Author Topic: Personals/Want Ads  (Read 17593 times)

Bella

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« on: May 05, 2005, 06:23:21 am »
This is a real want ad I just found at www.craigslist.org


Nervous Wreck Seeks Domineering Bitch for Rebound Melee

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Reply to: anon-67853839@craigslist.org
Date: Sun Apr 10 20:19:30 2005


Insecure depressive seeks despotic ballcrusher to finalize descent into madness. Ineffectual communication skills and aggressive codependence experience a must. You should possess the uncanny ability to turn a sunny Disneyesque day into Dante's ninth circle, and frighten me into sleeping with one eye open; uncertain if your razor-like talons are poised for my inevitable evisceration.

Please be able to completely annihilate any residual faith in humanity, delusions of happiness, and sense of self worth. Depigmentation of my hair is not fully complete at this stage - and I am looking for you to finalize the process. Bonus points for initiating enough stress to drag me down the path of premature baldness, or inducing permanent stress-related gastrointestinal damage.

Please view our relationship as nothing more than a conquest to be subjugated. I expect you to reduce me to a raving and drooling shell of a human being before moving on to your next challenge. The only compensation I can offer is the knowledge that your name will be unceasingly repeated as I beat my head against the walls of my padded cell.
just like in a dream
you'll open your mouth to scream
and you won't make a sound

you can't believe your eyes
you can't believe your ears
you can't believe your friends
you can't believe you're here

Bella

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« Reply #1 on: May 05, 2005, 06:25:41 am »
Here's another:

You date me, You date Jesus - m4w - 25

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Reply to: anon-67545961@craigslist.org
Date: Fri Apr 08 12:31:51 2005


I am looking for me someone to love as much as I love Jesus, but obviously in a different way.

Since Jesus has been in my life I have found nothing to be impossible. I can do everything and anything. Except for the NYTimes crossword puzzle (Jesus can only help me so much).

I am looking for a woman ready to bear somewhere between 5-10 children. I will always work, always paint the house, water the lawn, and even cook sometimes. I just ask that you dust because I am allergic.

I am 5'11 with brown hair, slight build, no tatoos, one birthmark that looks like Jay Leno on my right buttocks (so I'm told). I have had sex before but it was with a woman who said awful things that made me cry. I do not like to make love again unless its for children. Oh the things she said and the way she took the lords name improper. Just bad dirty!!

I would like you to be yourself as God mad you and Jesus supervised. You can wear hats if you choose. I don't mind a stutter if you have one. Don't be a blinker though. I don't like when people blink too much or squeeze their eyes. I feel like they don't want to SEE JESUS. Sorry I got excited.

I would like to know when you found Jesus and where you found him.

I would like to know your favorite non-confrontational television broadcast and what snack you eat while watching it.

Please email me and I can take you out for a meatball parmigiana, my favorite (you can eat whatever you want but I'll be eating that).

Bless you.
just like in a dream
you'll open your mouth to scream
and you won't make a sound

you can't believe your eyes
you can't believe your ears
you can't believe your friends
you can't believe you're here

Bob the Mediocre

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« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2005, 03:24:18 am »
Me and my friends found Jesus at dinner last night. He insulted us and asked us why we were at his table.
"we are building a religion
we are making a brand
we're the only ones to turn to when your castles turn to sand
take a bite of this apple
mister corporate events
take a walk through the jungle
of cardboard shanties and tents
some people drink pepsi
some people drink coke
the wacky morning dj says democracy's a joke
he says now do you believe in the one big song
he is now accepting callers who would like to sing along"


I AM A COMPLETE AND UTTER FUCKING IDIOT!

Ghost In The Machine

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« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2005, 03:32:19 am »
The first one rocked.

I laughed so hard I almost swallowed my cigarette.

Bella

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« Reply #4 on: May 09, 2005, 06:18:13 am »
Ouch! Sorry about the cigarette.  :twisted:

I'm getting so addicted to this Craig's List:

How to tell your friend his cat's dead

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Reply to: anon-71303052@craigslist.org
Date: Mon May 02 14:00:18 2005


"let me start by saying, i own a cat, love my pet, and wouldn't ever do anything to hurt it. With that said....

