Personals/Want Ads

[Sotek.4]

Heh. There was a good one on the Hawaii board a while ago... let me find it...

21M seeking to pass the time spacing out w/ ps2 - m4w - 21

I'm an atheltic, fit and lightly built caucasian guy with insurmountable computer/tech skills and an insane love for medicine. Practicing medicine not doing drugs I swear. I am looking for a comfy girl to sit there and wish she had a real man while I either play video games or sleep after completely nongratifying sex. For you not me, I always get mine. Hit me up if you are interested your pic gets my eyebrow raised.
http://honolulu.craigslist.org/msr/67145733.html

Can't help but think it was written by a woman who recently dumped her lazy ass boyfriend.

[Bella]

Can't help but think it was written by a woman who recently dumped her lazy ass boyfriend.

And I can't help but agree with that assessment.

[Bella]

Some Advice From Your Public Defender

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Reply to: anon-70300494@craigslist.org
Date: Tue Apr 26 10:49:28 2005


First, let me say I love my job and it is a privilege to work for my clients. I wish I could do more for them. That being said, there are a few things that need to be discussed.

You have the right to remain silent. So SHUT THE FUCK UP. Those cops are completely serious when they say your statements can and will be used against you. There,Äôs just no need to babble on like it,Äôs a drink and dial session. They are just pretending to like you and be interested in you.

When you come to court, consider your dress. If you,Äôre charged with a DUI, don,Äôt wear a Budweiser shirt. If you have some miscellaneous drug charge, think twice about clothing with a marijuana leaf on it or a t-shirt with the ,ÄúUniBonger,Äù on it. Long sleeves are very nice for covering tattoos and track marks. Try not to be visibly drunk when you show up.

Consider bathing and brushing your teeth. This is just as a courtesy to me who has to stand by you in court. Smoking 5 generic cigarettes to cover up your bad breath is not the same as brushing. Try not to cough and spit on my while you speak and further transmit your strep, flu, and hepatitis A through Z.

I,Äôm a lawyer, not your fairy godmother. I probably won,Äôt find a loophole or technicality for you, so don,Äôt be pissed off. I didn,Äôt beat up your girlfriend, steal that car, rob that liquor store, sell that crystal meth, or rape that 13 year old. By the time we meet, much of your fate has been sealed, so don,Äôt be too surprised by your limited options and that I,Äôm the one telling you about them.

Don,Äôt think you,Äôll improve my interest in your case by yelling at me, telling me I,Äôm not doing anything for you, calling me a public pretender or complaining to my supervisor. This does not inspire me, it makes me hate you and want to work with you even less.

It does not help if you leave me nine messages in 17 minutes. Especially if you leave them all on Saturday night and early Sunday morning. This just makes me want to stab you in the eye when we finally meet.

For the guys: Don,Äôt think I,Äôm amused when you flirt or offer to ,Äúdo me.,Äù You can,Äôt successfully rob a convenience store, forge a signature, pawn stolen merchandise, get through a day without drinking, control your temper, or talk your way out of a routine traffic stop. I figure your performance in other areas is just as spectacular, and the thought of your shriveled unwashed body near me makes me want to kill you and then myself.

For the girls: I know your life is rougher than mine and you have no resources. I,Äôm not going to insult you by suggesting you leave your abusive pimp/boyfriend, that you stop taking meth, or that your stop stealing shit. I do wish you,Äôd stop beating the crap out of your kids and leaving your needles out for them to play with because you aren,Äôt allowing them to have a life that is any better than yours.

For the morons: Your second grade teacher was right ,Äì neatness counts. Just clean up! When you rob the store, don,Äôt leave your wallet. When you drive into the front of the bank, don,Äôt leave the front license plate. When you rape/assault/rob a woman on the street, don,Äôt leave behind your cell phone. After you abuse your girlfriend, don,Äôt leave a note saying that you,Äôre sorry.

If you are being chased by the cops and you have dope in your pocket ,Äì dump it. These cops are not geniuses. They are out of shape and want to go to Krispy Kreme and most of all go home. They will not scour the woods or the streets for your 2 grams of meth. But they will check your pockets, idiot. 2 grams is not worth six months of jail.

Don,Äôt be offended and say you were harassed because the security was following you all over the store. Girl, you were wearing an electronic ankle bracelet with your mini skirt. And you were stealing. That,Äôs not harassment, that,Äôs good store security.

And those kids you churn out: how is it possible? You,Äôre out there breeding like feral cats. What exactly is the attraction of having sex with other meth addicts? You are lacking in the most basic aspects of hygiene, deathly pale, greasy, grey-toothed, twitchy and covered with open sores. How can you be having sex? You make my baby-whoring crack head clients look positively radiant by comparison.

