My battered boots squished in the effluence and muck of the tunnel floor as I stared down the barrel of Suu’s gun. I could feel the horde of furries closing around us as Name stepped forward. “Hold on,” he said, “since when did you lot ever associate with Government Inc.?”
“Since this,” snapped Suu, brandishing a battered sheet of paper in her left hand. Holding it up to the dim torchlight, she read: “Let it be known that the Citizen known professionally as ‘LMNO’ is hereby wanted for questioning by order of City Ordinance 3679046238-2. Government, Inc. is prepared to offer a bounty of $587,987,384 for his apprehension. Signed, Seargent Uncle BadTouch, D.O.D.B.” She looked up. “Which means we don’t need you,” pointing the gun at Name, “so you can go. But only after… suitable… reparations. Harry!”
A bipedal armadillo grabbed Name from behind, lifted him off the ground, and disappeared into the horde.
“Hey! Hey! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!? LET ME GO!” Name shrieked as he was taken away. “THEY JUMPED AT MY SHIP, WHAT WAS I GOING TO D-AAAAUGHMPH-” A large group of furries began to cluster around where Name was dropped to the ground, and they began to flop down in a pile, grunting and thrusting. Antelopes, ferrets, herons, coyote, rhinos, moles, and other half-beasts tangled together, searching out anything with an orifice.
Suu’s eyes were on the furpile. “I’m pretty sure they’ll let him go, eventually.” She swung the gun back towards me, and grinned. “Well, here we are. Care to follow me?”
“What other choice do I have?”
She pointed at the furpile. “That is your other choice.”
“In that case, lead on.”
She walked down a side passage that branched off of the main tunnel. I limped after her, leaving the poor Reverend Name trapped beneath a furpile; in turn, I was followed by a muskrat, a wolf, and an ocelot. There were fewer torches along this passage, which split off several times into identical corridors. We passed large wooden doors every so often, and even though the light was dim, I could smell the fact that they had been “marked”. Suu eventually stopped at a door, and motioned to the ocelot, which grabbed my arms and pulled them behind my back. I winced at the pain my not-so-healed bones radiated up my arm. Suu opened the door, and I was pushed through.
Inside was an office of sorts. At least, it didn’t look like a nest, or burrow, or hive. There were a few ceiling lights, a bookshelf, a table, a few chairs, and… what looked to be a liquor cabinet. “Have a seat,” said Suu. “You look like you could use a drink. Scotch, isn’t it?”
Nodding slightly, I sat down facing Suu as the three furries stood behind me. The buttons on her jacket gleamed as she poured out two drinks. She took a chair opposite me, and pushed one of the glasses towards me. “Here. It’s not the best, but at least it’s 12 years.”
I sniffed at the brown liquid in the glass, then waited until she took a sip before I tasted it. It may have been mediocre, but right then it was the best drink I ever had. I fought the urge to drain the glass, leaned back, and said, “So, now what?”
“Well, I’m certainly not going to fuck you, if that’s what you’re getting at. Look at yourself. You’re old, you’re all busted up, you’re wearing a frickin’ medbot tunic, and you’re wanted by the cops. That’s not exactly “hot” in my book.”
“No, your book seems to have pictures of a beaver jerking off a dragon.”
Laughing, she tilted her chair back and kicked her feet up on the table. She had on tall leather military riding boots, scuffed but well cared for. “Wrong, detective boy,” she said. “I’m part of the Fictional Authority Empire. You may have heard of us.”
“FAE? Nope.”
She tilted the bottle, and filled my glass again. “Well, you know the old concept that government is a social fiction?”
“In theory.”
“These days, theory is all we got. That much said, you also know how popular the Video Epics were and are.”
“They stopped making those a dozen years ago. The only copies that exist are bootlegs.”
“So what? They’re still popular in society. And a lot of society finds that the characters onscreen, are more noble, trustworthy, and honest than what’s going on in real life. You see? The Epics are also a social fiction.”
“I can see where this is going.”
Suu started getting more excited. “Yeah! So we figured, ‘why not substitute one social fiction for another? Why can’t we decide to follow the Authority that makes sense to us?”
“So you emulate fictional characters. I can see why you’re down here with the retarded mutants.” Behind me, I heard one of them growl.
“What’s wrong with that? A Fictional Authority has a structure that’s ideal, and has been shown to propel people towards noble acts! If we have to choose our social fictions, why would we choose the dysfunctional one?”
I reached for the scotch bottle, and poured another drink. “Easy. When it’s fictional, it’s pre-planned. There’s no room for surprise, or chaos.”
“Chaos? They said you were one of them.”
“Yup. Watch.” I was still holding onto the bottle in my right hand. I threw my left hand in the air, and the glass that was in it flew straight into the muskrat’s face. Or mask. Or something between the two. Either way, it shrieked and stumbled back as I smashed the scotch bottle on the table at the same time I brought my foot up to the table’s edge and pushed. Suu’s legs were still propped up, and her chair tipped over as the table flipped onto its side. Spinning, I gripped the neck of the broken bottle and jammed it just under where the ribs should have been on the ocelot, who crumpled to the ground. I hope that medbot actually worked, I thought as I kicked out at the wolf that was lunging at me. A sickening pain shot up my leg as my foot struck it squarely in the groin. The wolf howled, but its momentum was too great as it struck me and we both fell over the table, and sprawled out over Suu, who was just starting to get back to her feet.
Rolling to one side, I struggled to my feet and made for the door in a sort of staggering leap. My leg hadn’t quite re-broken itself, but it certainly wasn’t happy with me. I yanked open the door. Over my shoulder I called out, “Who the fuck are you calling old, anyway!?”
“Dammit!” I heard from behind me, and then heard the scraping sound of metal against stone, and a universally recognizable click of a safety catch being disengaged. I dove through the doorway and ran the best I could down the corridor. I stole a glance behind me, and saw the doorway explode in a mass of wooden splinters and stone shards. She wasn’t fucking around with that gun. I grabbed a torch off the wall, and limped further down the corridor, trying to remember how to get back to the ship.
Inevitably, I heard a howling behind me. The hunt was on.