My friend was watching a mutual friend's cat while he was on vacation. Before he left, he warned that the cat was old (21 years old), and not doing so hot. He suspected that he was ready to die. Sure enough, the cat died on the last day of vacation. My friend asked me how he should tell him. I gave him these options to break the news.

1) "i've got good news and i've got bad news. bad news is, your cat's dead. the good news is that i saved a lot on my car insurance."

2) "hey, you're out of milk, the chips are stale, your cats dead, and the light bulb in the bathroom needs to be changed."

3) (when they walk into the apartment) *sniff* *sniff* "you smell dead cat??"

4) Leave a suicide note next to the cat with a finished bag of catnip mentioning how boring the sitter was.

5) "Are you still interested in those taxidermy classes?"

6) Get rid of the cat, draw a chalk out line, put up police tape all over the place, and act stupid.

7) "Will everyone with a live cat please step forward.....not so fast buddy."

8) "you have a couple messages: your mom called, she wants you to call her back; your landlord said the rent is late; your cat said 'bye'."

9) (when he picks him up from the airport)
sitter: Let's play a game....Dead or human?
owner: huh? ok.
sitter: you ?
owner: human
sitter: me ?
owner: human
sitter: your cat?
owner: huh ?!?!?

10) owner: thanks for watching the place. where are my keys ?
sitter: oh, they're under your dead cat. "
just like in a dream
you'll open your mouth to scream
and you won't make a sound

you can't believe your eyes
you can't believe your ears
you can't believe your friends
you can't believe you're here

Ghost In The Machine

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« Reply #5 on: May 09, 2005, 12:57:52 pm »
Quote from: SssBella, Oracle of Doom
Ouch! Sorry about the cigarette.  :twisted:

I'm getting so addicted to this Craig's List:



No problem.  It was bound to happen, sooner or later.

damage control

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« Reply #6 on: May 10, 2005, 01:06:11 am »
Quote
I don't mind a stutter if you have one. Don't be a blinker though. I don't like when people blink too much or squeeze their eyes. I feel like they don't want to SEE JESUS. Sorry I got excited.


Thanks Bella, I have no idea but that shit cracked me the fuck up!Q Doesn't happen that much. I want to know how they did that. Plus just randomly I'd start laughing again about it scared my family, I didn't explain. I couldn't explain.

Irreverend Hugh, KSC

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« Reply #7 on: May 10, 2005, 08:35:55 am »
Quote from: damage control
Quote
I don't mind a stutter if you have one. Don't be a blinker though. I don't like when people blink too much or squeeze their eyes. I feel like they don't want to SEE JESUS. Sorry I got excited.


Thanks Bella, I have no idea but that shit cracked me the fuck up!Q Doesn't happen that much. I want to know how they did that. Plus just randomly I'd start laughing again about it scared my family, I didn't explain. I couldn't explain.


That's the best part of the ad. No doubts at all.
"Time for the tin-foil hats, girls and boys!"

Bella

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« Reply #8 on: May 10, 2005, 05:59:39 pm »
Quote from: damage control


Thanks Bella, I have no idea but that shit cracked me the fuck up!Q Doesn't happen that much. I want to know how they did that. Plus just randomly I'd start laughing again about it scared my family, I didn't explain. I couldn't explain.

You're welcome. Sorry about scaring the family. :(
Here's another. This one made me spit my coffee all over:

Rave: Karma will get you every time...

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Reply to: anon-70819601@craigslist.org
Date: Fri Apr 29 10:11:37 2005


Ahhhh I love Karma.
So I have an interesting career, I work in Urology as a PA/Andrologist. I touch alot of penis, and I play with alot of sperm. Most of my patients are pretty uncomfortable with their visit (gizzing in a cup in a doctors office can be stressful, I understand!) so I can see how it can be stressful. I didn't realize how stressful until this morning.

Now on to the rave, today I am on my way into the office and running late. I called to see if my first patient arrived and he was apparently stuck in the same traffic as me, so it was all going to work out okay. Now I am not a huge fan of cell phone talking while driving, but I don't harass people. As I am merging to get off the highway and finishing my conversation with the office this ass decided to beep, scream, ride my ass, bascially being a real pain in his car. He is behind me for a while, continuing his screaming fit and making gestures in the rear view. Finally, he passes me while screaming and giving me the finger. I pulled into DnD to get the office coffee and then went on my merry way to the office.