"I didn't put it all the way in." Not a defense.

"All the money is gone now." Not a defense

"The bitch deserved it." Not a defense.

"But that dope was so stepped on, I barely got high." Not a defense.

"She didn't look thirteen." Possibly a defense; it depends.

"She didn't look six." Never a defense, you just need to die.

For those rare clients that say thank-you, leave a voice mail, send a card or flowers, you are very welcome. I keep them all, and they keep me going more than my pitiful COLA increase.

For the idiots who ask me how I sleep at night: I sleep just fine, thank you. There's nothing wrong with any of my clients that could not have been fixed with money or the presence of at least one caring adult in their lives. But that window has closed, and that loss diminishes us all.








this is in or around your local jail

[Bella]

Just say NO to Bonnie

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Reply to: anon-69769450@craigslist.org
Date: Fri Apr 22 21:24:55 2005


I am pleading with all of you who use this site to sell things,please, please, please hang up on me if I call you! If I e-mail you to buy your kitchen table, pick up your canary,or take those party favors left over from the Luau you had in '92, please don't e-mail me back!Pick someone else! I don't need your dishes, your area rugs, or your Genuine Gevalia coffee maker(which even I can get for free w/purchase.) I don't need one more kitchen gadget "As Seen on TV". I DO NOT NEED one more blessed thing from Craig's List. What I NEED is a haircut. I NEED a new car.(read: anything that's seen a car lot w/in the last 5 yrs) I NEED to paint my house. (by any chance has anybody got about 80 gallons of neutral exterior latex paint just sitting around?) See what I mean. I NEED MEDICATION!!!! and I need for all of you to just say NO to me if I respond to your post.

I used to be kind of pretty a few short months ago. Now I don't sleep much. I get up to check if I've missed any good posts after 10. I sleep with the phone under my pillow in case one of you call back about the Coach purse(barely used)or the box of 'party lite' candles for sale in Erie for only 5 bucks. I have put enough miles on my gas pig of an Expedition to have driven back and forth to Costa Rica.....twice. I have spent enough money in one dollar bills to have wall papered my master bath AND afford a highly skilled divorce attorney, with some to spare for a Spa weekend.I have to face facts. I am a suburban housewife with all the trimmings. I am not cool like I used to be. My brain is stimulated only by the puzzles in the morning paper and the thrill I get when I see one of you has moved and is selling the brand new appliances that came with the custom built home but are just not your taste. Thank you. Oh thank you! But now I have enough excess to fill another house.

So please if I call or mail you with any variation of Bonnie (from Broomfield)ie Bunny or Bambi or Bobbi(with an i) ,please just simply respond with 'Bonnie, is that you?'If there is the slightest hesitation in the responders response you'll do me a huge favor if you ignore the e-mail and/or HANG UP THE PHONE!and don't answer it again for at least 15 minutes. With your help and support, I can beat this thing. And I'm counting on you as the great philanthropic and compassionate people you are, to see me through this till you never hear from me again. Thank you ever so much! Bonnie:}

[illusion]

This one reminds me of Hugh and the Purple Monkey Mafia.
Argh......Bella has made me addicted to this damn list.

Um... About That Enormous Purple Monkey....


If you were the surprise recipient of an enormous purple monkey today, I just wanted to tell you it's my fault and I'm profoundly sorry for putting you through that.

I'd had said enormous purple monkey in the garage for a long time, and I thought I had finally found a good use for it. See it's one of those huge, embarrassing stuffed contraptions they hand out as prizes at carnivals, and somehow I had ended up with it, hated it, crammed it into a back corner in the garage, and tried to forget about it. Well, just try to forget about an enormous purple monkey; it's impossible. It haunts your dreams, sings show tunes in the back of your mind, and shakes its purple ass in your face as if it were right there in front of you. I knew I had to get rid of the enormous purple monkey for good.

Well lo and behold, I saw an ad requesting toy donations for a children's charity and it was like the perfect answer to my enormous purple monkey problem. I eagerly looked forward to putting the enormous purple monkey into some towheaded, Bambi-eyed, cancer-stricken waif's arms and doing a small bit of good for the world (while accomplishing the much more important task of releasing myself from the clutches of the horrible batting-stuffed nightmare). My delight was boundless... but ultimately short-lived.

