In my heart I knew that rotten testicles and inflamed penises were on the way.

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Started by LMNO, March 23, 2005, 01:17:10 PM

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Mesozoic Mister Nigel

Good shit. I hope you submit it for publication when it's done, I really do.
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."


I dont think wow, or even McFriggenAwesome sums up how much this shut rocks. WELL DONE


My battered boots squished in the effluence and muck of the tunnel floor as I stared down the barrel of Suu's gun.  I could feel the horde of furries closing around us as Name stepped forward.  "Hold on," he said, "since when did you lot ever associate with Government Inc.?"

"Since this," snapped Suu, brandishing a battered sheet of paper in her left hand.  Holding it up to the dim torchlight, she read: "Let it be known that the Citizen known professionally as 'LMNO' is hereby wanted for questioning by order of City Ordinance 3679046238-2.  Government, Inc. is prepared to offer a bounty of $587,987,384 for his apprehension.  Signed, Seargent Uncle BadTouch, D.O.D.B."  She looked up.  "Which means we don't need you," pointing the gun at Name, "so you can go.  But only after... suitable... reparations.  Harry!"

A bipedal armadillo grabbed Name from behind, lifted him off the ground, and disappeared into the horde. 

"Hey!  Hey!  WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?  LET ME GO!"  Name shrieked as he was taken away.  "THEY JUMPED AT MY SHIP, WHAT WAS I GOING TO D-AAAAUGHMPH-"  A large group of furries began to cluster around where Name was dropped to the ground, and they began to flop down in a pile, grunting and thrusting.  Antelopes, ferrets, herons, coyote, rhinos, moles, and other half-beasts tangled together, searching out anything with an orifice.

Suu's eyes were on the furpile.  "I'm pretty sure they'll let him go, eventually."  She swung the gun back towards me, and grinned.  "Well, here we are.  Care to follow me?"

"What other choice do I have?"

She pointed at the furpile.  "That is your other choice."

"In that case, lead on."

She walked down a side passage that branched off of the main tunnel.  I limped after her, leaving the poor Reverend Name trapped beneath a furpile; in turn, I was followed by a muskrat, a wolf, and an ocelot.  There were fewer torches along this passage, which split off several times into identical corridors.  We passed large wooden doors every so often, and even though the light was dim, I could smell the fact that they had been "marked".  Suu eventually stopped at a door, and motioned to the ocelot, which grabbed my arms and pulled them behind my back.  I winced at the pain my not-so-healed bones radiated up my arm.  Suu opened the door, and I was pushed through.

Inside was an office of sorts.  At least, it didn't look like a nest, or burrow, or hive.  There were a few ceiling lights, a bookshelf, a table, a few chairs, and... what looked to be a liquor cabinet.  "Have a seat," said Suu.  "You look like you could use a drink.  Scotch, isn't it?"

Nodding slightly, I sat down facing Suu as the three furries stood behind me.  The buttons on her jacket gleamed as she poured out two drinks.  She took a chair opposite me, and pushed one of the glasses towards me.  "Here.  It's not the best, but at least it's 12 years." 

I sniffed at the brown liquid in the glass, then waited until she took a sip before I tasted it.  It may have been mediocre, but right then it was the best drink I ever had.  I fought the urge to drain the glass, leaned back, and said, "So, now what?"

"Well, I'm certainly not going to fuck you, if that's what you're getting at.  Look at yourself.  You're old, you're all busted up, you're wearing a frickin' medbot tunic, and you're wanted by the cops.  That's not exactly "hot" in my book."

"No, your book seems to have pictures of a beaver jerking off a dragon."

Laughing, she tilted her chair back and kicked her feet up on the table.  She had on tall leather military riding boots, scuffed but well cared for.  "Wrong, detective boy," she said.  "I'm part of the Fictional Authority Empire.  You may have heard of us."

"FAE?  Nope."

She tilted the bottle, and filled my glass again.  "Well, you know the old concept that government is a social fiction?"

