bob the Mediocre

And imagine how well it'll sell when you finish it.

(Hint, Hint  :wink: )
"we are building a religion
we are making a brand
we're the only ones to turn to when your castles turn to sand
take a bite of this apple
mister corporate events
take a walk through the jungle
of cardboard shanties and tents
some people drink pepsi
some people drink coke
the wacky morning dj says democracy's a joke
he says now do you believe in the one big song
he is now accepting callers who would like to sing along"



,ÄúWell, Erin, let me see this cell phone of yours,,Äù I said.  She reached into her purse (purse?  Did she have a purse when she walked in?  How could she have kept that hidden?) and pulled out your typical-style phone.  High-end, no doubt, but just the same as any other:  Black, smaller than a deck of cards, and vaguely sinister-looking.  She laid it on the desk, and glanced up at me.

,ÄúI know it sounds stupid, but I,Äôm almost afraid to touch it,,Äù she said.  Looking quickly at the phone, not wanting to get lost in her eyes a second time, I noticed it had a few deep scratches in the back, where the battery gets recharged.

,ÄúWhat,Äôs this?,Äù

,ÄúWell, after about a week of these strange calls, I lost my nerve, and sort of,Ķ snapped.  I threw the phone at the wall.  It didn,Äôt stop the calls, though.,Äù

I picked up the phone, opened it, & began dialing a string of digits.  ,ÄúWell, let,Äôs see if we can figure out where these calls are coming from.,Äù

,ÄúI tried ,ÄòStar 69,Äô, but it didn,Äôt seem to work.,Äù

Letting another innuendo slip by, I said, ,ÄúWell, that,Äôs because you use the Government, Inc.,Äôs services.  You know as well as I do that ever since the National This-Is-For-Your-Own-Good-Just-Trust-Us Act of 2006 passed, no information request will ever provide accurate information, just add your name to the ever-growing list of people who want to Know Too Much.,Äù

Looking around nervously, she said, ,ÄúI had to take a chance.,Äù

,ÄúDon,Äôt worry about it.  These days, the list includes about 98% of the population.  Government, Inc. uses Quantum Information Storage, but they haven,Äôt gotten around to figuring out how to make a Quantum Processor yet.  So it,Äôs like finding a speck of dust in the middle of the galaxy.,Äù

A small smile flickered at the corner of her mouth.  I noticed that her lips, full and red like the promise of a pomegranate just before the bitterness sets in, had a small, almost miniscule scar running from the top edge of the left cupids bow diagonally to the bottom lip, like she was delicately brutalized at some great distance in her past, or had fallen out of a willow tree as a child.  It was the smallest and most perfect of flaws on a flawless face, the unnatural error of symmetry calling attention to her impeccable beauty.  ,ÄúSo how is it, Mr. LMNO, that you plan to get around Government Inc.,Äôs little plan?,Äù

,ÄúAh, it all depends on your connections, dollface.  I know a couple of Scrids down at MegaTeleComTech, and they owe m a favor.,Äù

,ÄúThey use Scrids?,Äù  Her forehead folded upon itself slightly, and I realized that was the look of someone who,Äôs not used to being puzzled, when the muscles have all but forgotten the feeling of a frown.

,ÄúWell, with the millions of signals coming down the wires & flying through the air every second, who else but genetically-modified, hyper-intelligent Giant Land Squids are they going to use?,Äù  The phone on the other end of the line was ringing, so I held up one finger, not wanting to be any ruder than I had to be to Erin.  After all, if she was going to be paying me, she was my employer.  The line picked up.

,ÄúHey, Randy? ...Yeah, it,Äôs LMNO,Ķ I know, I know, not since September,Ķ Mmm Hmmm,Ķ How,Äô the brood?  ,ĶGreat, great,Ķ  Look, Randy, I have to call in that favor,Ķ  No, that didn,Äôt count, because I wasn,Äôt the one who got the wires crossed,Ķ  Yeah, well, tell it to the wall,Ķ  Ok, fine.  25%, and a sack of mollusks.  Listen, Randy, what I need from you is to keep a tracer on this phone, number 333-2342, and to track all incoming calls,Ķ.  Yeah? Great.  If you can do this for me, we,Äôre even,Ķ. Right,Ķ  Ok.  I,Äôll call you again when I need the number.,Äù

I hung up, and looked at Erin, still struggling with the glass of scotch.  Pouring another for myself, I said, ,ÄúWell, that,Äôs that.  All we have to do now is wait for another call.,Äù

Suddenly the phone rang.  I snatched it up, and a sickly whine burst from the receiver.

,ÄúKkkkkkkkkssssssssBellandBookandFlamesssssssskkk kkkkFeartheComingOfAeaiiiinSooooffffhhhUsurperoftheClowntroddenggggggggggggggggggg,Ķ,Äù  The line went dead.

,ÄúThat was pretty freaky,,Äù I said.  I turned to look at Erin.  She had contracted somehow, drawing herself into herself, her eyes wide with fear.  She grabbed my glass, and drained it, her face never changing expression.