Guess who was my patient today, none other than Mister nice driver. He needed a testicular biopsy...what a nice pleasant moment it was to see the look on his face when he realized where he had seen me before.

So next time you decide to get a case of road rage, think twice about who you might be screaming and swearing at through the windown. It could be someone who will soon be palpating your scrotom, injecting local anesthesia, and/or removing a small piece of tissue. :)




 
just like in a dream
you'll open your mouth to scream
and you won't make a sound

you can't believe your eyes
you can't believe your ears
you can't believe your friends
you can't believe you're here

Bella

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« Reply #9 on: May 12, 2005, 07:35:29 am »
Mr. Choppy - The Craptastic Lawn Mower - 15

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Reply to: anon-70873822@craigslist.org
Date: Fri Apr 29 15:06:33 2005


That's right folks, step right up and check out the Assassin of lawn mowers. I call him Mr. Choppy.

This marvel of not-so-modern engineering does it all: it slices and dices, hones your reflexes, works you into a dirty, sweaty rage, and impresses the neighbors all at the same time. How does it do all that you might ask? Read on my friends.

About Mr. Choppy's features:

1. Built in speed control.
That's right. This nifty device has a simple, but effective way of saying "slow down you're cuttin' too fast". When you push him, and his blade spins it sends a nice rooster tail of grass, rocks, and whatever else happens to be in his path right back at you. Now, this is actually pretty satisfying if you like the smell of freshly cut grass, rocks, groundhogs, etc. The faster you go, the higher Mr. Choppy's rooster tail goes. So, depending on how tall, strong, and motivated you are, nothing says you've reached terminal velocity like a rock in the eye. How about a blast from the Grass Weasel, BAM! Awesome.

2. Reliability due to simplicity of design.
Tired of changing the oil? Winterizing your mower get you down at the end of the summer? Problems with hard starting? No problemo. Mr. Choppy has none of these hang-ups. I mean none. There's no problematic motor to keep running, no gas to buy, no stupid wussie safety devices to save your fingers. It's just two wheels a blade and a handle. Advantage: you.

3. Self propelled traction system.
Ok, that should read "propelled by self traction system" or "propelled by Nike" etc. This is the feature where you get both a workout and hone your reflexes. If you hit a patch of wet grass, and you don't have all terrain footwear or cat-like reflexes, you're pretty much going down for the count. On the bright side, the staff at most emergency rooms just love the extra business Mr. Choppy will bring them. And you probably weren't going to use your medical insurance this summer anyways, right? Right. Advantage: Mr. Choppy.

4. Optional Grass Catcher.
This is optional in the sense that it's an option if you want to supplement your lawn mowing workout with a little extra ballast. The damn grass never even makes into O'l Choppy's catcher due to feature #1. So, pretty much all this does is drag around behind The Choppster and trip you up which actually contributes to feature #3. Frankly, it works better when you lean it up against the side of the house and fill it with empty beer cans. Priceless.

And finally:

5. Wow factor not available with 'traditional' mowers.
Yes indeedie. You will become the legend of your neighborhood when you mow with Mr. Choppy. Let's just assume for a moment that a fellow Craigs Lister gets to Mr. Choppy first and becomes his proud new owner. As it turns out, Mr. Choppy's new owner is your neighbor across the street. Now picture this: you step outside your house one sunny Saturday morning ready to mow your own lawn to witness what can only be described as an awe-inspiring sight. Your neighbor across the street, we'll call him Mr. Shackles, and Mr. Choppy have declared war on the front yard. Shackles and Choppy are going at it, Shackles grunts and groans as he bobs and weaves, slips and slides, pushes and pulls as Choppy cuts and chucks blade after blade of unsuspecting grass at Mr. Shackles. It's a lawn slaughter and everybody is invited. Shackles breathes grass and rocks like a demon possessed with the will to decimate his unwieldy renegade lawn. Mr. Choppy happily and reliably complies until finally the day is won. Bloodied and bruised, dirty and sweaty, Mr. Shackles manages a prideful, grass stained, smile. The kind of smile that can only result from the satisfaction of a hard fought battle and a job well done for the entire neighborhood to see.