I glanced at the address where we had been directed to drop off the toys, and, enormous purple monkey in tow, I righteously headed off to make some sick kid's dream come true. I pulled up to 3478 on a pleasant residential street, unloaded the enormous purple monkey, and planted it on the front step of the house. My good deed for the day had been done. I had donated an adorable toy to a good cause and I was certain the owner of the house would come home and be overjoyed to find such a cute sight waiting for them, an enormous purple monkey donated to a cause so close to their heart, ho ho!

Well, fate can kiss my ass. Here's where I should have slowed down to think a little bit. As I drove off in a haze of self-congratulation, I glanced across the street to a porch at an address which I now see could only have been 3487, and saw it loaded with toys and games and sports equipment, and led myself on a mental detour. I thought "well goodness gracious me, if those people don't have a ton of toys! Wouldn't it be great if they donated all that to the charity, it's right across the street after all! Ho ho!" If I hadn't been distracted with my overload of hearty do-gooding I might have thought instead "oh look, maybe that's the address at which we're supposed to drop off the toys!" You see where I'm going with this.

Indeed when I got home I saw that the address I had scribbled down was 3487, not 3478, and, certain that I had inflicted the enormous purple monkey on 3478, I felt a feeling of immediate guilt. Not for depriving some whimpering, dying child of a fabulous enormous purple monkey toy, but rather for setting up some innocent stranger for the scare of his or her life at his or her own home. Damn. Some poor sap is going to pull into his or her driveway and find an enormous purple monkey looking back at him or her and I can only hope he or she doesn't drop dead of shock.

So, if this happens to you tonight, I just wanted to say I'm dreadfully sorry.  

[Bella]

Are you my soul mate? - 40

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Reply to: anon-83488690@craigslist.org
Date: Sat Jul 09 22:50:08 2005



SWM in dead-end job seeks dumpy neurotic for mutual psychological torture, tepid sex, and co-dependency. I enjoy drinking, smoking, pornography, and self-righteous indignation.

I can't stand movies, and the last album I bought was The Marshall Tucker Band's Greatest Hits. I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by affecting a world-weary air, memorizing useless facts, and chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes.

I'm 40, but look 50 and feel 60. You are a whiny, bitter shrew with a misplaced sense of entitlement and unrealistic expectations. In time you will become coolly hostile when I don't fulfill every unmet need you've ever had. Bonus points if you just finished screwing every guy in town and but now want to take it slow with me.

My perfect night would include getting hammered in a sleazy bar while you flirt with seedy old drunks, followed by an embarrassing screaming match. I would be open to an unsatisfying fling that leaves me filled with regret and dread but prefer a long-term, soul crushing descent into booze and pills. No friendships. I don't need any goddamn friends.

Age unimportant, but I will condescend to women under 30 and rehash mother issues with women over 40.

Serious replies only, please.

[Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy]

[LMNO]

Serious replies only, please.

The icing on the cake.

[Bella]

Isn't this guy great? You'll note that I included the link so that anyone who wanted to could reply to this ad.

[Bella]

This is a true story swear to God - 36

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Reply to: anon-83113758@craigslist.org
Date: Thu Jul 07 23:08:40 2005


I work at Safeway in Strawberry and last night around 1:30am I was putting out the last of the empty veggie crates out back and I here this PSSSSST coming from somewhere in the parking lot and a few seconds later a woman in her mid-thirties peeks her head from the driver window of her car about 15 yards away and says SO ARE YOU DOWN WITH THE LADIES and I was all WHAT? and she says YOU HEARD ME and I say I GUESS SO, WHY and she says BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE YOU ARE and I didn't know what to say so she gets out of her car and walks towards me and I can see as she gets closer that she is beautiful except for the WHOLE LEFT SIDE OF HER SCALP IS SHAVED AND THE OTHER HALF IS FEATHERED SHOULDER LENGTH just like Kristy McNichol way back when and she's holding two huge tweezers - swear - like the biggest tweezers you have EVER SEEN and they are hooked together by a thick black cord and I started to freak inside a little bit thinking this is not the way I want to die out back behind Safeway smelling like rotten spinach leaves and bludgeoned to death by a pair of tweezers so I say WHAT'S UP? in a deep voice and she keeps walking towards me and when she's about 10 feet away she says with a smile THIS LADY NEEDS A JUMP START and lifts up the tweezers and I see that it's actually just a pair of jumper cables and inside I was like OH MY GOD I'M A MORON and exhaled a deep breath and say SURE so I grab my truck and drive it next to hers and help her jump her car but I was too afraid to ask what's up with the half shaved scalp before she winked and said THANKS MAN and drove off. Anyway back to cruising the personals just thought I'd give you a break.