,ÄúIt,Äôs ok.  I,Äôm calling Randy now.,Äù  I dialed up the Scrid, and waited as the connection was made.  ,ÄúRandy?  Yeah, it,Äôs me again.  I need to know,ÄîWHAT?  How is that possible?  ,ĶNo, I don,Äôt think you,Äôre lying, that,Äôs genetically impossible, that,Äôs why it,Äôs so much fun playing poker with you,Ķ Could you triple-check that?  ,ĶI see.,Äù I hung up.

,ÄúWhat?  What?,Äù  Erin was literally on the edge of her seat, chest heaving with anticipation, temporarily driving all other thoughts out of my head.  Coming back to myself, I put the phone carefully on my desk, and drew my gun.

,ÄúHe said the call was coming from inside the phone itself.,Äù


:shock:  :shock:  :shock:  :shock:  :shock:  :shock:  :shock:
Coito ergo sum
O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.  --Comedian Chris Rock



and i would like to add that this is the first work of fiction to utilize Scrids.....for too long, the Scrid has been ignored in contemporary literature and i for one, would like to congratulate LMNO on breaching this last of literary taboos.

ask for more Scrid-centric fiction at your local bookstore now.
What makes it so? Making it so is what makes it so.

agent compassion

8)  LMNO = teh w1n

'I'll take you out for a meal with Mr. and Mrs. Pain, order up some violent quiche. Do you want some?' - ++++++ Moon


I don,Äôt like guns.  I mean, when I have to use them.  Sure, target practice is fine, and it gives you a certain ,Äúmanliness,Äù quotient, holding the powerful and explosive Doom Cock like some hero from TV, but when it really comes down to needing to use a gun, everything becomes uncomfortable.

Case in point: Right now, the nine millimeter in my hand felt all too heavy, and the smell of cordite and oil filled my nostrils.  I held Death in my hand, I wielded Violence.  And right now, it was pointed at a small piece of plastic on my desk.

Erin started, ,ÄúWait.  How can the call have originated inside the phone,Äî,Äú when the phone rang again.  But it didn,Äôt so much ring, as shriek.  Digital feedback, mixed with good old fashioned Screaming of the Damned, from what I could tell, filled the office.  The scratches down the back of the cell phone widened and split, following some sort of pre-described demarcations, splitting the top half down the middle, and spreading out either side, while what looked like legs began sprouting from the lower half.

,ÄússsskkkkskkskkkkkkYourASoulWillSufferAgonyssskkkksttttshshshhhhhTearYourSkinUntilPainBecomesYourOnlyFriend... akehhekkksskkkkskkkkksssYouWillKnowNoFriendButThePainOfYouSoulandTheEmptinessOfYouLifeskjjehhddded,Ķ,Äù

,ÄúOh, My God,,Äù Erin cried.  ,ÄúIt,Äôs EMO!,Äù

Wings burst through the back of the phones, and buzzed furiously.  Launching itself

The editors of ,ÄúLMNO-PI,Äù would like to interrupt at this point and note that the ,Äúface-raping bat,Äù scene has been deleted, seeing as how the Author of this petty drama is currently both sleep-deprived and hungover, and wrote, what we here all agree, was a pretty bad and tasteless scene.  Needless to say, this chapter is filled with weak adjectives, and horrible similes, such as ,Äúplummeted through the air like a Pearl Harbor bomber,Äù, and the like.  The Editors would like to apologize to the readers, and to assure you that this passage should contain Horrific and Wildly Exciting descriptions of LMNO,Äôs ferocious and chaotic gunfight with the Strangely Demonic Face-Raping Bat Cell Phone.  We apologize for the interruption.

,ĶThe last bullet hit home, and hit true.  The phone exploded into shards of plastic and bits of newly-formed flesh, and what seemed to be fluttering bits of paper.  The newly found silence was almost stifling compared to the screams and gunshots.  I slid the gun back into its holster, and grabbed one of the slips of paper out of the air.  It was completely covered with Ones and Zeroes.

,ÄúDamn.  I,Äôm not enough of a geek to read machine code raw.,Äù

,ÄúWhat. The fuck.  Was that!?,Äù

,ÄúI,Äôll explain it to you in the car.  Right now, we have to get out of here.,Äù

,ÄúI put that up to my EAR!,Äù

,ÄúI know.  It likes that sort of thing.  But we have to go.  I need this translated.,Äù

,ÄúWhere are we going?,Äù

,ÄúI need this read, fast.  So we,Äôre going to a bar.,Äù

,ÄúWHAT?  Are you serious?  We just got attacked by that,Ķ that,Ķ thing,Äî,Äú

,ÄúFace-Raping bat.,Äù

,Äú,ÄîWhatever, and you,Äôre thinking about getting drunk?  Not to mention, where are you going to find a place open right now?,Äù

,ÄúEasy.  It,Äôs the only bar open at this hour of the morning.  The Open Bar.,Äù

The Open Bar

i'm in the story!!!  :D