"In theory."

"These days, theory is all we got.  That much said, you also know how popular the Video Epics were and are."

"They stopped making those a dozen years ago.  The only copies that exist are bootlegs."

"So what?  They're still popular in society.  And a lot of society finds that the characters onscreen, are more noble, trustworthy, and honest than what's going on in real life.  You see?  The Epics are also a social fiction."

"I can see where this is going."

Suu started getting more excited.  "Yeah!  So we figured, 'why not substitute one social fiction for another?  Why can't we decide to follow the Authority that makes sense to us?"

"So you emulate fictional characters.  I can see why you're down here with the retarded mutants."  Behind me, I heard one of them growl.

"What's wrong with that?  A Fictional Authority has a structure that's ideal, and has been shown to propel people towards noble acts!  If we have to choose our social fictions, why would we choose the dysfunctional one?"

I reached for the scotch bottle, and poured another drink.  "Easy.  When it's fictional, it's pre-planned.  There's no room for surprise, or chaos."

"Chaos?  They said you were one of them."

"Yup.  Watch."  I was still holding onto the bottle in my right hand.  I threw my left hand in the air, and the glass that was in it flew straight into the muskrat's face.  Or mask.  Or something between the two.  Either way, it shrieked and stumbled back as I smashed the scotch bottle on the table at the same time I brought my foot up to the table's edge and pushed.  Suu's legs were still propped up, and her chair tipped over as the table flipped onto its side.  Spinning, I gripped the neck of the broken bottle and jammed it just under where the ribs should have been on the ocelot, who crumpled to the ground.  I hope that medbot actually worked, I thought as I kicked out at the wolf that was lunging at me.  A sickening pain shot up my leg as my foot struck it squarely in the groin.  The wolf howled, but its momentum was too great as it struck me and we both fell over the table, and sprawled out over Suu, who was just starting to get back to her feet.

Rolling to one side, I struggled to my feet and made for the door in a sort of staggering leap.  My leg hadn't quite re-broken itself, but it certainly wasn't happy with me.  I yanked open the door.  Over my shoulder I called out, "Who the fuck are you calling old, anyway!?"

"Dammit!" I heard from behind me, and then heard the scraping sound of metal against stone, and a universally recognizable click of a safety catch being disengaged.  I dove through the doorway and ran the best I could down the corridor.  I stole a glance behind me, and saw the doorway explode in a mass of wooden splinters and stone shards.  She wasn't fucking around with that gun.  I grabbed a torch off the wall, and limped further down the corridor, trying to remember how to get back to the ship.

Inevitably, I heard a howling behind me.  The hunt was on.


Cynicism is a blank check for failure.


Sorry about that, Name.


It's the puns, right?   :)
Cynicism is a blank check for failure.


Probably.  Y'know, I was trying to put puns in your dialogue, but my mind really doesn't work like that (thank goodness).

However, If you want to look back at your lines and suggest puns to make, I'm happy to rework it.


Naw.  I've enjoyed it as it is.  And yes, I'll keep reading even though Name is no more.   :D
Cynicism is a blank check for failure.


The tunnels twisted onwards into the darkness.  The torch in my hand didn't have much effect beyond a couple of yards, so its main use was to avoid stepping in the random piles of shit and trash strewn about.

Behind me, I could hear the howls of the hunt.  It was obvious to me I didn't have a clue where I was going, so "away" seemed to be the best direction.  I ducked down a passage to the left, and then cut right at hallway perpendicular to that.  Strange acoustics and echoes made it difficult to place where the horde was, but I was fairly sure it was behind me.  Unfortunately, they were getting closer.

I ducked around another corner, and risked a look back.  Nothing at first, but then a few points of torch light, which resolved into Suu striding down the hallway, two tunnel-crawlers holding torches on either side.  Some sort of Owl-thing screeched, and Suu raised her rifle and pointed it at what she could see of my head peering around the corner.

