AA and the Search for Alcohol

[Bob the Mediocre]

I walked into the bar, and sat down. Before I could order, the guy next to me turned in shock. ,ÄúWhat... What,Äôs with your face?,Äù He looked drunk enough that he,Äôd forget me whenever he woke from the inevitable facedown, half-on-the-bed stupor, so I decided to let him know. I,Äôd feed the next guy some line about evil scrids, but I make it a point to tell the truth at least some of the time.

,ÄúI was stupid, buddy. Do never fight a crazy chaos mage. I,Äôll never know what spell he threw at me, probably something to do with reversing time, but I,Äôm just lucky it didn,Äôt kill me. Just made my face 20-something years younger. He wasn,Äôt that lucky though.,Äù

,ÄúWhat happened to him?,Äù the man asked, wide eyed and leaning towards me. His breath almost felt solid as it swept over my face. I would,Äôve complained, but I was busy felling glad I wasn,Äôt in the Open Bar, where he could,Äôve literally breathed fire. Or worse.

,ÄúYou don,Äôt wanna know,,Äù I assured him, shuddering at the memory. Why an army of Magickal Hosries attacked him out of nowhere, I,Äôll never know, but I gave up on studying chaos magic that day. I used to joke about horrible ways to die after sneezing during an invocation, but it just hasn,Äôt been funny anymore.

,ÄúWow, man,,Äù the drunk guy slurred, waking me from my memories. He was busy being dragged towards the door by a slightly more sober friend. ,ÄúI gotta get going. See you round.,Äù

I looked down at the absence of a drink in my hand and called the bartender over. ,ÄúGot any absinthe? I need to forget, but I,Äôd like to have a light show or something while I do.,Äù He was just pulling down the bottle when he was shot in the forehead.

,ÄúHomeland Security, nobody move,,Äù rang out from the doorway. ,ÄúWe,Äôve traced several suspected terrorists here. The bartender has been harboring them for some time. All you law-abiding citizens have nothing to worry about.,Äù

While I was wondering whether Government, Inc. thought I was important enough to be branded a terrorist, the cop fell over and was trampled by the enraged patrons. I just caught a glimpse of a pencil sticking out of his back, straight through his body armor. Something looked damned familiar about that pencil.

[LMNO]

Yaaaay!


It begins!  It begins!



But will AA ever get his absinthe?

[Bob the Mediocre]

That's for Hoshi to decide. She'll write the next part, then it'll be my turn again.

[LMNO]

Oh, sweet!  A tag team story!


I don't think you know how much I'm looking forward to this...

[Hoshiko]

You have one new message. First message, left today at two twenty three p.m. Beep. Hey Hosh, this is AA. Look, I got a note from that squirrely postal guy. This one says that he's receiving new packages from Oak and 21st to a p.o. box downtown. I've got a couple of things to do down there anyway, see if you can check out Oak and meet me at that dive on main afterwards. The one with the horse head in front. Try not to make this one messy.

<sigh>

The good ones never go down easy.

Take, for instance, the bunny farm. Cold and rainy, fluffy tails matted and sticking to wooden cages... I knew this was going to be bad. I took a deep breath and walked up the steps into a small, tilted trailer that one would only laughingly call an "office". There was a man standing behind a counter, doing a crossword. I walked up to him and placed one hand over 18-45 across.

"I'm investigating a smell."

"What kind of smell?" He looked up at me and winked. There was a week's worth of cabbage and pipe tobacco wafting from his beard.

"A bad smell." I glanced knowingly at his chin.

He winked again. "This is a farm, honey. Don't ever smell too good. Hell, you can take your pick of bad smells here." Another wink, this time with his left eye.

Not a wink, then. A nervous twitch. That was not what I wanted to see. "I'm not talking about a farm smell." I leaned in closer and noticed that his twitching left eye was indeed real. "I'm talking about more of a mage smell."