[Hoshiko]

[Bella]

Lazy girl seeks same in boy form - 26

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Reply to: anon-82797404@craigslist.org
Date: Wed Jul 06 12:43:10 2005


so i'm about to turn 26...so this year i'm trying something different...the unadulterated truth...a list of my 10 worst qualities...here it is...in all its vile detail...this is not a plea of desperation...just simply one of boredom...


1. so...i like sleeping...a lot...i like couch time...i like just laying around...i'm not thoroughly opposed to getting off my ass...i go for walks sometimes...but i don't want some spunky work out nut running circles around me...i want someone who likes to chill in bed...and doesn't have some kind of sleepers remorse for missing a day of blindingly bright sunlight and 100+ degree tempertures in exchange for a comfy day in the cool darkness....

2. i'm messy...not dirty....messy...clothes miss the hamper...underwear ends up in the living room...throw pillows find their way to the kitchen...papers abound...piles of stuff to be sorted through...which usually end up being thrown out in a fit of frustration without a second glance...but on the flipside, i'm messy but not a packrat...i have no problem just tossing stuff, or donating it to a good cause...and i go through spells of neat freakness...but no OCD people please...it just won't work in the end...

3. i'm incredibly forgetful...i take at least 15 minutes to exit my apartment...and once i'm out, i spend another 10 minutes running back in to fetch vital things i've forgotten...like cell phone...keys...shoes...i also forget to pay bills...not so much where i'm getting my electric or phone shut off...but i pay a lot of late fees...i also suck at music...i love it...but am incapable of remembering what name goes with which band...even if i own the cd...or have seen them live...luckily my friends work with me...and burn me cds and attempt to train me using flashcards...oh and the same holds true with people's names... they just never stick...patience is required

4. i'm notoriously late...see forgetful for the explaination...again patience is required

5. i'm an over eater...i can eat as much as a 300lb man...i don't gain weight...i mean i don't have the perfect body...but no one's ever told me i'm fat or ugly anyway...in fact i'm kinda hot if you were to pit me against the average 26 year old...so i don't have a complex about it...and people are generally shocked at my secret ability...i just enjoy food...from farmers market veggies to snickers bars...and i won't ever order a salad just to make myself look girly...so you've got to be blessed with a high metabolism since i will probably dump you if you get fat...or if you become a workout nut..or refuse to eat with me...high metabolism is really the only answer...

6. i hate walmart...so must you...and you must know why we both hate it...

7. i can appear high maintenance...but not for long...when i first start dating someone they get the works...makeup...fixed hair...cute clothes...that lasts for maybe a month...then...i get tired..it's exhausting to spend that much time on one's appearance...not to mention the organization required to pull off such a look...i'm normally lucky to get out of the house showered, and fully clothed...forget matching and cuteness...and makeup...usually in a month my sparkling personality shines through so looks become secondary...so in essence...you must be slob friendly..

8. i smoke...i continually try to convince myself and others that i'm a non-smoker...and i'm close to achieving that status, but i'm guilty of lighting up multiple times a week covertly and rarely around alchohol since that's where the chain smoking begins...you can't smoke...i don't want to do it anymore, and being around someone who does will be unbearable...

9. i spend hours in front of a computer...it's part of my job...that's the only time i'm online...because i have no choice...but 40 hours a week is a long time...especially when all my friends have either no job...or cool jobs...or jobs that require actual work of them...so i sit here bored staring at the screen...wishing i could find a guy cool enough to be awarded boyfriend status...who's stuck online too....

10. so...i'm slightly supreficial...i need a picture in order to talk to you...it's a must...and not some grainy i took this from my camera phone...fuzzy...i actually weigh 600lbs and have poc marks on my face...but you'll never see them kinda pic...an actual picture...without it...no dice... 11. i kill plants regularly...but not on purpose...and i mourn their loss for weeks...
this is in or around cube city....

no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

[Buddha's Ghost Penis]

Serious replies only, please.

The icing on the cake.

ICING MAKES ME VERY FAT!

[Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy]

Well, don't respond to the Lazy Girl above, she isn't interested.

[Bella]

Well, don't respond to the Lazy Girl above, she isn't interested.

Nope - she sure isn't.



Haunted toaster

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Reply to: anon-81332007@craigslist.org
Date: Mon Jun 27 23:48:34 2005


Free white toaster that I think is haunted. My husband got it when his friend died, and I think his friend decided to hang around. His friend doesn't really like me, and likes to burn the toast. I got a new toaster, so I want to get rid of this one. If nobody wants it, though, I'm going to drop it off the roof.