I ran hard, as the wall opposite me cracked and crumbled, showering me with grit and rubble.  "You can't escape us," cried Suu, "we are, as they say, Legion!"

There weren't any turns down this part of the corridor.  I started to zig zag down the hall, hoping a moving target would be harder to hit.  I heard her laughing as a huge gash ripped itself along the wall to my left.  I saw a door to my right and charged at it.  If I could break it down, I might have another minute or so to my advantage.

It didn't budge.  I bounced off, collapsing to the floor.  And then it exploded.  Pieces of the door flew everywhere, a few splinters happily digging themselves under my skin.  Wrenching my body up to its feet, I stumbled through the wreckage through the doorway as I heard Suu curse, then say, "Get after him, fools!" 

In all the excitement, I guess I didn't notice the 3-foot drop as I stepped through. 

Darth Cupcake

Oh good lord...! Poor Name!! :x :x :x

Still... AWESOME.
Be the trouble you want to see in the world.


Awesome! One tiny problem tho ...


I'm up to my arse in Brexit Numpties, but I want more.  Target-rich environments are the new sexy.
Not actually a meat product.
Ass-Kicking & Foot-Stomping Ancient Master of SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK
Awful and Bent Behemothic Results of Last Night's Painful Squat.
High Altitude Haggis-Filled Sex Bucket From Beyond Time and Space.
Internet Monkey Person of Filthy and Immoral Pygmy-Porn Wart Contagion
Octomom Auxillary Heat Exchanger Repairman
walking the fine line line between genius and batshit fucking crazy

"computation is a pattern in the spacetime arrangement of particles, and it's not the particles but the pattern that really matters! Matter doesn't matter." -- Max Tegmark


My shoulder hit the ground, which gave slightly, and let out a faint squelch.  The rest of my body followed, and I found myself face down in dense, wet sand.  I scrambled to my feet, winced at the strain, and found myself in another tunnel.  Dark at both ends, and no way of telling which way let the fuck out, I went left, urging my legs to help me out one more time.  Behind me, I heard the furry horde clambering through the doorway.  Remembering Name's fate, I suddenly found I had the strength to run a little faster.

The light from the doorway didn't reach very far.  Soon, I was running across the heavy sand in darkness.  My eyes strained to catch any glimpse of an escape.  Lucky for me, the furries didn't have very good footing, and I soon had a decent lead on them, so I settled down to a decently-paced jog, doing the best to ignore the pains in my recently-healed limbs. 

After about a minute, I noticed that I could see a little more clearly.  A faint glow from up ahead was gently illuminating the tunnel, and it looked suspiciously like daylight.  I increased my pace, and saw the tunnel's mouth open into the light.  Over the ragged sound of my heavy breathing, I heard waves crashing.  I could hardly believe it, but I had made it to the Ocean.  I knew there was still a horde of mutant fuckbeasts back there, so I didn't stop running.  If I could get to a point where there wasn't just a forward and a backward, I'd have a better chance of evasion.

The opening was just a few dozen yards ahead, so I gather what remaining strength I had and sprinted towards the light.  As soon as I cleared the edge of the tunnel, I banked a hard right.  For a moment I glimpsed the sun beating down on a calm ocean, and a tubby expanse of a beach made mostly of stones and pebbles, with a scum of high-tide seaweed rimming the water's edge.  Then I turned my head and ran straight into an island-like forest, with palm trees, vines, and a lot of green. 

I tried to keep my pace, but after narrowly being decapitated by a few low-hanging vines, I slowed my pace, went into a semi-crouch, and tried to keep my eyes moving, looking for a path, or a clearing, or a good amount of cover.  The forest soon muffled any sound of pursuit, as well as blocked the sunlight coming from the beach.  Good thing, too; I wasn't sure if I could take it full on.  The blanket of smog covering The City is thick enough to block most of the direct sunlight as it is, never mind the twisting building shapes that create a morass of shadows hundreds of feet below on the street.  Without some sort of sunblock, or adequate clothing, the sunburns would come quick.