The winking intensified. "Who the hell sent you? What do you want?"

I never expected the rifle his hand reached for from behind the counter. I think he expected the hefty rock in my right hand even less. It hit his nose with a sickening thud and bounced off onto the floor with a mossy finality. He raised his hands up to his face in shock and I vaulted over the counter and kicked him against the back wall.

"What were in those packages?" I picked up the pen that he had left carelessly left on the counter. A bic. Figured. "Don't make me use this."

"Jesus, I dunno. He doesn't tell me anything. I just pick them up and pass them on."

"You'd better know." I held the pen up to his left eye and smiled. "I'm feeling nice. I'll give you 30 seconds."

I could see his pupils dilate. "I just get them, take it easy. Shit! They come from some fertilizer place in Lawson but I don't open them, just ship them back out. I drove by, there's nothing there, just crap and dirt. That's all I know, I swear to god!"

I lowered the pen and picked up the rifle. "You got 16 down wrong AND you wrote it in ink," I told him as I prodded him towards the door. "Fertilizer sounds as good a place as any. C'mon, I don't have all day."

                                                    --------

I was definitely being followed. The dank sewage smell that I was sure rolled off of me like a miasma didn't seem to deter the man, either. He walked close and made no effort to be covert, his hands jammed into his pockets. I walked into the Godfather bar and pub and immediately drew a Bruynzeel while ducking behind a wall just inside the door. I could hear the door creak behind me. Heavy wet boots squeaked on the wooden floor as the door swung closed and shut out the day.

“Homeland Security, nobody move. We’ve traced several suspected terrorists here. The bartender has been harboring them for some time. All you law-abiding citizens have nothing to worry about.”

I didn't even have to lean out to aim, he was so loud. There was a crystal clear silence for one brief moment and then my arm flew out and I felt the smooth wood glide through my fingers, heard a scream.

I only leaned out when I heard the rush of people towards the door but  waited to move until I could see the slumped black form. There was a bootprint on his shoulder, and I reached down and hefted him over onto his back. I heard the pencil snap and winced as I touched his left eye.

It was glass.

I looked up at the chubby cheeked face glaring at me from a barstool and sighed.

"The packages were a dead end. There's a bunny farm on Oak and 21st. I suggest you get out of here as soon as possible and go open some rabbit cages before the owner of the farm manages to dig himself out."

His face had definitely settled into a pout. "Dig himself out? I just ordered some absinthe! Couldn't it have waited 10 minutes?"

"Oh, take a pacifier," I muttered, tossing him the keys. "I've got some laundry to do."

"Can't a guy even get a drink in peace sometime?"

I left his chin quivering in silence and walked out into the rain.

[LMNO]

w00t!

[Bella]

:P Cool.  :P

[Bob the Mediocre]

I stared forlornly at the dead bartender. ,ÄúShit,,Äù I muttered. He,Äôd been the only one around here who still accepted my ID. The broken shards of the absinthe bottle only added to the tragedy. I sighed and left the bar, making sure to step on the dead agent on the way out.

--------

As I drove out to the farm, I noticed the scrid were migrating early. Damn global warming. Even screws up the genetically engineered species.

I picked up a tailgater, and accelerated when he tried to pass me. The look on his face when he saw me flipping him off was priceless. I noticed 21st coming up, so I slammed on the brakes and screeched into the turn.

--------

Leaving the car, I glanced at the large patch of dirt near the driveway. ,ÄúReal subtle,,Äù I muttered. ,ÄúDamn it.,Äù I just had to hope I wouldn,Äôt attract enough attention for anyone to notice it. So I headed for the bunny cages. ,ÄúHmm... never knew rabbits had talons...,Äù Something weird was going on here. That one,Äôs fur almost looked like quills. I wondered if I was hallucinating. Then I heard an odd voice

,ÄùHey buddy, over here.,Äù

,ÄúHello?,Äù I called. I could,Äôve sworn the voice was coming from one of the cages. I checked my memory: no psychedelic drugs taken recently, so I probably was hearing right.