And after all, wouldn't you like it to be you that the neighbors talk about when they utter the phrase, "That guy is THE MAN. Did you see him mowing his lawn?"

This should be you. Don't wait, contact me today. Mr. Choppy has an appetite for destruction and its almost time to eat.



just like in a dream
you'll open your mouth to scream
and you won't make a sound

you can't believe your eyes
you can't believe your ears
you can't believe your friends
you can't believe you're here

Irreverend Hugh, KSC

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« Reply #10 on: May 12, 2005, 09:36:59 am »
Wicked.
"Time for the tin-foil hats, girls and boys!"

LMNO

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« Reply #11 on: May 12, 2005, 02:21:34 pm »
I don't even have a lawn, and I want to buy it.

Bella

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« Reply #12 on: May 14, 2005, 04:28:53 pm »
Is your mother Joan Crawford?

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Reply to: anon-64550572@craigslist.org
Date: Sat Mar 19 15:55:38 2005


Is your mother Joan Crawford? Have you spent your entire life abused, yelled at, and just plain old mistreated because of her capricious, violent nature? Well, here's your chance at revenge. Due to an inspired bout of spring cleaning, I have in my possesion a LARGE quantity of wire hangers. Probably 30 or 40, maybe more. Can you imagine her reaction when she gets home to find all of her clothes, so carefully arranged before she left for her hair appointment, all hung on wire hangers, with the attendant shoulder nipples and wrinkles? I don't think you understand how cathartic it would be.

Best of all, this lot of wire hangers is FREE FREE FREE!! All you have to do is pick them up in Hoboken. If no one claims them in 48 hours, they're going to my local dry cleaner's place.

This is the perfect opportunity to get Mommy Dearest back for all of her years of mistreatment. Don't miss this once in a lifetime chance!

P.S. I'm funny, tall, single, male and have a good job. If you would like to date me, you can do that, as well. You don't even have to take the hangers.

 
 

 
just like in a dream
you'll open your mouth to scream
and you won't make a sound

you can't believe your eyes
you can't believe your ears
you can't believe your friends
you can't believe you're here

Iron Sulfide

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« Reply #13 on: May 14, 2005, 07:09:53 pm »
i never got beat with wire coat hangers, but i have nightmares about
it after working 8 hours a day for a week or so, detangling coat
hangers for a dry cleaning place.

not bad work, actually...2.50 a rack of hangers

usually pumped 5 hangers or so an hour.
with my friend, we could pump out maybe 15 racks in an hour.
Ya' stupid Yank.

Bella

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« Reply #14 on: May 17, 2005, 04:29:26 am »
Free Dog!!

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Reply to: anon-57498003@craigslist.org
Date: Fri Jan 28 13:33:10 2005


Free dog. This is a smallish yet loud dog. It is not small enough to fit in your purse, but who the fuck are you kidding, you're no Paris Hilton. Sizewize, it is somewhere between the Taco Bell dog and Benji. It is brown and white, or possibly just white but dirt caked. I think it's about a year old. I think that because it's been about a year since I've been able to sleep past 6:30am without being awakened by the barks of a meduim sized dirty dog. I don't know that it knows any tricks, but it is very skilled at shitting in my yard and barking incessantly. I think it is a boy dog, but I only think this because the owner of said dog is a misogynistic, wife beating dirt bag, and I can't imagine that he'd have a girl dog, but I could be wrong about that. I've never gotten close enough to the dog to check out its goods, so if gender is a deal breaker for you, you might want to pass on this one. I don't know this dog's name, but I can tell you that it does not answer to "JesusChristPuhleeezeShutTheFuckUp!!!" If you're looking for a dog with that name, than this is not the dog for you.
The one tricky part about this transaction is that technically, this is not my dog. In fact, there is no "technically" about it, this is definitely not my dog. This rank creature belongs to my next door neighbor, The King of Rank Creatures. What makes this whole scenario feasible is that said next door neighbor has the disposition of a drunken Boo Radley, and will almost certainly not even realize or care that you are in his yard stealing his dog. Also, as the next door neighbor, I will provide excellent look out skills.

No givebacks.
just like in a dream
you'll open your mouth to scream
and you won't make a sound

you can't believe your eyes
you can't believe your ears
you can't believe your friends
you can't believe you're here