I noticed a faint patch of worn ground as I passed over it.  Slowing, I backed up and looked again.  Looking left and right, I noticed that low-hanging branches had been moved aside, or subtly trimmed, forming a sort of path that was trying really hard not be noticed.  I walked up to the right, away from the beach, keeping my ears open. 

It wasn't my ears that alerted me though, it was my nose.  I caught a faint whiff of something foul, like feces mixed with sulphur.  Keeping to the edge of the path, I ducked behind a tree when it opened up on a clearing with a large hut in the middle.  It was more than a hut, it was practically a lodge.  Built out of logs, probably 20 feet tall, with a huge chimney in the center that belched horrible-smelling smoke.  I knew I needed fresh clothes, as well as some sort of solar protection if I wanted to last down on the beach, so I crept up to the door, a massive construction of wood and metal.  It moved easily on its hinges, and I slipped inside.

"Welcome to the First School of Voided Bliss!"  The girl who shouted this at me was young, blonde and almost perfectly vacuous.  Her eyes were dark, and her pupils almost perfectly dilated.

"Yeah... Hi," I said.  "Um, would you happen to have-"

"We have everything you would need.  Please, come and join us!"  She walked around from behind the large wooden reception desk, and I could see she was wearing a yellow one-piece sleeveless mini-dress that rode high on the thigh.  She grabbed my hand, and led me towards another door. 

"Wait, where are you taking me?"

"I want you to see the church, and how we can all be happy in the Void!"  She pushed open the door, which opened onto a large room.  In ordered rows sat men and women, sitting on small platforms.  The only thing any of them wore was a small towel around their hips, like a loincloth.  Each person's eyes were closed, and they were smiling blissfully. 

At the center of the room was a platform that was higher than the rest.  On it was a man who seemed completely at ease with himself.  He seemed to be always on the verge of giggling, but never quite getting there.  He, like the rest, was only wearing a towel, but his was somewhat darker than the rest.  "Who is that?" I asked.

"That's Pthreent!" she whispered excitedly.  "He's about to enact the Holy Void!"


"Pthreent!  Look, he's entering the holy state now!"

I looked up at him, and saw him smile a wide, blissful smile.  Then, without warning, the air was filled with the sound of massive flatulence.  The wet kind.  I flinched back and looked around, and realized that the sound was coming from him.  "What the hell..." 

The look on the girl's face was one of rapture.  "See!  See the transformation of the Sage!  See as he returns to the Natural State!"

"You mean..."  I hesitated.  Then I noticed that his towel wasn't naturally dyed that darker color.  That it was all-too-obviously self produced. 

"You mean these people spend all day sitting around and shitting themselves, and he's the leader?"


I thought this was meant to be fictional. Now IRL peoples will be able to identify me :argh!:

I'm up to my arse in Brexit Numpties, but I want more.  Target-rich environments are the new sexy.
Not actually a meat product.
Ass-Kicking & Foot-Stomping Ancient Master of SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK
Awful and Bent Behemothic Results of Last Night's Painful Squat.
High Altitude Haggis-Filled Sex Bucket From Beyond Time and Space.
Internet Monkey Person of Filthy and Immoral Pygmy-Porn Wart Contagion
Octomom Auxillary Heat Exchanger Repairman
walking the fine line line between genius and batshit fucking crazy

"computation is a pattern in the spacetime arrangement of particles, and it's not the particles but the pattern that really matters! Matter doesn't matter." -- Max Tegmark


Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on March 18, 2009, 11:03:13 AM
I thought this was meant to be fictional. Now IRL peoples will be able to identify me :argh!:

I wouldn't complain if I were you.  Remember the fate that befell my character. 
Cynicism is a blank check for failure.


Awesome story - want to see the movie!!
By reading this, you have given me brief control of your mind.