,ÄùYeah, it,Äôs me, in the cage. I promise I won,Äôt eat you. It,Äôs pretty cramped in here, and my neighbors keep threatening me. Would you let me out? I,Äôll let my mom know if you do, in case you ever meet her. Might be helpful.,Äù

,ÄúUm...alright.,Äù I opened the cage. ,ÄúHey, before you hop off, what happened to all these bunnies?,Äù

,ÄùI dunno, some guys came around a few times with needles. I always bit em before they could get me though.,Äù

,ÄúThanks,,Äù I yelled as the rabbit hopped away.

I wandered around the place, keeping my distance from the cages. I noticed a locked toolshed, and took out some concentrated hydrochloric acid. Comes in handy all kinds of places. You just have to be sure not to keep it in a breakable container. I poured a little onto the lock. The door handle fell off in a few pieces of metal-like glop. I pried it open with a piece of scrap metal lying on the ground.

Right away I noticed a small box on a shelf. Off-key humming came from within. It looked just about big enough to fit a radio or something. I lifted the lid. A man,Äôs head stared out at me. ,ÄúOh, dear god, please help me,,Äù he said to my unbelieving stare. ,ÄúIt,Äôs fucking boring in here.,Äù

While I recovered from my near-deadly shock, he explained himself. ,ÄúNow, this,Äôll sound strange, but by the looks of your face you,Äôre not exactly normal yourself, right? Y,Äôsee, I was spying on this company, giving all their new tech to a rival. Was a pretty sweet deal. Those plans they came up with for a dimensional gateway, I know, something out of a bad sci-fi movie, but when I got those I thought about retiring. The gig paid more than I could think about needing for a few years, and I,Äôd had a few close calls taking stuff. I was ready to relax. But I got screwed, of course. See this ring around my neck?,Äù I could, if I peered into the box. ,ÄúThat,Äôs their prototype. No idea where the rest of me is. I,Äôll feel them switching the IV or taking out the bedpan every day, but nothing else. It,Äôs infuriating. Got me tied down and everything, and even if I could escape from there, well, how would I see? But, damn it,Äôs good to talk to someone again.,Äù He seemed to be glad to see me, but all I could think of was the duct tape back in my car. I really didn,Äôt need this.

I,Äôd recovered as much as I was going to from the shock, so I said, ,ÄúLet,Äôs get you out of here and I,Äôll see what I can do,,Äù and put the lid back on the box. Muffled screaming came from within. I opened the lid again, pulled his head out, and covered his mouth. Staring into his eyes, I deadpanned, ,ÄúYou realize what I,Äôd look like carrying you to my car without the box? I,Äôll do my best to find your body, but you know it won,Äôt be easy. Especially since we,Äôll have to go after a corporate target. Now, you,Äôre in no position to argue.,Äù I stared at him for a second and dropped his head back into the box.

I ignored his protests. The dug up dirt by the driveway was moving. I ran for the car, threw the box in the backseat, and peeled out.

[Bob the Mediocre]

Oh, sweet!  A tag team story!


I don't think you know how much I'm looking forward to this...

Thanks. I'm looking forward to what Hoshi throws at me next.

[166MMXepia]

this makes me giggle and smile and I would like some more.

[LMNO]

Bravo!

[Bob the Mediocre]

Thank you to Mr. L and the oddly named guest. Hoshi said she'd probably be able to get something soon, by the way.
And I'm glad to know my sense of humor is working. Sometimes it's hard to tell when I can't wait a while and then revise.

[Shibboleet The Annihilator]

claps claps

claps his hands

[Zurtok Khan]

GREAT story guys!  REALLY GREAT.

[Bob the Mediocre]

Since Hoshi's not around, guess I'll take all the credit. Thanks.

Anyway, this proves there is no original idea anywhere.